Say No To Terrorism

My son is five . He sleeps as I write. I can hear his regular breathing, the smell of his hair and skin gives me comfort that he is well. But there are hundreds of mothers in Pakistan today, who can touch the clothes of their boys but can never hear their breath again. And it was not natural death, painful as it is to bear, but their lives were wrenched away by self righteous beings who lost all semblance of humanity long before they embarked on this unimaginably hideous deed. All day on 16th December,2014, i kept thinking what i would have done if it were my son, my children. perhaps taken up arms to aveng them? Yes I would have. To protect her children in every way possible, even in ways which are impossible.That is the first instinct of a mother. That should be the first instinct of the State too. It should protect its people the way a mother protects her children. We have lived enough in terror. they have sold their rhetoric in the garb of Islam for too long. They have confused and clouded the judgement of two generations, who honestly believe now that they are justified in killing others to get their own way, that it is holy to kill children. Yet terrorism is just a mans way of expressing his hatred for his targets, and for himself, and for cowing others into submission. It is correct to weed out these criminals and punish them, as the government is endeavouring to do right now. This is the way the law works too, criminals know that there will be a reprisal for crime, in the form of an encounter if not through a court of law. But the government must realize that we cannot support the status quo anymore. The powerful few who wreak injustice upon the weak, making them a willing fodder for the terrorist trainers. the FATA agencies which we have failed to bring into the pale of normal Pakistani societies, saying they dont want our laws and are happy with their "ways", but there is a whole generetation of young men and women there who is seething at the injustice and suffocation its society breeds. We cannot ignore it. The State must provide them protection, we must establish justice in this society. We must own our youth, and not let the poor young be " catered to" by the madaris. Why cant we have boarding lodging schools for the poor, rather than a few Danish schools? why cant we give food and clothes to the school going children? they would be happy enough to have a teacher around.when are we going to talk about the violence that our young people have to bear from early age, taking away their innocence, sensitivity and humanity? it is not an easy task. Civilized societies have taken years to achieve these goals and even then such incidents happen. But they are perpetuated by individuals rather than groups.But this is a good time to start. No one can finish that which they have not begun. It is a difficult road. The people at the helm of affairs must be scared of reprisals. But we cannot shirk our collective responsibility any longer. We must take this road. If we do not suffer apologists anymore, if we refuse to tolerate this collectively, there is nothing a band of terrorists can do against a nation determined to eliminate them. It is sad that the political parties did not support the war against terror earlier. But this government has a unique opportunity to act. and act it should, if only to protect the right of each mother in Pakistan to be sure that she hears the breathing of her child.

Friends

I have been away for more than a month. Apologies to my readers. For the past few months I have been disturbed as well as busy. I made a decision to move from my hometown Lahore , and a whirlwind of activities related to the move followed. Why I moved? Call it wanderlust or my liking for the capital city, but now I live in Islamabad. I wanted a change, and also wanted to see if I like Islamabad better than Lahore. Of course I have lots of friends and family in Lahore but I do have some very dear friends in Islamabad too.. They have helped me and supported me through many difficult times as I passed through periods of depression and despair and have never been stingy in giving mr their time and attention despite being very busy people themselves. It is a paradox of my life that my family has been unsupportive in trying times but my friends came through for me always. After my fathers death,and other catastrophes, I think a big reason of why I'm alive are my friends, wherever they live. Let my glory be, like Yeats, that I had such friends.I once read a "test" for friendship: you know if anybodys your friend or not, just wake them up at 2 am and see! Well, from that criteria, I have so many friends! Those who did not let me down when those whom I trusted most did.Now this is about friends right now, not loved ones. So I hope my loved ones don't take offense at this excessive allusion to friends, but it is the truth. Trying to settle down as quickly as I can, but a homestead is something I cannot do without. So hopefully I will have it soon and would love to see people I love, adore and respect my friends and loved ones, join me there. I am a strange person I think. I seem to love my friends as much as I love my family. I cannot distinguish between the two. Perhaps they are the family I chose for myself. Being in love with somebody is different, he or she is The one or at least should be, I am a bit old-fashioned in this era of multiple partners, but my friends I love with the same affection as my children, or my siblings( the ones that I do love) is it me or others " love" friends like this too? We do not like to say we do, we say we " like" them.I have no idea, perhaps my readers can tell me about it. I have been disturbed at work, at this new trend of harassing female officers by some male superiors. I had four females working under me, and saw this trend and did not like it. I have had this experience once in my life but I withstood it well thank god. The only thing to do in such circumstances is fight it and tell people around you that it is happening. This is the only way to fight any kind of abuse. Disclosure makes the culprit stop super quick. Best of luck to my juniors coz females have finally arrived in the civil service, and nobody can hinder their path to glory. Au Revoir.

Faith

Faith in God, in a higher power, has always been one of the few constants of my life. Somehow, for all the radical literature and philosophies I read, for all the realities and injustices I have witnessed in my life and career, I think I have been lucky that none could shake my absolute belief in God. I somehow never doubted the existence and power of God, though many of my friends do. All the things I couldn't understand about life and why it was going in a certain direction, made me subscribe to the ancient view of the Greeks that there is a divine design, but mostly we cannot understand it and perhaps do so after it has manifested itself in our lives. All that I read and saw, just added to my belief and provided more explanations and proof of the divine will. Infact, as Hazrat Ali said,one recognizes God through the failure of ones plans . Most of us , in this day and age, think that we can do whatever we plan. Indeed, this confidence is necessary for achievement. But many of us think that we can do anything to get whatever we want, however base. But we find so many times that life has a way of going terribly wrong and throws all our careful plans in a tizzy. That, to me , is the hand of God which ensures balance and justice in this world. Through trial and error, we find that the best course of action is to try for what you want, but not to stoop to levels below your dignity for it, nor be unjust, that is the only way to sustain your good luck. If one believes in God, there is nothing in the world which is worth having, if one compromises on ones dignity and beliefs. In the long run, all the wickedness, all the effort in the pursuit of things comes to nothing. Part of faith is also standing up for what you believe in. If you don't, you are diminished as a human being. Compromises lead to more compromises and even more weakness. To me, honesty is being true to your values and also holding on to them. If one doesn't hold fast, there is no end to weakness and exploitation . I do not agree with the eastern doctrine of completely submitting to the will of other human beings, be it a pir, mawlana, or superior. god made us all equal, and complete submission is only for him.no human being is master of our fate. god is. We all have our own, private and unique relationship with him.In public life and even otherwise, especially being a woman, one becomes the target of all sorts of malicious propaganda, and people superimpose their own fantasies and theories on me, especially when one does not try to project some carefully crafted image of oneself. It is painful, but always inspires me to keep even stronger hold on my values. I am alive, at peace and successful, not through people but through the help of God himself. So I owe explanations only to Him.Thankfully, he is not as judgmental or unforgiving as humans, that is why so many of us are still surviving. If God has created people differently, we must also try to accept people as they are, not judge them. We cannot permit injustice between people, or allow people to harm others, but that is as far as we can go. It is not for us to judge others or their actions,God is there. It is for us to expect and hope for justice and truth to prevail. We are only unknowing instruments of Gods will. We all have failings. Believing in Gods mercy and our ability to overcome our failings is to me, faith.

A quiet evening Alone

Umar khayyam said, " a cup of wine, a loaf of bread, and Thou". Or something to this effect. To the civil servant careering after floods, disasters and diseases, or the mother chasing after kids ,a quiet evening alone is often a luxury. Tonight is such a luxurious one. However, the company of a loved one is not available today. Some people are afraid to be alone. I was a late child, my parents were too caught up in their mid life duties by then and my siblings were too old to give me commpany.So I developed the hobbies of a solitary child, reading, drawing, movies and music, and later painting and landscaping gardens,and ofcourse, cooking and experimenting with nearly all the major cuisines of the world. when I had a home of my own, I also indulged my love of the arts with a piano and interior decorating. Thus solitude has always been a welcome friend. I have always loved the feeling of touch, taste,smells and colours.I surround myself with them. Tonight it is too late to cook, so I settle for a leisurely bath with lavender incense. Its my favourite and infinitely relaxing. I even gift lavender products to my loved ones, so that i smell it on them when i snuggle up or hug them. My little Siamese, she is called margot by the way, follows me to every place in the house, trying to snuggle with me in the shape of a ball whenever I sit down. I bought flowers on my way home, and I listen to Chitra Singh as I arrange tuberoses , lillies, gladioli, and hothouse chrysanthemums in various vases around the house. Tonight i feel like doing more than read or watch tv..my cat walks on the piano and I think of playing it. Chopin? or no, lets try Mozart. One of my friends found a Mozart music book in London for me on a holiday, for which I am grateful. It is Requiem II. I play it slowly, looking for guidance at every note from the book. It is a melancholy number, which always reminds me of the highs and pitfalls of life. All art, Wilde said,is ultimately useless, but that is not true..it is art which enhances the ability of every individual to feel and empathise with others, to break the shell of our egos and make us think of things that are beyond our own selves..There is so much self righteousness in our society and growing every day it seems, these people think they have the answer to every ill, but their solutions are usually the "why dont they eat cake" ones espoused by Marie Antoinette, a few months before she was beheaded. These days people shun forms of art, many times confused if it is islamic enough or not. If it is not provocative, how can a thing of beauty be obscene or unislamic? With these thoughts i stop playing and and go up to settle into my red nest, where time stands still. If for the moment someone is away, the imagination fills the gaps with memories of togetherness, with a promise for tomorrow. Faith, and trust, keep my rambling heart firmly in someones coat pocket, which im sure is still smelling of my favourite perfume. I love this smell on my heart.

Blankness

The past events in my country, Pakistan, have left me emotionally and mentally in a state of blankness which perhaps is the next stage after numbness. After pain, after disgust, after anguish, numbness , now I just feel blank. I was born in the seventies and one of my first memories is hearing my sister going around the house with a newspaper in hand, calling out, Bhutto has been hanged. I was a small girl when I heard on tv that zia ul haq had yet again dissolved the assemblies. I was a young Assistant Commissioner who was heartbroken when Benazir was murdered and went to office the next day through roads scattered with burning tyres and protestors. She was my idol, I was a great fan. And after her death I read her book, Reconciliation, and was amazed at the wisdom of the doctrine of the political parties who chose to forego their very real and fundamental differences to strengthen democracy through the charter of democracy. The Doctrine of Reconciliation is, in my opinion, the most important political fundamental of our country after the Constitution of Pakistan. It is to democracy what the doctrine of necessity is, to dictators. Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is one of the signatories of the charter of democracy. Those who compelled him to look towards the armed forces for reconciliation in the present crisis have done a great wrong to him and the country. Hopefully he will recover this slip. But I wonder if we will recover if our country's democratic forces let darkness engulf them? I support the right of parties and individuals to demonstrate and demand what is their right. But will the rigidity of personalities bring us to this impasse? The government should not hold back decisions it has to take which are it's duty to take. They should not be in response to any demands. If it had done so earlier, things would not come to this. Yet is power more important to both sides than right or wrong? It is the willingness to do what is right which makes a statesman, imran khan would do well to read about Gladstone, British Prime Minister, who stood fast on whist he believed in, even if it broke his party . His belief was that the Irish deserve to be free. It was political suicide for him they said, but he did it. Prime Minister should also ponder over this example and try to do what is right. Who will lead the nation when they themselves seem to have lost their way? I do not want to sermonize, I am happy that Pakistan Peoples Party is supporting democracy even though that was not what PML N did with them, but both Protestors and the government need to speak to each other again. That is the only way Pakistan can make it through this impasse.

Side effects of the Azadi March

Amid slogans and songs, containers, dancing and jeering crowds,the bold charge of Imran Khan into the uncertain and dangerous,has made for a riveting week for all Pakistanis, especially those glued to the TV like me. The media coverage was awesome, with drones adding a new dimension to the way we see demonstrations and events. Whether Khan succeeds or fails, what I liked about these events is that the man on the street has gone to the houses of the powerful and privileged , and demanded to be taken seriously. This New generation of Pakistani is no longer the cowering voter Of the old order who would be begging the chaudhry or the big gun of the area for justice as a favour, without raising his voice, and always mindful of past ehsaanaat of the village chaudhry. Unfortunately, this kind of old style politics still prevails outside the major cities of Pakistan,which are not many to begin with.In the last week, through the media, this country has witnessed a new,boisterous and irreverent Pakistan, which demands justice as a right rather than a one- off favour, and keeps it's humor intact despite the severe issues it is protesting, such as election rigging and murder of more than a dozen Pakistanis by a government. Through it's resilience, this crowd has forced an arrogant and disdainful government, whose cabinet members were spewing venom at it and aggrandizing it's imagined concessions to it, to treat it with respect, accept it's right to protest as citizens on any issue it wants to. In my opinion this in itself is a great achievement Of the Azadi March, even if it is a by product of it. What I found disconcerting was the attitude of the government, the contempt and disdain with which it's functionaries eyed the protestors at first. But the media, other political parties and even the armed forces compelled the government to Treat the crowd with respect, and finally the "mob" graduated to the level of protestors. But it took the extreme demand, the resignation of the PM, to get the attention of the government on two issues that are genuine, legal and the right of the protestors. Accountability of the killings in Model Town in June,and election rigging charges. Is it because PML N has become too comfortable with it's comfortable majority in parliament and considers itself invincible? I was shocked by the belligerence and Self righteousness of the govt members. Even if these were all misguided people asking for the moon, atleast their fundamental rights should have been recognized . It is really an old order clashing with a new one, old ways of behaving, perceiving and reacting, while the new generation is marching on regardless. It belongs to a different class from the voters of PML N, so it's responses are not recognizable by the party. This is not what PML N leadership is used to. It is used to being addressed as "Quaid e Muhtaram", not " Oye Nwaaz sharif"! In the red zone! But life, power, politics is strange. Power slips from ones hands like sand. It is definitely a wake up call for PML N mid term. It should keep things real, and not forget to eat humble pie once in a while. We are all humans, and in a democracy, leaders are only first among equals, and that's it. It would do well to recognize this fact and make changes in it's political philosophy. Whether the new order can Whether these people are weirdos, poor, rude, what they think and want should be a concern for the government, nt a condescending acknowledgement of concession that since" bacchian" were there, we let them in" when in reality, the governemnt could not afford to stop them by force.would it change the old way of perceiving the citizens of pakistan, is a question for future events. Change even in perception, is a value addition to society.

Options

"I am considering my options", have you discussed all the options?" " will discuss the options', "i had no other options". I think my readers can think of many other variations that i have missed here of the same question. What to do and what not to do. To be or not to be, what to be, what not to be. Every moment each human being is presented with so many options. So many vistas to choose from, and each path taken or not taken defines us and our life path. But are we really that free to choose, to exercise free will? Does life really gives us that many options? A friend once said to me, as i chafed at the inequalities and constriants of my life, " perhaps kulsume, life doesnt have as much to offer (as u expect).That made me wonder, do i really expect too much from life? i was born with an innate faith in God. it is fortunate that i have never doubted the presence or power of God. So, i said to myself, when i believe that God can do anything, then is it too much if i want or expect him to fulfill all my dreams and wishes, which i want sincerely and not at the expense of anybody else's happiness? Seemed fair enough.Life is strange. One has one's own agenda and but God has his own. So many options that are presented to us everyday seem like options because we never took them, as we could choose only one of many. And we look back and think, oh i could have done that too if i wanted to, but i didnt. i tried to do that but couldnt. if only... but only the spiritually enlightened know that at that moment in time, we had only one option. The one we TOOK. It was to be, and, is,perhaps, as it should be. However, i like to think that options that a person has are based on larger issues, and choices. Lets say I want to be a crook, i have the choice of becoming one of so many types of crooks. But I will only become the type which fate allows me to be. But since I wanted to be a crook more than anything else in the world, I will become one.That is how life balances Will and Fate. The values we carry and our larger dreams usually come true, but what shape and clothing they wear is determined by our circumstances. So my friend who wanted to become a Chairman of some orgsnization might not become one, but if he stands fast he will get recognition and fame and respect and perhaps a little more money, if he tries hard in that direction, and since these are his larger hopes and desires, thats good enough. Being the permanent optimist and believer in the correlation between human effort and divine help, I think we have always have the option to dream and aspire, to live according to our values and goals. We always have the option to refuse to do whats wrong and to do what is right, what our heart says is right. And that is enough choice. Keep expecting more and aspiring for more,nothing wrong with daring to dream. Our dreams have as mauch chance of coming true as not, so why not give them a try. One will never know if one never tries.Its not easy and gives us pain and pleasure,makes us insecure and scared at times, but life should not be lived in half measures. If we had all the answers at the outset, our life would be like a book whose last chapter we read even before starting its first. Where our choices take us is the beauty and mystery of life, which is beautiful despite its pathos and pain, and we are lucky to be alive.

Rights are ok, but what about responsibilities?

Complaining is the staple diet of many people around us. What the government could have done but didn't, what the others should have done, why don't they like me,nobody loves me enough, I'm so busy that I can't find time to do what I want, and the rest of the world is having a blast...what's so great about her that she got praised and I didn't? It seems that Pakistanis have made blame shifting, a permanent feature of their mental landscapes. It is everybody's fault but theirs. But somewhere, this attitude also denotes the sense of helplessness that all of us feel at how things are and why any of us are unable to do anything about it. Many of us who try to do the right thing have a feeling of acting in isolation and getting more and more distanced from those around us, and many of us fall in with the usual ways of our society just to identify and feel that we are not alone. Unfortunately, the fact that people are less and less certain of punishment for wrongdoing, makes it clearer to them that crime pays and it is ok to live selfishly, shirk personal and societal responsibility and to blame it all on some vague idea in the end: the system, the government, or ,well that is how it is. What many of us do not realise is that societies are based on individuals giving up some of their rights to secure collective rights, and these collective rights become the responsibilities of each individual living in a society. Due to lack of education, lack of social cohesiveness, we do not appreciate this. Therefore, we want our rights, but no responsibilities. One of the biggest reasons for lack of social cohesiveness is the lack of equality among us. The largest amount of population which resides in Punjab and Sindh provinces is still divided in castes, rural hegmonies and clans, with the same tendencies in its educated classes too. Though i admire the Pathans for their independence and egalitarian approach, tribal approaches still mar their relatively more egalitarian society. Blaming the government is good, but it is made up of people. One of the biggest failings of government as well as the educated class of Pakistan is to spread education and instruments of equality to the grassroots level. This collective failing has led to collective feelings of helplessness among those who want to do good. In the segment of society which can make the biggest difference, the middleclass, there is the most apathy, especially in the younger crowd which has led to spoofs like "Slackistan". The educated class and especially the younger crowd are underestimating their ability to make an impact. It is imperative that they realise their own responsibilities before asking the state to do everything. If we stand up for collective rights of freedom, equality and justice for each indiviual in society and also spread the word, it can make a difference.Guarding the rights of others and remembering our responsiblities is the only way to ensure our personal rights. We need to help others, not through charity, but by enabling them with the necessary awareness and tools to change their lives. If we do that, they will take care of the rest of their lives. The english speaking (and reading class )of Pakistan should stop thinking of the rest of pakistanis in the same terms as the colonials saw them, and called them the White Man's Burden. And for starters, just make sure that you are not impinging on anybody else's rights through your actions. Thats the easiest step which all of us can take. But only if we think about this in the first place.

Rememberence

What is the best way to remember somebody? This has been on my mind for some time.. how does one remember them when loved ones are not with one, and sometimes one has very little or no hope of meeting again? Perhaps One could start by the features one loved best, the eyes, the hair colour and texture, the smile, the voice, and perhaps even fragrance. The infectious laugh of a dear friend, eyes crinkling up in the sheer joy of living..then the thoughts and words we shared, and sometimes even the songs we sang, the plans made excitedly , many that saw the light of day, and many more that didnt.. To be human is to be ephemeral, and the frailties that accompany our humanness,endear us even more to kindred spirits. We plan ahead, we think , we strategize, and do cost benefit analyses. yet life is happening to us all this while, and flows on its own path. When its path meets our plans, we call ourselves successful, smart, visionary even. Along this path we meet others like us, and some become the mirrors of our souls.. and being with them makes us feel joyful,complete, strong. And it is not only the good qualities that make two people identify with each other, but also the bad ones, the eccentricities, the quirks which nobody else understands, but in the eyes of a loved one it reflects amusement, humour, understanding. One way to remember a loved one could be through his quirks, the traits that set him apart from others but were similar to you, his habits which nobody else liked but was absolutely fine by you. It sounds almost cliched to say that you love somebody because of what he makes you through his company,but im sure it has happened to all of us that we become different people depending on who we are interacting. The same person can be a saint with one person but a sinner with another. Just depends on what qualities resonate between two people, what is brought out in both wthrough intercation. Friends and most loved ones, not all, make us feel on top of our game, better about ourselves, and full of hope and dreams. With their support and mere presence we can have the courage to look ahead, to be brave and aspire for more than we had in the past. These feelings are only the reflection of the good opinion they have of u, or the good opinion u have of them. If you dont feel good with somebody, I suggest you revisit your relationship or its complexion, perhaps it is not what you think it was. But i know that with each of my loved ones and friends, I feel differently, and all in positive ways. And the one i feel best with, is the one i love the best. The one I want to meet, or would want to meet with the dawn of each new day. Recalling the feeling that you get when u see each other, that is the best form of remembering.

Divinity

I grew up in a regimented lifestyle, with very clear dos and donts, yes and nos, hierarchy and discipline. Most of my generation did . As a member of the civil service i still work in a very regimented system. We are taught certain things as children, and we learn to judge others very early in life through these standards and also define our own course in life according to these beliefs and suppositions. Yet there comes a time when one, through the course of one's life, stops and asks himself/herself, are my beliefs correct? does following my values really pay? Is this the path to a fulfilling life? some find answers, some dont, and a few never ask these questions in the first place. But while we theorize and find answers, the universe, living, breathing around us, seems to follow a different course and does not work how we thought. I was trained to believe that mistakes are punished and people should pay for them. But i have seen that happiness belongs to the ones who forgive, who let go, who let others decide things for themselves,not those who set out to punish others. It is said that to forgive is divine.But to forgive is to me the ability to acknowledge the superiority of the divine power to punish and do justice, and forego it ourselves. It is true that people who sin are punished, but it is only for God to decide to punish them, and for what and how much, not human beings. And no human being can punish someebody the way God can. So leave it to God and behold his justice. We think that the more we hold on to things the better we can possses them.Yet nothing could be farther from the truth. Love is a flower which needs nurtutring, but gets crushed when held in hand, or if tinkered with too much. The same is with our possessions.The more you run after them, the more you lose control of things. To accumulate is good, but it is a silent principle of the universe that only those are given in abundance, who share their good fortune with others, who use thier possessions and positions to help others. The more you give, the more you receive. I believe in it. Possessions come and go, but who you are and what you stand for, is what defines you, and as Robert Frost said, makes all the difference in your life path. And the more you forgive, the more you accept and love others as they are, and not try to control them, the happier you are, and much more loved. We all want love and acceptance, how can we receive it if we are not willing to give? I see people who are really unhappy and frustrated because they want to control others,to do their bidding. they want to be smart, they want to befool them into submission. it works for a while, and after that, one just ends up angry when ones ploys fail. People who aim to control others, often forget, that there is a hand of God, which thwarts their machinations and creates balance in the world. Because God belongs to every one, even one's enemies, and listens to their prayers too,so does justice. This is how I came to realize the existence of a living Divine power, much higher than all our designs and expectations, and to live in harmony with divinity is what gives us lasting peace.

Forgiveness

I cannot push back from my mind the terrible killing the other day In Sialkot of a couple who had married for love, by the relatives of the girl. Much has been written and said about honor killing and the feudal mindset, but it is not only the feudal who do this, it has to do with the basic perception of our society about a woman. She is still not considered a person, but rather a thing or possession to be owned and governed, a perpetual dependent who naturally does not have a say, an opinion , much less feelings or desires. The best woman in our traditional perception is one who doesn't talk back, and if doesn't speak at all , all the better. While this might be the case in a marital relationship, where a woman might want to acquiesce to the man occasionally, this perception is there in every relationship Or interaction between a man and a woman, Taken as a given by most men. Even men on the street, bosses in offices And even subordinates want women to adhere to them, not because of any quality of thought and mind but only because of their fortune of being a man. In this context, naturally a woman or girl who not only has a choice but also brave enough to take that choice is considered a source of shame. It is the jibes of society which drive a family to kill their flesh and blood, even if she had done something which was legal and her right under law and religion. This is the hypocrisy that engulfs us, if she had married the family's choice and taken a lover on the side, nobody would have minded as long as it remained hidden. Men in our society regularly marry for money thinking they will enjoy themselves on the side all along to fulfill their desire for a better mate. Such unfaithfulness is perfectly acceptable to us, but not somebody who decides to be honest to oneself and do the right thing. The concept of right and wrong is terribly skewed. They say marriages are made in heaven, but here they are made under cold calculations of profit and loss, in terms of trophies and Status symbols. True marriage is the marriage of the heart, when one heart recognizes the other as the One, and the only. Antoine d Saint Exupery wrote, true love is visible, not to the eyes, but to the heart, for eyes may be deceived . What did the murderers understand of what the lovers saw in each other. They could not see because they were blinded by material things. We the society need to give the womenfolk a new social contract. We need to help them become independent in mind and financially, only then can they shrug off these shackles and learn to live like persons, not objects or possessions.

Young and beautiful

Listening today to "young and beautiful" by Lana De La Ray, one of my favourite songs.It makes me wonder if there is anything called true love after all, the way we were taught it is when we were children...true love is unselfish , it is brave, it is not based on material things, and, it is forever. This concept of forever has been blown away by modern life, when we are living lives that only sustain strips n snippets of people we love and like.but is it still possible to love unselfishly and love without consideration of looks, age, appearance? These days even bank balance is a great aphrodisiac, so why blame men when they run after bone structure, hair colour, size, etc ? I used to believe that true love must be out there but not happened to me.. But love is what happens to one when one is making other plans. The first time I realized I was in love was when I experienced near physical pain at the possibility of being away from him. And in a few days it was all over, all my defences gone, my ego taking a hike, my pride melted away into the warm emotions welling up in my heart. And it has never left me. Why I don't Mind the imperfections of heart and mind which I can see with my eyes and recognize with my brains, I don't know. I just know it is joy to be in the same room even, it is peace to smile at and be smiled at, it is oneness to speak to and to hear, it is losing which makes one treasure most. And to meet is to be alive, it is pain if the other is in pain, and joy if one sees joy in their eyes. And not being with me is still being with me. I guess I cannot diagnose it scientifically, I can only feel.How is it that two people can be so similar and feel the other can't do wrong is unexplainable, honestly. I say,whatever feels wrong with others feels right with u, and never felt so right. And the pain still stays with me, but I prefer it to all other pleasure . How come all my friends can't talk me out of it is another mystery. So I guess, if I feel this way, if the passing years don't matter, maybe I can be lucky and he feels the same about me? Seems to, and it's true that true love is felt in actions rather than in words..but to be on the safe side I would try to continue being beautiful, if can't hold on to youth... but no, it is the heart that loves the other heart, not the body.. And , it is , sadly for some, forever, if it is true..but would I have it any other way? The answer, as u say, is a big no.

Fear is only a state of Mind

The summer of discontent has started in earnest, it seems. The wandering mind seeks cool dark places to lie down and reminisce, meditate and commiserate with itself of all the confusions, inconsistencies, the questions that arise and are suppressed in one's mind..yet one always crops up. Everywhere i go , I see and feel guilt, self criticism and negativity. be it in our professional lives or personal lives, there is inability to even imagine good things happening, achievement of goals, and this fear, so much fear of others finding and ruining our chances, our success, our good fortune. This fear and insecurity gnaws at our society, controlling and dictating our actions. We hide our real thoughts, settling for platitudes instead in company, afraid to stand out, be different, to hear our voices rise above the usual buzz of familiar chit chat and time worn topics. It is perhaps the natural reaction to the history of this land. The city of Lahore has seen many devastations and carnages, and has learnt to adapt, to accept, to pay homage to whoever is at the zenith of power. The tendency is to do well for yourself and not even dream of sticking your neck out for what you believe in. If you believe in anything in the first place.Self preservation is supreme. I wonder sometimes, looking at the reactions of the people around me and the screaming silence, the utter lack of outrage at things that we should be outraged at. Despite generations of conditioning and nurture, some conscience remains in our hearts, this inability to condemn openly and failure to suppress decisively has turned us into a nation of self condemners, hating ourselves for our weakness but still going on at the same path. But the ties that bind our minds are only in our mind. Fear is only a state of mind. Now more than ever is the need to stand up for things higher than ourselves, which are right for the collective good. One has to sacrifice personal safety, comfort, and benefits for the collective good. But the strength to do so only comes from belief,from faith in what is right. Many times I feared to move forward on things which i believed were right, in the fear that what might happen, but the unknown is always more fearsome than going ahead and knowing whats out there. sometimes i faltered, sometimes i moved ahead, but moving ahead told me that most of my fears were only imagined. If I believed strongly in something, moving forward always found me vistas to reach my goal. Fear melted away when faced with willpower. I believe that the only way open to us collectively and individually, in order to lead a positive, happy and dignified life, is to go on the path of what we believe in, and fears, known and unknown, will melt away. Compromise wins us not peace but stalemate. Doing what we wish and believe in, is what brings happiness and peace.

Am I alone?

There is no clock in my bedroom. I cannot feel the time pass here. In the dim warm light of red and white and earth hues, I am alone with your thoughts, your images, your words and your dreams. I am alone here . Yet all the creases of the bed,the fall of the curtain, the walls the hearth envelop you in them, though you have never been here . My thoughts, my feelings, my action, they all belong to you. You live inside me as a living, breathing being. I don't know if you are a being or an emotion, but never for a moment am I without you. You are so so far away. I am busy, and you even more so...I love my work, and so do you...yet i feel hollow when I don't hear your voice plaintively asking me to tell you about my day, there is love here...in this Age of frenzied activity and virtual communication, we are bound in our lives and living with each other through these gadgets, these toys that we have. My heart doesnt ask me why, what, how. When it comes to you, it just Is. I just know that you will make it happen, that i can count on you whether near or far.And that is no small comfort because..you are an oasis of peace in my splintered existence..your warmth makes me forget my fears, my self doubt and My inhibitions(not that I have many), your smile makes me believe again that there is goodness in this world. Despite everything, despite everybody. And it is not tinplate, it's gold. And for me, it is enough.Enough for me to close my eyes and look forward to another day.

Thoughts on the struggle for Change

The law locks up the hapless felon who steals the goose from off the common, but lets the greater felon loose who steals the common from the goose. ANONYMOUS, ENGLAND,1821 Society tells us what to do and what not to do. The State also tells us what to do and what not to do. but who is the state and society telling all this..the ones who are rich and powerful, or the ones who has nobody to turn to, the one who has only his own blood and toil to rely upon, to feed himself or herself and their family? it is said that law is made by a set of individuals to control another, perhaps larger set of individuals and gain power over them. it is also said that law is not equal for everybody. it is different for the rich and different for the poor. In the Middle Ages it was true for all countries.. yet democracy and its champions in various lands and those who struggled and laid down their lives for ideals higher and greater than themselves, felt proud that one of the greatest achievements of democracy is to have lessened this disparity. the ideal of democracy is equality of all people, the common dignity of all people, and equal access to justice for all people of a society and nation. However, we in our land of the pure live in a clime of holy cows, of ruling groups and and elite clubs.We are, as i have said before, a nation of experts in lip service. perhaps lip service is somewhere ingrained in our minds as Farz e Kifaya for all the actions not acted upon, things which we should have done but did not do, out of laziness, lack of confidence, selfish interests or in the abuse of power. Self interest takes precedence over belief, over faith, over values. the power to do the right thing dissolves into the melting pot overlaid with selfish considerations. Why is that, are we different from other nations in this? no, we are only failing because we are approaching the problem in a wrong manner. we are placing too great a premium in the ability of the individual to withstand social pressure. we propose placebo solutions to social ills. Prayer, and no action. shifting the blame to God. it isn't that I doubt His Power, but am i not his viceregent to do his work? It is unfortunate that we don't talk about it, so afraid are we to break stereotypical ideas, but the truth is that belief is not as strong in its pull as self interest. Just saying to somebody that do the right thing is'nt enough.We need to support and join hands with like minded persons and support them against the hegemony of the status quo, be it the establishment, the elite, the religious establishment. Those who support democracy and democratic mores need to stand by each other, and help each other sustain the scorn, the victimization, the defamation which is piled by the minions of status quo upon people who want to see change in this society. It is easy to steal a goose from the common like a common felon, but let not the pioneers of change be like felons. it takes a herculean effort to take back the common from the ones who took it away. we can, but together.

About Being Different

In the last week, some people were astonished at my views. Perhaps they do not conform to the stereotyped image of me. But then, I am no stranger to being different, the odd one out. I'm used to it. It all started with me being a leftie. Being southpaws attracted attention since school, and still does. One of my islamiyat teachers lectured me about it being sinful to use my left hand and I thought, then has God sinned by creating me this way? This was one of the things pointed out by my father in law when I got married. It was then I first realized I had married wrongly. But this state of being different went on. I was brought up at par with my brother, encouraged by my father to think for myself and question ideas that we take as givens in our society. I got married and then started studying again, became a civil servant after becoming the mother of a child, topped my batch and became ok with being the lone woman in the room in most work situations. Now i dont even notice gender. Slowly my feeling of being different changed into a lifestyle. My reasons for joining public serv ice were also sadly different. I wanted to do good, help people and devote my life to helping others by using my power and position. I have fallen over many times trying to do and say what I think and feel is right. But God has always given me my feet back. I chose to be out of a relationship which could only continue through hypocrisy, rather than hang on. That is also called different around here. So, I am used to being the different one. But that has made me bolder, stronger and more certain of my ideas and ideals. Opposition has made me aware of how one becomes a threat by being different and believing in new ideas and having the courage to act on them . I am the outsider looking into the system. Social change is imminent. We cannot blame the rot on any one segment, each reflects the tendencies of our social mores. Lots of people among us say that we need a different way of thinking and acting as a society. But we are reluctant to apply these ideas to our own lives. Our lives are mired in hypocrisy where paying lip service is not only enough, it's the done thing. The first step to a new life pattern is to stop lying to oneself. For me this is always a good start, and plus it is different, and takes you down new vistas forever.Helps to stop lying to others too ! Where is the harm in that...

Can we have a little life please?

I have often wondered, why people around me, normal people, are so listless, so without initiative,drive,verve, spark, whatever you may call it.And this is true of all, those who lead a privileged life, and those who do not.Listlessness is a cross cutting feature of Pakistani people.Most are unenthusiastic about their work, about their personal life, even their engagement with life. True, money is an enabling factor in many cases but I have mostly seen money as a corruptor of values. It is so easy to fall into the trap of conspicuous consumption where the more u spend, the emptier u feel inside. Or to get into the rut of living to earn money and more money. But it is life without meaning that kills one's drive to get up in the morning and do something.How many of us ask themselves what do we live for? If i were cynical i would say we try not to think because it would make us more depressed to enumerate our reasons for living. But then, how can a society, where the decisions of a person's life is taken through family panchayats, have verve? where an individuals life is the business of the whole family, friends, neighbourhood and even foes? we have been conditioned to believe that we must please others at any cost. One is considered good when one gives up his or her right to live life as he/she believes, and lives the way others want. It is called living for others. Apne aap ko mitana..especially true for women. In a society without personal freedom , people feel that each day of their life will dawn exactly like the last; like how others want it to dawn. Then why make any effort to change things at work either? we are so used to compromise that we forget to have opinions, much less to air them. A person who speaks his/her mind is an anomaly,not a team player, ill mannered and so on.This is true even in the professional sphere. It all stems from our families where discussion and difference of opinion is discouraged. Respect is good but surely not at the cost of stifling one's own individuality? it makes an individual lose confidence in his ability to change anything within or without. I say, dare to dissent. It is healthier and natural. and the more you do so, the more confidence you will gain.One must have opinions and the confidence to live ones beliefs, not only mouth them. for Pakistanis, Changing our own self is the road to changing our life and soci ety.It is not guns and doles that we need, we need social change to get ahead. All of us must recognize this fact.

Was gone for a long while. reason: took the plunge of going into the fray, the sea of people, the common man. the place where i am the happiest and which i was away from for the last five years. The children are old enough, and i have emerged finally from my personal grief, if not unscathed, atleast intact. i am proud to be a public servant, and have gone to what bureaucrats fondly call the field. I joined civil service with a lot of idealism, because i wanted to make a difference for my people, and believed that those of us, who are born to a privileged life as i was, should not live selfishly but try to give of themselves to those common people who have nobody to rely on but themselves. that in my opinion is what public servants are there for. People have asked me many times who i have loved most. i have loved, and once perhaps a bit too much,with fleeting joy and lasting pain, but there is nobody i have loved more than my work, because it gives me the chance to be with other human beings and to help them. Perhaps it sounds cliched, n so many talk about helping the poor, the commoner,that perhaps it is a bit, but i would never leave my work . For anybody. it makes me happy because i can do good through my work, and i would never want to let go of the personal freedom it gives me: the freedom to choose who i am, the freedom to be what i am, rather than what others would have me be. Work keeps me occupied but happy, but i return again to writing, because it reminds me that i have a voice which can be and is heard. My beloved mentor, the one i learnt most of my own self from,who is so much like me, gave me this gift of voice, made me believe in myself. so what if my idealism is smashed each day by the machinations of my peers and the realities of public life in Pakistan, it shines at me again and again when i am able to help somebody , when i see the difference i make each day. There is lasting joy here.