On the Birthday of the Prophet of Islam ( PBUH)

On the day the one who was declared rehemat ul Aalimeen by God himself, no other thought can be of anything else. Mercy, benevolence, Ehsan, which means favourite to others, charity,fairmindedness, and forgiveness even to the bitterest enemies are the qualities of the Prophet of Islam, Hazrat Muhammad. On his birthday, it seems sad that in the perception of many, his religion has become one of violence, vengeance , self righteousness and intolerance. It is amazing what muslims have made out of his teachings. Perhaps that is the result of illiteracy and poverty among the majority of Muslims in the world today .But then it is all the more a responsibility of educated Muslims to teach our children about the true spitit of Islam embodied by the prophet's personality. I named my only son Muhammad, because I thought that no name can be better than this name. Nobody could oppose our choice this time, but we got lots of criticism that naming the boy muhammad is a sort of disrespect , because when you will scold the boy, you will disrespect the name of the Prophet. I feel this response signifies muslims attitude towards the Prophet and their religion. Keep the Quran at a high place in silken covering and never open it or read it, so that no disrespect is made. What we forget is that religion and the Prophet are supposed to be close to us, part of our souls, as close to us as life is in our bodies.God is part of our bodies and souls. So why should we put it away, refrain from taking his name, lest we disrespect? This attitude has taken us away from God and the Prophet and we treat it as something separate from our usual life. That is not how it is meant to be. Educated Muslims like me, those who got a western education and had liberal upringing tend to gravitate towards western values. Yet it is possible to be liberal and embrace the teachings of Islam. The mistake is that we are taught that for is important. We wear turbans and other accouterments which is simply missing the point. What we need is to understand and follow the spirit of Islam embodied by the values of the prophet, not conform to traditions. Emulation of dress is good but the real issue is carrying his message and values forward. Charity has no shape, kindness has no form. Helping others is a feeling, and forgiveness has no procedure. It is relevant and acceptable to God in any outer form. We do not teach this to our children and only teach them rituals. They stand in milads and fatehas not realising that this is to be shared with others and why that is. For me, the best way to celebrate the prophet's birthday is to help others, give charity and be kind to people.If we can help somebody or forgive them on his birthday , and try to be more like him not in dress but in qualities, that is the kind of gift he would like from us today.

Compliments

Each time anybody gives me a compliment, I can have a variety of feelings. I can like it, I can dislike it. I can be elated, I can feel embarrassed or irritated. Or it might just make my day. It all depends on who said it, and how. All of us go through this gamut of feelings at different times, but we all like compliments. Why do we, by the way? I have often wondered why not do away with these niceties which waste our time and don't let us get to the point. A person as impatient as me would think so. Life for me is a series of urgent moments, all requiring immediate action. But compliments verbalize the exchange of a feeling between one human being to another, which is, you are valuable, you are important, you are wanted. This feeling of being wanted by another, or by other humans at large, is requirement that is central to the existence of every human being. Women try to get thin, get implants, dress up, make up, sound intelligent, and men make money, drive fast cars, attain power, wear designer ware, in order to be acceptable and in demand. This can take different forms according to the person or group that we are trying to impress, but thats what it is. All art, manners, politics, entertainment, is meant to please and interest as many other human beings as possible. We live through our relationships with others, and are enriched by them or destroyed by the lack of interest others take in us as viable partners, employees, commodities, etc. A compliment is a very small interchange between two human beings showing that one likes the other. Here lies the problem. If one does not like a person, one might not like the compliment, but one still does, as its an affirmation of one's worth. What matters more is how its put. If it highlights a quality we like about ourselves we love it, but if it points at one we don't, we shun the compliment. Better still, if it finds quality in us which we do not possess but would like to, that is the compliment we like most of all. Why should I compliment somebody, by the way? There are many among us who feel awkward giving compliments even if its well deserved. The motives for these can be manifold. We are not expressive and have not received compliments in our own early life. One learns to give love only when one has received it. or we don't want the person to get a bloated ego, or perhaps want to put him down a bit. So we withhold appreciation, hoping the person would wilt without it, as flowers do without sunshine. Or sometimes, we do not have enough self esteem to think that what we say will be significant for the other. Or, we are so proud that we think that we don't need to appreciate others.All appreciation should be only for us. Love and happiness, only increases if we give more of it to others. If we withhold appreciation it can only control others for a period of time. Then they will leave, looking for others who appreciate them. Insecurity can never be addressed like this. If we open our heart to others, they will love and value us, not because of our material attributes, but because we value them.

Expectations

I read somewhere that don't be surprised if somebody expects a lot from you. Perhaps they would do that much for you themselves, so they expect the same from you too. All of us have expectations from each other. Our expectations of others depend not only on our feelings for them , but also on the opinion we have about them. If we think that somebody is good or has good qualities we expect them to act accordingly. And if we do not have a good opinion of them we expect them to act in a certain way also , usually expecting them to act worse than they actually would perhaps. This is the basic gap between reality and expectations. It reflects the gap between our perception and reality.sometimes we perceive somebody to be better than who they are and sometimes worse than they are. Our perceptions also depend on our own personality and upbringing, and the biases and opinions we have accumulated. Our perception is always coloured by our values and biases , making us see things that sometimes exist or not. This gap leads us to have expectations which are not met and to make errors of judgement. The above is a nice scientific explanation of why there is a difference between our expectations and reality. But the pain and hurt that accompany the realization that a person was not what we thought he was can be devastating. It takes a long time to accept that what you saw and heard upon which you based your perception and expectations was wrong. You doubt your judgment and sometimes yourself for being so utterly mistaken. Now the flip side. Sometimes we think that we are giving concessions to people for their shortcomings but we forget to remember that they are also forgiving and accepting our shortcomings. We might be surprised that somebody did not treat us according to our expectations but maybe we disappointed them at some level too, which we don't think about as most of us perceive ourselves to be perfect. Which is never the case . It is not possible to have no expectations of anybody. That is the attitude of the pessimist. But it I always feel that it's better to give people the benefit of doubt and trust them to be good, rather than trust them to be bad. If you suspect or judge in relationships, you are reducing each other to enemies. Not friends. A positive outlook always brings out the best in people. Including yourself. And forgiveness helps us accept the infirmities of other. They might not come up to expectations sometimes, they are human and have other compulsions also. But many times they will and do surpass our expectations. It is good to remember that.

Here and there

I came to attend a conference in Rome this week. Ever the shopaholic, when I got free early one day i decided to explore the beautiful city on foot as I rarely get to do that when i am with family. When you walk the streets and roads of a city, you get to know its true complexion and its people. The romans are very civilized but not chummy. This is true of all europeans. But I want to write about an encounter i had with an Indian. Near Palazzo Montecitorio, I stopped by a cafe to have lunch. I saw an Indian waiter bring my order. When one is abroad, Indians and Pakistanis tend to be especially friendly with each other and we started chatting . I asked him where he was from and he replied east Punjab, Ambala to be precise, and was living here with his brother for the last 12 years. He asked me how long i was staying and i told him that i would return in two days, the same old issues waiting for me at home and work. He smiled and said this is the same for us. When we go home, family politics and demands meet us, and I have spent so much money on my family and still they are never happy. I spent so much money on building a house in my village and my parents live in it, it is of no use to me. If i had saved it I would have been able to set up my own business by now, instead of still working as a waiter even after twelve years. At this we both smiled, and I think we identified with each other. Across all divides, the family system in the subcontinent is more or less the same. There are many good things to be said about it, but it naturally creates a larger number of dependents in our families and discourages independence. Our society teaches us not to be selfish and take care of others, but it discourages us to carry our own weight and try to be independent and take care of oneself. We often see men or women taking turns to take care of the family. The father and then the son or a daughter, the ones who are able to do something in life. But there is no pressure on each of us to become independent and be on our own. Intact, the ones who are too lazy or unable to do anything are even more pampered by the families and there is additional pressure on the ones who make it in life to take care of those who do not. The reasons are that one is fortunate and the other is not. But nobody sees whether the allegedly unfortunate one made enough effort or not. The ones who are working hard are made to pay for the failures of their near and dear ones. I am not saying we should not help out, but this atmosphere of dependence makes many in our society feel they don't need an effort, their families are there to take care of them, find them a job, help them ahead. The worst thing is that if one refuses to help relatives beyond one's ability, all one gets are accusations and recriminations. There is so much social pressure on all of us that a lot that we do is according to what others want, without any desire to do so. And it never ends. It is good to be kind and generous to others, but it is also good to know when to stop and release oneself from unnecessary social pressures. We need to encourage our family members to be more independent and do things on their own.Independence teaches you self worth and self respect. Instead of mollycoddling the children the mothers should teach them to be on their own, take initiative and make decisions. And let them go at an early stage without agonizing about everything they say or do. Otherwise there will always be people from the subcontinent telling each other when they meet abroad, that they feel free and happier, not feeling like going home. Who wants to live in shackles?

High Temperatures in Lahore

I usually avoid political issues. My blog is not the place for it, my blog is about my personal thoughts on life. But how can I ignore it if there is an election going on where I live? Yes, I have the distinction of living in NA 122, the erstwhile constituency of Mr. Ayaz Sadiq, who is again fighting for his seat as well as his honour. As an assistant commissioner in Lahore in 2008, I used to think he was one of the finest and most dignified members of parliament that I ever came across, and I have come across many. I am sure he retains those qualities. Whatever happens in the elections, the campaign has crippled all normalcy in the area. The whole constituency has taken on the permanent look of a carnival. This is a mood that Lahorites thrive on. with the election due on sunday, the whole constutuency is pulsating with election fever. Lahore is a city given to extremes. Lahoris are characterized by their emotion, generosity, extreme friendliness and adaptability to different situations. They tend to have a que sera sera attitude about life and things in general, and like to enjoy the journey of life, with food, song,revelry, fine arts and following their own special cultural norms. Lahore is actually one city that never sleeps. The Lahore culture has evolved through its thousands of years history as a melting pot of races, cultures and a variety of rulers. An airhead female anchor on Dawn TV was declaring the PML N candidate as belonging to the Kashmiri clan today, while he belongs to one of the distinguished old families of Lahore who converted to Sikhism to Islam. Lahore opens its arms to everybody and assimilates them, as it has seen war, famine, upheaval and devastation through the centuries. upheavals have made them accepting, and whatever difficulties they have in life,they know how to keep the party on. They have an immense ability to enjoy themselves and help others. But there is a dangerous side to Lahorites. They do not like pride and arrogance.They do not like to be ignored. If one is haughty to them and treats them with contempt, they will tear you down.They are not people who will be fooled or cowed down. And they will like to be left alone and do their own thing, which may or may not be legal, but that is how they are. But if one is humble and accepting, Lahorites love you and will support you till their last breath. I think that since I was born in lahore, I can identify with their attitudes and share many of these too. However, I do not like their propensity to show off.They tend to go to any extremes. The Lahorites, infact the whole of Punjab, is guilty of the propensity to show off and spend money for effect and to impress others. All political parties seem to have given in to this propensity, for their primary ojective at the moment is to surpass each other in impressing the people of Lahore into voting for them. Nobody loves lavish shows like Lahore, and parties are giving them grand displays everywhere at the moment. Lahore has low tendency towards violence, therefore the campaign remains thankfully peaceful, despite the invective being spewed by all sides. Some of The most venomous politicians have gathered from all sides, and even PPP is hurling insults like never before. Despite the onset of autumn, this campaign has warmed the blood of every Lahorite.Whether the Lion breaks the bat in two, or the bat makes a cat out of the lion through hits, will be seen on sunday. But democracy will win hands down either way, dhandli(rigging) or no dhandli.

Come October

This weekend I watched, for the third time, one of my favourite movies" Come September". for the information of the younger crowd, its a fifties movie starring Rock Hudson and Gina Lolobrigida. The movie is about an American jet setting billionnaire who only finds time to meet his girlfriend ,who lives in Italy, once a year, when he comes down to his villa in Liguria every September. His girlfriend is naturally unhappy at this arrangement and since she has many suitors, decides each year to leave him but then goes on waiting for him, but one year, she actually decides to marry another man in July. Out of the blue, the American reschedules his visit to July and calls her, but she refuses to take him back. By the end of the movie, she decides that " it is better to be unhappy with a man you love, rather than be happy with a man you dont love". She returns to him and they marry. This dialogue has intrigued me ever since I saw the movie for the first time as a teenager. Is one happier with a man that it is difficult to be with but whom one loves, or with one whom it is easier to be with, but one does not love? First of all, the universal truth is that it is impossible to feel happy with a man you dont love, whatever you do or he does. If you dont love a man, even if he gifts you diamonds you toss them aside, and instead run/drive/fly to be with somebody who will be busy on your birthday, forgets what you asked him to bring, and forgets to tell you how beautiful you look. But you see in his eyes how he feels about you, and your heart knows. And the woman will disregard all material possessions for the sake of one smile of his. No wonder men find women difficult to understand. Indeed, women are strange creatures. They will make any sacrifice for the man who makes them feel loved sincerely, but will not turn a hair for one who doesnt. They take pain, loneliness, humiliation, for the sake of a warm embrace. But why is it ok to do that for the right person? We do not know. Only the heart knows. Love itself is a painful emotion. The more you love somebody, the more you are prone to experience pain. The propensity to feel hurt , insecure, jealous, possessive, longing for him/her, and wanting to own, all increase in a person who is in love, man or woman. The words of a beloved, however innocently spoken, can be misunderstood and blown up to cause hurt and squabbles. It all stems from our desire to be the best and number one in the eyes of the one we love. This is true for males as well as females. But If you feel your partner is not as committed to the relationship as you are, your own interest flags. It feels natural to be important in your partners life and unnatural to be unimportant. So happiness in love, is a relative term. There are highs and lows, happiness and hurt. Love is not a stable emotion. So there are times when a couple will be happy together, and times when they will be unhappy together. But as long as they are together, joy will return, time after time, if they remain true to one another. But what makes one run from one person to another? What is the most attractive quality? Beauty, figure, age, money, power? and why does one stay? It is the trust that the other person will understand and support us, for whom its important what she wants, not only what he wants, the ability to be there for somebody,and who will like and wish us well, not resent one's success and good fortune. Who can rise above the self, love selflessly, and be happy only in the happiness of ones beloved. If a man or a woman is sure that they are loved selflessly, it doesnt matter if they dont do the rituals or go through public displays of affection . They will go on loving each other not only till September,but many Octobers.

Angst

On my way to Lahore this week, I noticed the light green leaves of the sisham trees turning red as autumn . Red seemed to be all around, a deep, burgundy red. Clothes, flowers, nailpaint, even the curtains of my bedroom. But I noticed as i entered my room that the dark mauve velvet chaise longue gives a lovely contrast to the red and off white colour scheme. It got there by chance, but today I see it as if for the first time. Caught up with the more striking red, I seldom noticed the mauve, but it was always there, a colour that I always loved, but never gave much thought. Today it makes me smile. It is not the colour of life,action and passion like red, but it is the colour of creativity and spirituality. Both are necessary for me. A life without spirituality and creativity, however passionate and driven, is only half lived. Creativity is the gift of God himself, but without drive,comes to nothing. One of my favourite stories about God's relationship with us is that in the Afterlife, a man is before God and asks him, that when i look back on my life path, I see two pairs of footprints. God says, they were yours and mine. The man asks, but at the most difficult periods of my life, I see only one pair. Where were you? God smiles and says, these were the times that I was carrying you. Its true that no human being can survive without God's help and guidance. Sometimes we are aware of how we are being guided, but mostly we are not. Focusing on the red, we forget that the mauve is infact ordained too. Yet sometimes, our belief system makes us forget about our own responsibilities in life as we become too prone to leave things to God. That is one of the negative sides of our culture influenced partly by sufism. Most of us believe so strongly in the power of God to make things right that we forget to play our role, and fail to recognize that we are to act first, and only then leave the outcome to God. In our social as well as our professional intaractions, there is a phrase that I have come to hate: " That is how it is". If something is wrong, people are not interested in making it right, they just want to edge their way past the problem. They feel it is not their problem,not realizing, that a problem that affects enough individuals in a society affects everybody in the end. There are very few people that I have met who take things seriously and strive to make changes for the better.They are the ones who make a difference.It might not be ones own problem, but the ability to make things right for everybody through individual efforts, is what keeps a society together. We must be able to discern what is the will of God, and what are the problems brought about by human selfishness, injustice and lack of effort. A little angst is good for oneself and everybody else.Angst means to worry, to be worried about possible outcomes and pitfalls in any situation. It is a German word, and describes very well the temperament of the German people. Angst makes them self possessed, cautious, well prepared and hard working.They leave little to chance.They work hard to keep the undesirable outcomes at bay. And consequently they are one of the most advanced nations of the world. I have never seen a successful person who is not careful, not well prepared and who leaves things to chance. To believe makes us strong to weather storms, but working to prepare for those storms is the result of angst. Angst drives us to action, and to take things seriously. How one balances the angst and to be able to surrender to God is crucial for success and peace of mind. Like this room, perhaps three parts red in life is offset beautifully with one part mauve.

Jealousy

Jealousy is a potent emotion. It revvs up our engine and motivates us to compete and get ahead of others. It makes us adopt unscrupulous methods to beat people that we are jealous of, human beings lie, cheat, conspire and even shed blood out of jealousy. It can rouse a person out of a sickbed and forge ahead, powered only by the hatred of the people he or she is jealous of. Among lovers, it can get even more dangerous. Killing a lover or spouse out of jealousy might be a commonplace happening, but it is a very real emotion within every human being, and does not bode well for the person himself or for others around him if it rears its ugly head. We have graduated to be civilized in some regions of the world, and instead of murder, leaving the person , perhaps noisily,is the preferred choice of civilized, rational human beings. But this emotion is the antithesis of reason. Im sure all of us have felt jealous of somebody at some point in our lives. The one who says i have never been jealous, is a liar. Jealousy drives people to keep on harming people who want to have nothing to do with them, to keep stalking and be curious about them long after the severing of ties. The innate desire to make a person fall, suffer, be humiliated, and to show themselves to be better than him all arises out of jealousy. But I think that , and my readers are free to enlighten me if im wrong, that jealousy itself arises out of the pain of feeling small, unwanted, inadequate, unloved and insecure of one's own ability to be good enough. Sometimes such people make a career out of trying to mitigate their own shortcomings by pulling others down which they feel are better than them, get more attention and love. But i have a question. Does pulling one down make oneself feel any better in comparison? I dont think so. At best, it can only give momentary satisfaction that is destructive for ones own being. And the end of it is always self defeating. Because jealousy is only an inverted desire to be loved and wanted. Jealousy instead of drawing people closer, draws them even further apart. Jealousy in our society has become the most motivating emotion in my opinion. We find ourselves inadequate in many ways and the more we are unable to achieve ourselves, the more we talk against others and connive to bring them down to the same level. We sometimes joke among colleagues that in the public sector, nobody is interested in work or doing a good job, but all are very good at politics and only concerned with what others are doing and how to pull them down. perhaps the private sector is like that too, i have no experience of it. Maybe our attitudes at large have to do with how we are brought up. Nuclear families have less family politics but joint families have a lot of it. In joint families there are a number of dependents who dont do anything and live off the pleasure of their elders. in nuclear families the people are more independent and consequently have less need of politics to get what they want. So what we learn at home we reflect in our behaviour out in the world too. It could vary in rural or urban settings. But jealousy/envy has captured our national psyche like nothing else. And its a destructive emotion. How we can get out of this vicious circle beats me. Perhaps if we became more independent and judge less on everything but our work ethic, jealousy could also become less active or atleast more in check. Playing straight is a difficult thing to teach and more difficult to learn where there are so many opportunities to be crooked.

A day in the life of a woman in public life

I got a rare comment last week praising me. Im not used to praise, but more to accusations, slander, character assasination. It made me think, i wonder if people realize how it is for a woman who ventures out of the house to work, to prove herself, to do her bit in public life? Perhaps we all do, at some level of consciousness. More and more women aree now working in Pakistan. Women in the office space are not an anomlay anymore. But women in positions of real authority are still few. Especially in public life. to some extent, they are to blame themselves for it. When they go out for work, instead of leaving the woman in them at home and bringing only the professional at work, they bring the mother, the wife, the woman and in some extreme cases even the femme fatale to the workplace. They look for concessions as women, want the easy way out, and as I see these days, fall into the trap of flirting and being seduced on their way to what they think is the top, but usually turns out to be nowhere. That is there, and such females ruin it for others, who want to be taken seriously and respected for their work and ability, rather than what they can offer otherwise. They encourage stereotypes, and people expect every woman who steps out of her house to work, to be open to suggestion. So much for the ones who use their gender( I wont use the other word) for advancement. They live their lives and make choices knowingly. My concern is the women who dont want to use feminine wiles to get ahead. Who want to prove their mettle through work and surpass the men. And believe me, most of the working woman want that. When i was studying and had aspirations as a professional, I wanted to do well in my work, develop a serious work ethic, and of course, being the feminist, be better than the men. With effort and gods help, I became that. joined a service where I worked constantly with men only and proved my capability and grit among them. I thought the story would end there. It didnt. I realized that as i did better and got to good positions, my colleagues would attribute every reason to my success but my cappability. They just wouldnt believe it. When it became too obvious, they would backbite and be mean. In an effort to be professional, I tried, and still try, to be a bit reserved until i get to know anybody. I see that men take this as an offence that why a woman who isnt bad looking, wont come to their office to butter them up. And if she is being friendly and nice, why it isnt leading to anything else. After many bitter experiences of having to shake people off very rudely, I just dont engage in conversation after a certain level. One would think it would end here. The self respecting ones understand and distance themselves, while the others become mean and start conniving. For a woman in public life, life is tough. From the moment you get out of your car, you are the center of intense attention from all males, high and low, and of course most of the male help think it is good measure to hum songs when they pass a woman. With the passage of time of course, they learn not to dare. But it takes lots of curtness from the woman. I do not like to be rude, but i have to be. If im not, they will be all over the place. So i would rather be known as rude than as that"chick who laughs a lot". Atleast when i speak, they listen. Dress is a major factor. the more you cover yourself, the more respectable you seem in their eyes. I thought it didnt matter if i was ok myself, but realized at my cost that our males are too backward in the public domain. A woman has to be either extreemely ugly or suitably covered to command respect. Then there are the ones who would not give up on getting ones attention. they wait for the time when you might need anything form them and they can use the task to get friendly. This kind sometimes creates problems for women just so that they can help them later and then get lucky. What i have learnt is, the less favours a woman takes, the safer she is. favours cost too dearly at times. I am in no way condemning men and women who find love at the workplace. Meeting somebody and liking somebody is a different thing, but using ones powers to get a woman's attention forcibly through incentive or harrassment is a crime. It should be discouraged at every level. But male chauvinism refuses to recognize or to confront such patterns of behaviour. My only reactions to such people is that if they wait for this woman to ask for favours, they will be waiting forever. I would rather not have things than to expose myself to such behaviour. All said and done, If a woman is good at her work, doesnt take undue favours and concessions, and remains serious and focused, always wins respect and recognition, even if it is grudging. In order to gain respect in the public life, a woman must learn to say no. To many things. She might not get as far as fast as her more unscrupulous sisters, but her success would be real. As for me, to all who praise me and pity me, I may be innocent and too kind, but I am not a victim,and would bbe against my self respect to be protrayed as one. I like according to what my values, and have no time for regrets.

HONOUR

The other day I was watching tv and a lawyer who had gone to Kasur was speaking about what she had learnt there. What stopped the people from coming forward earlier? They felt they would lose their honour or IZZAT if they did. This is not the first time i have heard this. All of us in Pakistan, the subcontinent, have been hearing this since childhood. Something bad happens to you, especially if it is related to females and to matters which are considered taboo, like rape, molestation, insult and even injustice, one is supposed to hide it, one is supposed to feel ashamed of oneself, not feel enraged and justified to avenge oneself against somebody. In the west, this is the favourite defense of the rapist. " she asked for it". We as a society seem to be enveloped in the same kind of denial based mentality. It is a society where the strong has the last word and the weak is supposed to spout the same propaganda,which puts all the blame on himself, not the wrongdoer. "you made me do this. " A patriarchical society runs on this mindset. The wrong doer is thus absolved of any responsibility of his actions and the victim is made to feel ashamed so that he or she would remain quiet and not demand justice. A harrasser , a rapist, an exploiter,a criminal, a wife beater, an abuser, remain free from blame not through poking dust in the eyes of the law, but through this social arrangement, this social contract whereby evil is allowed to perpetuate and the good is silenced. Over the ages, this conspiracy of silence has eaten away at the fabric of our society and is slowly making it die. Our problems as a nation are basically of social deterioration. we as a society are slowly dying. That is what happens to people who embrace lies and shun the truth. I have always wondered since I was a child, how and where did our society become so hypocritical. We tell lies, we live lies, we pretend to be what we are not and dare not express what we actually are. A woman is harrassed, a child is molested, a woman is beaten, a servant is mistreated, but they are all supposed to keep quiet, because if they tell others what happened to them they cannot expect sympathy or help. they can expect jeers, ridicule, humiliation. That is why people are content to live a life of pretention, false honour and false pride, rather than become vulnerable to the heckling of society. Perhaps we all know in our hearts how helpless we all are in our own lives, but learn to hide it early, so we enjoy it more when somebody eles weakness is exposed. Perhaps it gives us a chance to feel better in comparison. We wear these masks and feel that nobody can see our sadness, our pain, our helplessness and cowerdice. Cruelty is the attribute of the coward. All brave people I have met in my life, are essentially kind. And all kind people I have met, are essentially brave. Kindness and bravery seem to go hand in hand. No wonder that this nation of cowards is so cruel, its sense of right and wrong so skewed. What they do not dare to change, they learn to invert and internalize. Perhaps that is why we are so preoccupied with honour, or retaining the pretense of it, however skewed. Everybody likes to pretend to be what they want to be if they cannot be that in reality. We know in our hearts that we have no honour. Are we going to exist like this forever? This society cannot go on like this. there is a limit to rot also. The only way out for us is to speak the truth to ourselves, and to each other. If we face things, we can change them.

A State That Cares

Much has been written about the Kasur Tragedy in newspapers and media over the last one week. No human being can deny the horror of the incident, in which a network of child abuse and the sale of its videos was unearthed. A number of myths were broken by this tragedy, one of them was the myth of rural areas being the hub of tradiditional values and simple living, while the fast growing urban areas were considered the cesspool of crime and the places where the erosion of our values was taking place. This incident shows that our rural areas are the breeding ground not only of inequality and injustice, but also of crime and depravity. It also shows that the erosion of values has been uniform in Pakistani society and that evil has no boundaries. Another reality unearthed is the superficiality of development and brought into sharp focus the lack of focus on rural development in our country, especially in the most developed province in the country. This incident and other like it, are symptoms of a grater and multifaceted malaise that afflicts our society and State. Human depravity and evil has been there since the creation of humankind, and evil cannot be completely wiped out, only controlled to an acceptable extent, so that human beings can live comfortably in the society. That is the main aim of governance, and the focus of the state. However, no debate is going on about the disconnect between the requirements of the contemporary Pakistani society and the state mechanisms available on the ground. One of the major problems is that our successive governments have continued with the colonial structure of governance, which was designed to control the natives, not to serve them. Police was an instrument of control, not of social service. After independence we have continued to rely on the existing paradigms, but there is a strong need to enhance and build the capacity of social welfare and services, as well as having an independent and coherent structure of human rights protection at the grassroots level. this is non existent in our districts at the moment. There is no forum where a battered woamn, an abused child, or a bonded labourer can go to for the redressal of human rights violations. Ombudsman is not for this. Police does not have human rights abuse as a very high item on its list of priority. then where do the people who are victims of abuse and injustice, go? We do not know at the moment. It does not befit a government of a nation with the majority of its citizens young people, not to have a clue about this. It is correct that significant legislation regarding women, children, and disadvantaged segments of the society has not taken place, due to various controversies. Reform is a dirty word in this country so overwhelmingly controlled by the proponents of the statue quo. We need not only relevant legislation but also an effective implementation mechanism at the grassroots level. but how do we do it? the truth is, this deeply divided nation needs consensus on most issues. The doctrine of reconciliation was a breakthrough in our political thought. We have now progressed to consensus on democracy and security, and people talk about a consensus on economy also. However, we urgently need consensus on social freedom and justice. We need discussion and legislation on personal and collective freedoms and also the translation of this vision into well organized and responsive implementing agencies with some authority and teeth. it cannot be left to the police or handed over to the military. Both are neither permanent nor effective solutions. The government has to take the first steps to make our State metamorphose from a state that rules and dictates, to a state that cares about its people. After 69 years of independence, this metamorphosis is long overdue. We should remember and talk about transformation rather than the usual cliches on this independence day. Please dont wait for the youth to grow up and transform the State. Give it to them as a legacy so that they can grow up safe and out of harm's way. In the current climate it sounds like a utopian idea, but a beginning is necessary to reach the end of the journey.

Destiny

I am sitting in my room on my red velvet stool near the fireplace, there is no one here tonight but me. I remember the first time you called me in the evening three years ago. I was very upset that day and was crying after coming back from a party. I was unconsolable that night and felt I would die. Then suddenly the phone rang and it was you. I was surprised but felt happy to hear your voice. Somehow, ever since I first knew you, we have always been able to tell when the other is upset or perturbed, though we like to put up a brave front and downplay our problems with each other. Still, whenever I have been unhappy the thought that comes to mind is usually you. It was so easy to tell you whats wrong. It still is. The innate trust between us has seldom been shaken, if at all. You asked me how I were, and my hurts cascaded out of me. you consoled me in ur cute clumsey way, and told me stories about your keen observation and attention to detail. I was impressed, as I still am, (no mean achievement to be able to impress me by the way) and promised to call again. The begining of a long story. I look back now, and missing you tonight more than usual, because I need you to be with me. There are some people one meets in life who are meant to be there forever. They might come and go, the nature of relationships might evolve, but they are meant to be together. That is destiny. Destiny binds us to kindred souls who are like us and sense our feelings instinctively. In this chaotic world, this is God's gift to sustain us through life. Whether a child, sibling, friend or beloved, we cannot survive without our own set of kindred spirits. Through them God teaches us the secrets of life and its meaning, and also the lessons each of us need to learn. I used to scoff at the eastern concept of love before I met you. Grew up westernized, and to worship the ground your man walked on sounded like mumbo jumbo from Indian movies and totally against my feminist beliefs. I was totally into equal relationships. I dont know when this deep devotion creeped up on me. Suddenly like a vine entwining itself around a rough wall. I once said to a friend of mine, while trying to understand the dynamics of love, how can one fall in love in an arranged marriage. I got the reply, when he will love you, you will also fall in love. I got no such love the first time around, but now i think its true. One always loves the one who loves one, and vice versa. The sweet considerate things and rememberances have gotten the better of my tough soul. But I love your boldness the best. Love with a weakling must be a shame. I sometimes feel like a tamed shrew. But it is such a pleasure to love, respect and to be devoted to you.I have never looked back. And now I know that in the East, we do not love, we adore. The pitfalls of such adoration can be when ones sees the feet of clay. None of us is perfect, but I now know what a lady meant when, while describing her husband, once said to me, that he is not only whom I trust, he is my aqeeda( belief). When I think with my head, this still sounds a bit uncanny. I overanalyze what is only to be felt. I have attained the level of aqeeda and hope perhaps unreasonably, that I never see clay. Love is belief and clarity. When i question this state of being, My heart only answers, it was meant to be. In this velvet silence, I can feel the true form and shape of love. It is all around me.

Merit, Anyone?

I talk about my son a lot in my blogs. Its true, I love him a lot. He was 3 years old when his parents divorced. He has spent the last 3 years trying to grapple with his fragmented life. Iam always amazed by his goodness and good cheer despite the abnormal lifestyle he has. In the difficult life that I have, i and his father managed to prepare him for the Aitchison test. On weekends i would make him study 5 to 6 hours at a stretch. he would never rebel, or get bored or tired, but would cheerfully keep his head to the grind. Only after his test did it strike me that i had two very good friends on the Aitchison board and I approached both of them to put in a good word for my child. Both said , and these were important people, that we have no say. The principal doesnt listen to us. One of them said, "why didnt you tell me before the test?" I had never thought of it. Despite my good start in life, I consider myself a self made person. I wanted my child to take the first step on his own atleast. Anyway, I left it to God. and then the result came and he made it. We took him for the interview, his cheerful naughty self, and after a short interview, he was given the admission letter. It is true that both my sons parents are bureaucrats. But thats all we were. we did not use any approach. He was admitted only because he was good enough. When i came out, I was in tears. I thought, this is the first positive thing that has happened to this little boy since we divorced in 2011. I felt a little of the burden of guilt i carry lifting away from me, the guilt I feel for letting him down in the process of being true to myself. Last week he was getting his uniform from the school and had stars in his eyes. I was really impressed. I said to one of my firends, Punjab has finally ensured merit across the board. Now Aitchison is at par with Danish schools. Anybody can go there on the basis of hard work, not paternity. No "ashrafia" if you know what i mean.Punjab has done the impossible. I have only recounted my personal experience. I have no idea what happened in the board meeting that removed the principal. I met him only once. He said to me that he wasnt sure he would be able to survive in Aitchison. I only tried to write how much it can matter to a child and his parents if their child gets what he deserves for once, and they do not have to do any wrong to attain it for him. I have questions, so many. What are we doing to this society. What values are we bequeathing to our children. The children of the influential class has so many chances to get ahead in life when they dont deserve to. Is even this level being denied to people who have nobody to approach, or want their children to make it on their own? How will we ever create a just society if even a six year old learns that even if he is good, he will not get to the best place, but will have recourse only to cheap "itwar bazaar"schools, which he is supposed to be content with, while they cannot aspire to "shop" at high end schools. WHat matters is not what what you are inside, what only matters is whose child you are, how much money you have. Is this the legacy we want to leave behind? Is this the truth behind merit? Then why should anybody study, why dont we all just buy degrees and turn our institutions into Axact ? Why shouldnt the best minds leave this country, when they know that nobody cares for work, hard work, sense of responsibility and values? Values is for suckers. Then why shouldnt our youth not want to do anything apart from indulge in romance and buy phones? I see this listlessness in the workforce, the older students, the youth everywhere. Whats the point of kicking open doors for effect ? The legacy of compromise is reflected in the attitude of the Lahore traders who just are not used to paying taxes or having their incomes documented, and are not about to do it now. They want to use "shutter power" and want to punish "their government" . Because this government has never asked them to pay taxes before. They are aghast at this demand. Me, pay tax? the fundamental question of the privileged class in Pakistan. A lifetime of compromise has its benefits. I know what the fruits are. A just society is not one of the fruits. We have to stop the buck somewhere.

On this Eid- Live for others

Grey clouds heralded this eid ul fitr, Nature showed a merciful face this year, in contrast to the harsh sun of last eid. From a punishing mood, the cosmos are moving towards benevolence. But soon we will be facing flood conditions in Pakistan, which is a yearly feature. Last eid for me was difficult. Desolate and sad due to reasons beyond my control, I did not celebrate it. But this year I feel alive once again.I feel new hope, joy, caring. I dont feel alone anymore despite my recent illness. My loved ones made this happen. For this I am thankful to them and to God for his blessings.But the biggest source of happiness during Ramadan was to see my fifteen year old daughter do her month long internship at Akhuwat, the microfinance charity so admirably led by Dr.Amjad Saqib. I first witnessed their ceremony of extending micro loans to needy persons in the Shah Jamal Mosque in Lahore, in 2005. It brought tears to my eyes how a relationship was forged between the donors and the loan recipients.Here was a process with no question of dependence or compromise on self respect.From then on, Akhuwat has moved from strength to strength. when my daughter expressed this desire in April, I was overjoyed and took her to get registered myself. She became the youngest ever Akhuwat intern. I loved seeing her work from day to night, coming home tired but she was so happy, she was consumed by her work. It reminded me of myself when I work with people. The greatest joy is to make others happy. In her interest, I saw the realization of one of my greatest convictions, which made me join public service and make an effort to acquaint my children to the lives of poor people, real people i call them, not living in bubbles of comfort like people of my class. I believe that our nation can never progress until the people from the privileged classes get out of their comfort zones and make their contribution for the support of the less fortunate, not only in terms of money, but through giving time and working to improve things,whether within the government or independently. Ever since Pakistan came into being, the privileged class has mostly taken, but not given much back. We have lived selfishly, and now this message has trickled down to every strata of society.As a young person, i felt the most socially acceptable way for me was to join public service and i have seen and experienced that one can make so much difference, if only one wants to.I loved my work and have never looked back. I feel elated that my child is going in the right direction, achieving balance as a person, between her normal life and her duties towards her community. Infact, community work should be compulsory for teenagers, so that they develop an empathy for the have nots before their biases become hardened and they become the uncaring, unfeeling people I encounter everyday everywhere,thinking of only of self gratification. There are reasons for the apathetic attitudes. The message from the upper classes of living selfishly has permeated. Then most of us do not believe in the government, in the system. We look at it with cynicism and suspicion. Fear even. So we do not want to contribute.And then, after years of suffering a non inclusive form of governance, many of us do not have a sense of rights as well as our responsibilities. We cannot define our role in our national life, so many do not have the self confidence to think we can contribute and make a difference. We dont think we matter. But each of us has the power to change our world. If only we believe we can. Perhaps this eid is a time for new beginnings.

Unexpected Kindness

Today I was at the market with my 6 year old son, with the usual beggars whose numbers always increase in Ramadan. Never uncharitable, today I was occupied in getting out of there before Iftar and shooed away the beggars. My son admonished me and told me, you must give something to them. And i ended up giving more and bigger currency notes when the change ended. I happily heard his lecture that the poor need money more than we do and they dont even have money to buy food, so its our responsibility to help them.I felt proud of his charitable nature. But then i asked him, why dont they work? they dont have jobs maama, pat came the reply. But cant they do anything? Beggary is forbidden in islam. This was a revelation for him, as well as for me, as it is for most of us who are so used to seeing the beggars on the roads that we stop thinking of them as human beings, who might be equal to us. Poverty is such a scourge, we start thinking of somebody poor as a lesser being, and subconsciously divest them of human rights, though we are all equal as citizens of our country. We give them charity, without thinking, mostly with a sense of relief about ourselves that perhaps we have done a good deed during our da, not thinking of them. But how do we help them without making them compromise on their self respect? Self respect is a delicate thing in nations. It can be easily eroded through abuse and subjugation over the ages, as it has been in our country. But it is the difference between a self sustaining nation and a parasitical one. We are very proud of the fact that we are one of the most charitable nations in the world. But the next time I and many like me distribute food at Data Darbar, the shrine of the revered Muslim saint Ali Hajvairy, called Data, the Giver, we must stop and think how we can wean our people from expecting to live on charity, towards more self sufficiency. We need a well integrated social welfare system, a system which is equally accessible for all. I dream of a day when i go there and find nobody who is needy enough to want food. But then,which human being can be totally self sufficent? It is a goal we keep striving for, but realize our weakness each time. Rich and poor, we are at the mercy of life, fate, other people. The world is competitive, cruel, opportunistic.The powerful and rich think they dont need anybody, but we are just kidding ourselves. Infact all human beings are living dependent upon the kindeness of other human beings. We cannot survive without others. And the best kindness is that which is unexpected, which comes to us like a boon straight from God. The smile, the helping hand, the favour given, the problem solved, the response received, the action taken. Kindness can take so many forms. I am not poor. I dont consider myself alone or old . Yet two weeks ago I suddenly fell ill on the first of ramadan, while I had sent my guards and servant for iftar, again out of kindness by the way. I collapsed suddenly and fainted due to severe anemia which i was not aware of, and did not have the strength to get up when I woke up from delirium. There, lying on the wooden floor, trying to get a chocolate out of a drawer nearby to revive myself, I felt alone and helpeless, not sure how i would be in the next moment. Lying there, i called and messaged all the people I thought could respond, and were near enough. Only one called back to tell me that he was out of the city. Then suddenly an acquaintence responded to the message I had sent in the morning. i told him and he immediately arranged for a doctor, who came and helped me. It was help from out of the blue, a reminder that we are never alone in the presence of God. When one is restored, one's confidence revives and one can look back with amusement. But those minutes of absolute helplessness reminded me how precious kindness can be to anybody. We do not realize it, but our kindness to another human being can sometimes make or break them, and can be a difference of life or death for them. And the kindness which is not seeking any reward, not a return, not an acknowledgement, can be touching. As my acquaintence said when I later thanked him after recuperating," always there". It is the grace with which kindness is extended that makes it manifold and memorable. I will perhaps never need him again, but I did feel inspired to be like him in other people's lives if they need help, not for any reward, but only for the sake of helping .

Some are Strong

Today is the death anniversary of one of my favourite authors, Earnest Hemingway. I wanted to write something cheerful today, but a quote i read today commemorating his anniversary, pulled me towards itself like a magnet. " The world breaks everyone, and afterwards, some are strong at the broken places." Does hurt and pain makes us stronger? depepnds on what we are made of. some people are impervious like granite, some porous like sandstone, some melt away like chalkstone.Truth makes us tough, strong, our belief in our values makes us able to withstand loss, hurt, disappointment, misfortune. But what are the broken places ? to me, they are our experiences. Surviving a loss makes us used to loss, and maybe, if we get out of it with our integrity intact, it makes us strong enough to withstand a bigger loss , a bigger catastrophe, a bigger misfortune. Our experiences are the sum total of our gain on this earth, our experiences and actions. But what hurts us most. . Standing fast with our beliefs or staying in the comfort zone of the structure that we are born into, which lets us just flow with the predetermined course of things? If we go with the flow, we never learn to swim on our own. never gaining the strength to think and act on our own, decide what to believe in, what not to believe in, how to live one's life. But going against the tide damages us more..but makes us stronger at the same time. I was born in a privileged home, with a very sheltered upbringing, but in the course of my life I had to take so much pain, so much disappointment, that now I look back and wonder how I could sustain what i did. I was not this strong. It is only the Grace of God which sustained me. If i can survive with so much , I am sure anybody can. I am a weak person, but still I chose to go on, not give up, because nobody in the world has the right or prerogative to tell you, that you are not good enough, that you are bad. Those who say it should look at their own weaknesses first, and then brand or judge others.. We all have faults. It is for God, not human beings to decide who deserves what, who is good and who is bad. The more judgemental one becomes, the more hurt comes ones own way. And those whom we judge so gloatingly, grow stronger and are blessed more and more. My first marriage taught me lots of lessons in what not to do. All that I disliked about my ex spouse I learnt to take out of my life, like self righteousness, manipulation,false pride,selfishness and especially rudeness and loudness, among other stuff. I am basically hot tempered, but now my elder daughter gets frustrated why I never seem to get angry, whatever happens, why I do not fight even when the occasion calls for it. Is patience also a manifestation of becoming stronger at the broken places? It seems like it. Suffering also makes one more thankful and appreciative of what one does have,because one knows that it could get worse:) The ability to appreciate and value the good things and people in your life is one og the greatest blessings a person can have. the world is a cruel place, where we compete with nature and ourselves each day. One gets broken and one is supposed to get hurt. But what one does with the hurt and pain is what makes the biggest difference.If one spreads goodness in return for the pain that one gets, how much better can life be for people around us. And to me, the caring person is the strongest, not the proudest one.

Homecoming

The reflection of the half moon of summer glitters on the watery green fields . In the dusk twilight, I can see the orange-pink of the unending horizon from the aeroplane window , and the moon, and its moonlight on the ground at the same time, as my plane hovers over the Lahore airport, preparing to land.To this bewitching city I come back once again. In my efforts to keep my shattered life together, I shuttle between my workplace, Islamabad, and my home, Lahore. Here I was born, bred, married, had children, worked, divorced, buried my father and only brother, and here, whats left of my family, and my children, live. I have loved, lived laughed and cried in this city, and here i will be buried, as God wishes. So far so good. A life lived in pockets of priorities, career, family, love, self, aspirations, becomes fragmented and cyclical. One pocket at the cost of others keeps swelling, perhaps all of us live like this these days. Insulated from the people in my workplace, only exposed to office intrigue and petty minds and concerns, I feel myself wilting, deteriorating. My work used to be the most significant part of my life, because it enabled me to make a difference and help others. That sense is not there now, and I feel useless and uninspired, restless. Happiness in love cannot compensate for this. I do not feel alive. My ex spouse is getting married, as I always knew he would. That was the main reason for his insisting on a divorce, which was not surprising, since we never had anything in common. Even our friends could not find anything in common when they met each other at our home. But i did not like the whole vaudeville he created to enable himself to extricate himself from the marriage. Perhaps he knew that if he told his family the real reason he wanted out, because he was tired of living a lie, people would not accept it. So he created a justification, and postured to be a hapless husband who had to take care of his children, which was farthest from the truth as it could be, as when i worked, my mother took care of my kids and he just lounged around watching tv, making the occasional bottle of milk for the one year old. I would have respected him more if he had stated his reasons frankly and moved on. But then, in this hypocritical society, who can dare to speak out his real needs? And he could never bear to be unpopular or disliked. he always wanted approval, which made him such a coward. Well may he find happiness, Im happier to note that another of his lies about devoting his life to kids and never remarrying, stands exposed. I could never love him, because he was always a liar. Finally I will be freed from his blame games. The best things in my life are the kids. Beautiful, bright, doing well. confident and serious, but always bursting with joy and naughtiness. I hope they know the value of the good things in life, and know how to differentiate between whats right and wrong. One big thing going right in my life. Im lucky. The self is the last these days. It will bloom with inspiration, and love, the snippets that i receive of it from time to time, though they suffice for now. The tall bamboo trees in my home rustle in the wind, as the monsoon clouds come sweeping in on the unending horizon. Another season of fulfillment is coming on.

What happens next

Human beings have been traversing the earth for aeons, and ever since we were dropped onto it, as our religions say, or evolved, a Darwin says, we have for ever been clueless about why we are here, what we are supposed to do here, and where we are heading. Religion has taken care of the first two questions. We know we were put on earth by God to do good things, the right thing, and help him prove to the Devil that our creation was not in vain. We also know we will go back to him, and death will take us there, but one question always bothers each human being as we progress on our own individual life path: what does the future hold, what does life have in store for us, simply, what happens next. To me, it seems the reason for this curiosity is, that there is an outer landscape around us, and in our minds, there is an inner landscape that is very different from the physical one outside. the landscape of our minds is composed of what we want our life to be like. It is made up of our hopes, dreams, desires,ambitions. And with this landscape our emotions are very much attahced. There is an innate desire in every human being to want that the physical lanscape around him should match his inner landscape as much as possible, and on this his or her happiness and satisfaction in life depends. The desire to know what happens next is because we want to know how much these two landscapes will resemble each other in future, and if our efforts to match them will bear fruit or will be futile. We have devised many ways of assessing what happens next. Astrology, tarot, runes, iching,palm reading,dream interpretation, signs, all sorts of superstitions, globe reading gypsies, and Istikharas for muslims.We pray, we go to holy places, we make promises to God, all to placate Him into granting our wishes. Yet we still have no idea. Sometime something works, sometimes something else works. We do not know why. But more often than not, we notice that what we believe in works. Is it perhaps because belief is stronger than all other things in the universe? What we beleive in, becomes our truth. And that becomes real, palpable, and takes a physical form in the end. Does that mean that the human being is actually the most powerful being in this world? the viceregent of God the creator, who can acheive things through sheer willpower? Hope, belief and faith, have made what seemed impossible, become possible in my life. So I guess I am one person who has proof that faith can move mountains. I am sure each of us have many examples of such events in their own lives. It is true, things in our life never match our inner landscape exactly. There are variations. Depends on our effort level and and also our willingness to take risks. Which follows on the strength of our beliefs. The more we strive, the more similar they become. The more one believes, the more one strives. Reminds me of Rumi's ideas, (i do not remember the exact words), that there is a hidden treasure in each of us, meaning a well of strength, which is more powerful and valuable than anything in the outside world, and every human being should try to seek that. If we find it, we can change ourselves and our world. What happens next in our lives, is usually based on what we find inside us.

Soulmate

I write todays post one day after my birthday. On my birthday I re met one of my very good friends, and she then told another, then another. It is true that I have very few friends. I dont make them easily. But Im surprised again and agaian to know that those who hung on to me through my difficult times, are with me because of myself, not because of any other reason. Perhaps the only way to recognize true friends is to see how they treat you when you are down and out. My mother used to tell me that people are insincere and wicked, and she taught me from an early age to distrust people, expect the worst from them, and always be wary, aloof, suspicious. So that people do not get the oportunity to hurt you. I thank my stars that i met so amny other people in life, good people, who liked me and stuck by me, and made me believe in the goodness of humanity, the ability of the human being to attract good by doing the right thing, and bringing the best out of people by expecting the best. It was my father who taught me to stand up for my values and for what i believed in, no matter what. he taught me to be independent in thought and action, but I think I learnt to take risks purely on my own. And a good but reticent friend taught me not to feel sorry for myself even in the worst of times, and get hold of my life by getting a grip on myself. But I learnt the most beautiful lesson of my life from the one that I love. He said, expect good from life, only then will good things happen to you. I was struck by it, because i had never thought of life this way. Nimbly and nervously, i began to venture out of my fears and began following what he had said. I trust him so much, I believed it because he had said it, though i wasnt sure about its effectiveness. Till date, this thought has given me nothing but happiness, faith and hope. Well it is not surprising. Ever since I have met him, i have known much happiness. Whenever I look into his shining eyes, I see love, acceptance and appreciation, and myself. He doesnt say much, but then nor do I. I want him to express his feelings more, but then i remember that i am the same. We say little, do more, and feel most. His actions, sometimes i like them,sometimes i dont, are a perfect mirror of myself. His good qualities are my good qualities, but the ones that i dont like, I realize that i have these habits too. Its sometimes uncanny. Perhaps this is the reason, I cannot stay away from each other. Sometimes, when Im patiently waiting for him to find time while my issues get bigger and bigger,I remember my daughter, three years old, who used to wait for me when she came back from school, if she needed anything, thinking that she would do her project, ask for things when mama came home. But I would get late and she would fall asleep waiting for me. I was very busy at the time, i couldnt help it but feel bad to this day. She learnt to do without me. But when i wait for him , i realize how trying it is to wait for someone you love to find time for you when he has so much work to do and cannot help it. It wasnt my fault, it isnt his, but it is trying all the same. The tiredness, the irritability, the preoccupation, I have gone through it myself, that is why i can accept it. I do know that my love washes away his worries, the same way his love and affection , his spontaneous bursts of affection, caring and sometimes possessiveness, wash away my sorrow, my loneliness and my insecurities. I bloom, smile, and feel grateful. And feel that i am the luckiest woman in the world. He isnt perfect, but he is perfect for me. Whenever i expect bad from him, i recive only good. whatever, is in my best interest, he does instinctively. Whenever we are upset with each other, circumstance remove all our misunderstandings. For all his possessiveness, he never makes me feel cloistered or suspected, only loved and cherished. Do I wax too eloquent on his greatness? As i said many times before, it is not because he is perfect, but he is perfect for me. And on my birthday,I guess Im allowed to feel a bit grateful for all this uncanniness. We look for miracles, but we miss the small miracles that God blesses us with: the people whom we love, and those who love us back.

Quality of Life

Last week i was talking to a friend and we chanced upon analyzing the lifestyle of the successful citizens of western economies. Most of our generation aspires towards the ideal of a lifestyle that we see in western movies and tv, and we emulate their dress, their accent, their way of life as we percieve or imagine it to be. This is a fact that most of our young people would like to move abroad and live that life . But another fact is that if they want a lifestyle like that, once abroad, they have to live a fairly regimented life, where most of the day is spent working and the rest doing chores, and only on weekends do they get a respite. This is the routine of a successful executive living in say, NYC. But here the boys and girls live off the money of their parents, and pretend the outward trappings of a rich and decadent lifestyle which is actually composed of using internet devices, hanging out with friends, going out and ...well not much apart from that. this alarming tendency emerging among our youth was memorably captured in the Pakistani movie" Slackistan". Most of us and our younger generation want to get rich as early in life as possible, taking easy ways, emphasizing that quality of life matters more than the achievements and successes that their parents might want them to aspire to. Yet this is a contorted view of the western ideal. Those who have lived abroad know that most of the people there work twice as much as we do. But here, the young people want the lifestyle, but dont want the work . It is also a fact that the majority of the people in the west are working as entrepreneurs at different levels. Here in Pakistan we lack the opportunities but also the drive to work for ourselves, to work with our hands,take initiative, take risks and strike out on our own. ever when trained and educated in business, most of our youth would like to do a job, in the private or public sector, making perhaps half of what they could earn if they worked as entrepreneurs. Naturally, if everyone wants to work for somebody else, we will not have growth and people becoming millionnaires. Well well well. The cobwebs of the mind are mostly social and tangled in the feudal mindset. It is not the done thing to work with your own hands. It is more socially acceptable to have a job, and among the lower classes, a government job, even if it is that of a peon, because it reflects a certain amount of stability. Perhaps we do not have opportunities, perhaps the government is to blame for not having policies which crate an enabling environment. But modern USA was not made by the government, it was made by the pioneering businessmen and spculators who established businesses which resulted in huge growth of the economy. All the government needs to do is not to interfere too much , but a social change and change in the way we think about growth and achievement is required in Pakistan. We need to encourage our young ones to stand up and achieve on their own steam, rather than be forty years old and still expecting dole outs from their parents and lackmailing aging parents if they do not oblige. This vicious circle of exploitation masquerading in the form of obeisance within families needs to end. Each young bird in the nest needs to learn to fly on its own. The problem with parents is that we see our children not as individuals but extentions of ourselves and feel slighted if they are not successful, spending our whole lifetime sustaining them whereas it should be the other way round if at all. We need to open our eyes to these realities. i wish the quality of life by the youth is not weighed by not only how much money you have or u spend, but also on how much you work to achieve this on your own. An independent life, not obliged to anybody, should be the best life. The true determinant of the quality of life is making it all happen on your own steam, not as a parasite. Acting as an individual, we stand to gain much more, indivudually and collectively.

When its not enough

Lots of friends ask me why what I have is not enough for me. A good enough job, no major financial cares, three beautiful children who are doing ok in theirs schools, why i am not attracted to more leisure actitvities, why i dont want to go to coffee parties, why i dont "enjoy life " in its myriad connotations, including fashionable passtimes like drinking, smoking, socializing a lot, going for holidays, etc. Its true i have a settled life and a small number of friends and family members that I can count on, and who can count on me. Yet the usual passtimes do not attract me. I love my work, I love my responsibilities but I have difficulty ignoring the world around me and the huge collective problems that we face as a society. Being a part of the government, i can see the ineffectual and often half hearted efforts to take this country in the right direction, that the civil servants and other stakeholders make. It fills me with cringing, how people who are responsible for the fates of the nation are more interested in their golf and squash games than important work to be done. It is then that I feel a deep cringing of the "good life" which is in essence irresponsible. How people are judged and positioned at government positions not due to their ability and hard work, but due to their ability to massage the egos of their bosses, and their sheer mediocrity that makes the boss feel more secure in their presence. These attitudes make me cringe, and feel repulsed with the enjoyment that people of my class are indulging in, without any care to their rersponsibilities. Such an existence, is not enough for me. I do not feel attracted to it, I do not aspire to it. I do aspire, as a responsible citizen of the society, to do my bit to make this world a better place, and my country a better place. Leisure, fun, enojyment, have theoir place in one's life, but not in the life of a person in the government, in a responsible position, who has been given the chance to help others improve thier lot in life. Lack of this empathy and sense of responsibility, is one of the biggest failing of the Pakistan bueraucracy. we have decided that once in service, it is our ticket to all sorts of benefits that we are entitled to milk from our positions. But have we ever thought that on each position, what contributions have made to this country by the time we leave it? no, that is not a genuine concern of the normal joe behind the desk in a government office. All sorts of excuses are given for this: what has this country given to us, what are the politicians and dicatators doing, so on and so forth. But have we provided the politicians any workable solutions to the ills of the system? no. HAve we done our job over the generations? no. Have we stood our ground notwithstanding lack of facilities? no. Our whole concentration is on surviving one more day. This way of living selfishly, this aproach is not enough for me. My father and others tried to make me make it ok, but they never succeeded. It is not the only purpose of ones life. We are here for a reason and each of us have a responsibility to fulifill. It is not enough to enrich oneself. Our life can only suffice when we give our time and effort to help others too, those who are not our family and friends, many we will not even meet, much less get their thanks, but we in our hearts will know that we have done our duty by them. That is the standard i judge myself on, and each in public office must do the same.

Privacy of the individual

I am a victim of character assassination, disinformation, propaganda and defamation by so many individuals and organizations on internet. My enemies left no stone unturned to spread rumours about me, malign my character and portray me as somebody which is not even remotely like me. I remember that i could find no way to tell people that what they were saying was not true. Nobody was willing to listen to me, my family was getting embarrassed and blaming me for all the hoopla, when i had no hand in it. Clearly, somebody wanted to destroy my reputation, my dignity and my self respect. They nearly succeeded. But for my strong belief in God, I would have broken down, descended into depression. One of my "well wishers " also suggested suicide as a possible solution when i was at my lowest ebb. But then , We must all remember that God, the Almighty , most gracious, most merciful, is also the greatest Conspirator. Nobody can be smarter than him, and you can fool the whole world, but you cannot fool Him. He will see to it that justice is done through any instrument of his choosing. So i lived. And survived. through the deceit, the conspiracy, the backstabbing of seemingly close friends. When I tried clarifying my name through the print media, nobody helped me. nobody wanted to help me. The only thing that came to my rescue, where i found the freedom of expressing my thoughts, was the cyberspace. Here was a universe where all were equal and had the same rights to express themselves. No references or exploitation was a part of airing your views. And apart from my thoughts, i had so much to say about the world that I live in, our society, my work, my other passions, the causes that i believe in.Cyberspace made me free. It made so many others like me feel that they had a voice, that it could be heard, and that what they thought mattered and they had a right to express themselves rather than toeing other's lines. Cyberspace is all about individual freedom and having access to information and rights, if you are looking for them. It is the ultimate level playing field. To each his own choice of using the internet, which we may not like or dislike, but we have no right to take away their freedom or right of expression. If we are in the right, we do not need to be afraid of what they say. we just need to change the narrative. But now the government wants to pass the Cybercrime Bill which has no room for the concept of privacy of the inividual. Such intrusions on the basic human rights of people should be weeded out of the Bill. dissent is the essence of democracy and personal freedoms should be guarded jealously. I and so many persons like me have a voice. It should not be gagged. ]

Development & the people

Today I bought a book by Amartya Sen, Nobel Laureate -Economist. He was an inspiration to me to study development economics and poverty. The name of the book is Development As Freedom. The book evoked so many memories of my experiences in the field and of the time when I work with the people-- the time I feel happiest as well as sad. I feel happy when i come into contact with normal people, all sorts of people, when I observe them and listen to them, and the most when I am able to help them. But I feel sad when I look at the squalid existence of the majority of the people of Pakistan, their eyes without hope , given to fatalism, unaware and not confident of their rights because they have never been allowed to aspire so much by the ruling classes, of course I am a member of it, which makes the burden of guilt even greater. Our people lack trust in the system, the bureaucracy, the ruling classes, whoever they might be, they see the State as the enemy still after half a century of supposed independence. Our rural poor have all the qualities so vividly described of colonized people by Albert Camus's The Wretched of The Earth. That book was an eye opener for me when i read it while a trainee officer in the Elitist DMG campus. He was describing Algerians but the description was of the average Pakistani.They are sharp, they are always ready to get around authority to get their due , however little they get it. they lie ,cheat and derive pleasure from wrondoing.why is that? I am reminded of my visit to Australia in 2005 when I observed that their zoo animals and birds would approach people with trust in their eyes, hoping for love and food, in stark contrast to pakistani wildlife in zoos, which runs in the opposite direction or attacks when it sees humans. Expectations are always conditioned by experience. So it is with our people. Development is direly required all over the country and is the means of a better life experience for people, affecting their outlook and expectations from life. But we the ruling classes have made development another tool for blackmail, subjugation and politics. It is bartered for allegience, obeisance and control, and many times used for vendetta against rivals. By linking development to politics, we punish a person for not voting for a certain gentleman and voting for another. He sees his side of the colony or city languish and fall into disrepair, without basic amentities and maintenance, while the rivals side prospers, develops and blooms. Then development is done piecemeal, as sugar drops to a child from time to time, a street here, a road there, not resolving issues in a holistic way. To be sure, if you give something to somebody completely,why would they be at your door all the time? Therefore, development has become a means of control, not for serving the people. The traditional politician would expect that giving a job to a man would ensure gratitude in that family for the next two generations. I shudder to use the word change for obvious reasons, but the government, who ever heads it, needs to rethink how we treat our people, and how we perceive them. Development as freedom in Pakistan is a faraway dream. Choosing development projects independently is unheard of especially in rural areas and smaller cities, where problems glare at one in the face but are not solved due to biases and local vested interests .In such scenarios the people turn to the bureacracy to maintain balance, and respect us for it if we do. But our ability to maintain balance is fast eroding.Nevertheless, an independent way of prioritizing development is necessary. Political mileage can be a part of it but it should be fair and unbiased, not the only consideration. It would be a fine balancing act given competing interests after scarce resources,but we should give it a try. We should give our people a better standard of living not as a favour, but as their constitutional and human right.

Rain in the Capital

I was in love with rain since childhood. Befitting then that I ended up in a city where it rains more on average than any other major city in Pakistan. But here we have a different way of dealing with rain than in my native Lahore. We do not celebrate, like they do, but merely acknowledge, with a nod of our heads, a look out of the window, and carry on regardless. Most of the residents in this city are pursuing very important tasks which have implications on a national level, so we just give the rain a look and go on with our routines. It is a rarified atmosphere that we live in here, far removed from common people and their problems, and not a very good sense of the ground realities prevail here as far as the bureaucracy is concerned. The pace is slower, not a great sense of urgency apart from some offices. There is a far greater opportunity of making a difference, if one wants to. But we lack freshness, new perspectives, out of the box thinking. Islamabad needs waking up. It needs to become more frantic, more desparate to find the twentififth hour during the day to get things done. I wish we could do that. But why would the best officers come here to work, who want to or could make a difference. Living and working is difficult for younger officers here. The Pak Secrtariat is falling to pieces while CDA looks the other way. Authority is diffuse among ministries and the buck doesnt seem to stop anywhere. Each day humans wake up and set out to create order out of the perpetual chaos that surrounds them, we are supposed to start afresh each day to keep chaos from taking over. Yet it is difficult to discern order from chaos here. It is quiet, beautiful, peaceful. Still. Yet chaos prevail. In an ivory tower, the pulse of the people is hard to hear. One is surrounded by courtiers, who say little and only what their agenda allows. But common people expect us to better their lives. Can we be sure to deliver through our myopic thinking and set systems, and predictable schemes and strategies? The system of doing things needs to be changed. Im not sure if reform is a big priority of the federal government. It is direly needed if we are to move forward. We could start by making life easy for the staff and downsizing. Ministries restructuring is great and welcome. Downsizing would be a bigger, more difficult task. But how and why we do things should also make sense and be more transparent. Right now it doesnt. Some people think Im too outspoken for a government servant. But what is new in what I say? We all know about these issues but choose to look the other way. I think i need to clarify...These are my views, not necessarily my own personal experiences. Hope to provoke thoughts only.

Do we need public doles?

Was not away but too preoccupied with my thoughts to write..when things upset me more than usual it makes me physically ill or atleast not able to express myself. I have been reading the Indus Saga by Aitzaz Ahsan, which the author was very kind to autograph for me, since I have made the ommission of not reading it till now, which is bad but not surprising since i have not done a lot of what i should have done..The book is indeed absorbing and thought provoking. It brings up again and again the static nature of our societal existence. Ours is a society designed to maintain the status quo and make sure that no body gets out of the shackles that we put them in. It is a landscape where each day rises and sets like the one before and the individual feels that nothing can change, nothing will change. This is why our people are listless and without hope of a better tomorrow through their own efforts. They just think something might change through divine intervention, but not with their own hands. For centuries we have existed like this. This state of affairs has given us a present where mothers committ suicide because they cannot pay for the fees of their children. I cannot but forget the incident in Makkah colony,Lahore in 2008, where a young woman killed herself because she was dejected at having no money for her children's education. I was a young Assistant Commissioner then, and the then PM was to arrive and visit the bereaved family. The streets had been cleaned because of the VIP visit. I entered the small door of a building where the family of four lived in one room. the lady had to arrange her kitchen things in the corridor outside the room, which was a thoroughfare for the other residents of the building. I read her last letter before her death, in which she had written why she was dying, but had written ,curiously, that she wanted to be buried next to her mother, and that nobody should have any objection to that. Needless to say, it was an allusion to her spouse and in laws, which showed her inner loneliness and feeling of helplessness even at the moment of death. I could never forget that room, the children and the kitchen things in the corridor. I have seen countless scenes of helplessness and despair on the faces of common men and women. Years have passed, i have tried on different positions to help as many poeple as i could, but each day I wake up to the feeling of not being equal to the gigantic task, of the dire and pressing need for social reform. who is going to do that and how, how are the religious and community elders going to react to it if some section of society rises up to take its rights, as it should, I do not know. The government, tries to give out money to solve these problems. They think giving alms, the traiditional way of helping the poor, will keep working. But it is not working. Pakistan is one of the most charitable nations in the world they say. But faced with the current problems, it is not working. The only way is to empower people to be equal, to give them means to earn and help themselves.It is true that we take money through taxes and spend on poor, but we should spend on systems rather than cash schemes. All these different schemes that are being launched and the financial support they offer are going to be swallowed up by the parasitical structure of our society, where the earning members are hostages to the demands of their families. they will get votes, but not solve the real issues of our society. Our young people are without idealism and dreams because they know that in their lives, not much will change despite their hard work. What we require is not more waseela e haq, but an inspired and motivated nation with more awareness of their rights as individuals and systems to protect those rights. We need more social justice, more protection of the individual. For example, centres for battered women rather than jail like daarul amaan where one can only enter through the court. The society rejects the individual and supports the imposition of collective will over that of a person. We need laws that are enforced. We need equal opportunities, not alms. If you give alms, all you get are beggars. We end up begging at the national level, because people are not self sufficient at the grassroots level and live mostly on the charity of family or strangers or the government and cannot pay taxes to the government. It is a joke not to be able to control prices and to be content at having "Sasta Bazaars"We need an enabling environment, not more public doles.

Women's Lib

Gloria Steinem I am not. Bra burner I am not either. Then how do I justify being a feminist. Most of the women felt, in the nascent days of Women's lib that going to the extreme and casting off every shackle of suppression which is designed to make us more subservient and therefore more acceptable to men, was the need of the hour. Perhaps it was so, and looking back 50 or 60 years ago, it is evident that women of the world have come a long way. Now atleast in the urban areas of Pakistan even, it is not an anomaly for a woman to work, go out alone or drive, do chores alone or be the primary breadwinner of the family. The only shackles that remain are the attitudes, and the harrassment which is experienced by women at the hands of men in authority or in any dominant position. For that the governement has to work hard and create an enabling environment for women to feel comfortable and secure in their day to day life. It is not a very difficult thing to do. I must appreciate the work that the Punjab governement has done in terms of legislation, women's package, the recent activation of women's ombudsman, a longstanding dream, and now the working women's endowment fund.The othe provinces and the centre are far behind. These are good measures and practical ones too, if only actually translated into the reality of day to day life. Another thing which the government needs to build and strengthen are the women's shelters and homes. however, it is imperative that we add to their design trauma centres where a battered girl can take refuge, get treatment and get psychological counselling. one problem with the existing homes is that today if a woman needs to escape from an abusive husband, she will not be allowed entry into the home. We must allow easier access to homes for battered women. The government should rise above the fears that the lawahiqeen will come and claim the girl/woman. it is time we treat women as individuals entitled to their own will, rather than as possessions of the family. One thing that i like is that now that so many things about women's empowerment have become the norm, it is no longer considered necessary for a woman to discard her feminine traits to achieve emancipation. I do not think it is necessary for a woman to be rude or gruff to be strong and assert her independence. one needs to be clear in one's mind about ones values and firm about them. obviously, resorting to a little bit of aggression where it is required, but i would prefer the cool confidence of an educated lady, rather then the harsh fury of reactionary activists. We need not compete with men. we are evidently better:) but we are different and both sexes do well to accept their differences and learn to interact accordingly. The men also need to learn that assertivenes is not necessarily a challenge to their manliness. Women need to be polite but firm about what they do or do not want, even if they are in a position of authority. it works even without resorting to looking or behaving like a man. If one is better than others in work, one earns respect the right way. and the best answer for harassment is: name and shame. the rest falls in place. women just need to keep their self confidence and sense of self worth alive. If I am confident of who i am, I dont need to insult anybody to prove myself. but i do not need to take something below my dignity either. I hope that graceful but firm, the women keep coming into public life and change our society, by changing themselves first.We wont get anywhere by competing for men.

Ashes to ashes

Images of the funeral pyre of Pakistan's one the most respected members of the judiciary, Rana bhagwandas is evocative. Made out of dust, we return to it, some through decomposition after burial, some after cremation turn to ashes and dust. Thus we leave our earthly dress and our real self, the spirit rises above to its creator. I heard a few people on tv giving statements that Rana bhagwandas had written naats, that his study of the religion of Islam was very wide. Do wd really need to make such statements as Muslims to justify our presence at the funeral of a Hindu ? He was, I guess, after all, an infidel, so it follows that we should be suitably contrite at our presence or association to him even in death. I felt strange and bad. How would an overseas Pakistani feel if he died in Britain and a Christian friend says, you know, he had written some hymns in honour of Jesus . I wonder what religion do spirits have when they appear before god. Isn't he supposed to be one? It is this unwillingness to accept those who are different and those who are not like us, who believe in some other values, that is the basis of all cruelty , it is this intolerance. Before we nab the Taliban We need to kill this little extremist hiding within our own selves, who wants to hate, who wants to brand, who wants to punish the other. Who wants to impose his own will on others and who wants revenge from all those people who have what he doesn't . Extremism is the hallmark of every closed and inward looking society. The more we purify it and create uniformity , the more extremist it will become. We lose sight of the goodness in others and concentrate on what is wrong . To each god has given his own destiny. Nobody can change it. But how can an infidel be good, not seeing our own sins that we commit everyday and then take refuge in the hypocrisy of telling ourselves that we are Muslims , so it follows that wd are right and justified in our sins . I would like to remember a human being only as he or she was, a good human being or bad one. That should be the only criteria for rememberence and is I'm sure the only criteria for gods mercy and benevolence

burey halaat

Somebody posted on my blog, that i should not write about my personal life. Curious idea. I wonder why anybody would object to know that i am happy? I write about sadness and nobody says dont write about that. So why this nervousness about happiness? I like to share some aspects of my life but not all, but media has not been so kind to me. which aspect of my personal life was not discussed on the same medium? At that time nobody objected, they just enjoyed. so i say, physician, heal thyself. It is better that i say what i want to say myself, rather than letting people indulge in conjecture and rumour mongering. I have always felt that each day is a new start, I do not believe in looking back in anger. Otherwise, how much more of my "personal life" i could have written about! those who would do anything to keep their hold on power and privilege, demean themselves, go to any length to hang on to their ticket to "success' and be called " success stories" when all they can boast of is one shameful act after another in an attempt to hang on. But what is the point of mentioning people like that. I would rather talk about somebody I truly respect and love. Someone who has healed my wounds and made me believe in goodness. Somebody I look up to, despite the fact that i would sometimes tease. Who makes things happen that others only talk about. Who is not led by fears and complexes. Such a person is worthy of mention, worthy of association, worthy of affection. every woman needs someone to adore. Yet this is not all on my mind today. My daughter asked me today, why does Pakistan have these burey Halaat ( adverse circumstances/ conditions)? I am at a loss what to say to her. I don’t know how many of my generation have an answer to this question and how many, like me, have to struggle with a response. . We are not the generation who oversaw these developments in our national life, but we were witnesses to it, and now are coming to a stage where we can make a difference in society. We are the parents, the middle managers, the young bureaucrats getting to senior positions, the young politicians chairing some standing committee or as in KP, heading a provincial department. The old guard is still strong in Punjab and Sindh and of course the centre. But her question is still difficult to answer. I can only think of two reasons which our earlier generations have brought the matters to the present scenario. We as a society have been insecure, selfish and irresponsible. We have thought about our own gains and not cared about what happened to the person next door, as long as we were in the pink. Then a peculiar tendency that at least I have noticed is that people will spend no energy on their own betterment but will spend double the amount of energy on pulling others down. We are afraid to compete fairly, so we try to “cut corners” and deviously win. The ego reigns supreme. Not values. I sometimes joke to people who come to me to help them pull down others that you want to make sure that everybody remains in the mud and anybody who tries to get out of it, should not succeed. As long as all are in the mud, we achieve our societal targets. This is how our society maintains the status quo, and we as a nation lose out on progress and success. Irresponsibility, on the other hand, I cannot explain. We have this general tendency of being so relaxed about things, so laid back, probably stemming from our sufi roots but more probably due to the majority being unlettered and the general attitude of ignorance which prevails in our society. An unlettered man doesn’t know much about his universe, and life is a series of incidents to him which he cannot explain rationally, and thus explains through resignation to the will of God. While I am not discounting the will of God, much of our mess is of our own making, which god might be amused at but would not like to help us out of it as all our effort is to stay in the mud. Lets see when we have enough confidence to get out of it and chart a different course.