Love Is

When I was a young girl, I read somewhere that Love is not only looking at each other, love is looking together in the same direction. I thought this must be true, seemed like a reasonable definition of similar dispositions enjoying a quiet life together, looking in the same directions, having the same world view and plans for the future, and living together because they are no conflicts. All my life I looked for this kind of an understanding, and in the process, made lots of friends. Because, this approach makes friends, and friendships have all these ingredients: they have fun together too. But friendship is not love. Whatever people say, friendship is NOT love. Somebody was saying love is friendship set on fire. I was forced to discard this mumbo jumbo when I fell in love a few years ago. And now all I can say is, you are lucky if you can be friends with your love, but you can love somebody more than life itself and not be friends with him. So I have clarified what love isn't.  More difficult to define what love actually is.

Love is basic,love is instinctual, love is primal. It has to do with skin, smell, taste,chemistry, heartbeat going at 100 miles an hour when you see or touch each other. It has to do with wanting to be around that person all the time, seeing each other every day, hearing his voice in the silence of your loneliness, imagining his touch and not wanting to be touched by any other, even if he cannot . It is feeling as if there is no difference between your body and his, feeling as if he belongs only and only to you, whether he has given you this right or not. Love does not wait for permissions, It swoops and takes hold of you, and makes you do unimaginable things to be with the one you love. It makes you drive to where he is when you cannot even walk. It is the feeling of murderous rage at even the thought of him or her being or even wanting to be with somebody other than you. None of it is explained, none of it has a reason. The only reason is that you love him or her.
Love is the feeling that you cannot go on without your beloved. It is the feeling that tells you that everything is incomplete without that person. Friendship blossoms when you are similar and have similar goals, but love makes you want to change to be what your beloved likes you to be. It is wanting everything he wants, being everything he wants, and being happiest when you fulfill any wish or desire that he has, and to see him or her happy, glowing and satisfied with you, and holding you in good esteem. All you want to see is love in the eyes of your beloved for you, and you need the love and support of your beloved at each step you take, every endeavour you make in life , in things that are important to you. And you think the world of your beloved, in your eyes he can do no wrong, even if he does, it doesn't seem that wrong!
It is anger too, when attention and affection are denied, if he or she questions why you seem to think they belong to you. It takes the form of fights and tiffs if you cannot spend as much time with each other as you like, or you feel you cannot do enough to make your beloved happy.  You so want to make each other happy it makes you cry when you can't. Because. What makes her happy makes you happy too. You will steal, you will lie, you will take risks, because ...you cannot live without each other.
If you cannot identify with the above, you are not in love with the person you are with. If you can, this is what love is. Enjoy and try to make it last. It is more important than anything you have or can hope to achieve in life. It is worth that much.

Distance & Despair

In recent years suicides are being reported more and more in the media. It usually used to be men and women resorting to suicide due to financial problems and poverty. While it was a vivid reflection on the inadequacy of our economic system to provide enough opportunities for livelihood to our poor, it was only an indicator of poverty leading to despair and suicide. In recent days and months , however, incidents of suicide of young boys and girls, teenagers to be precise, are being reported, which is an alarming indicator of a deteriorating society. The overwhelming reason for these suicide is distance, alienation and pressure from their own parents, their own families. For me, economic or administrative problems, are less dangerous. they can be checked by the government or non government organizations, but problems that have to do with the society are deeper, more pervasive, and more dangerous to our collective well being. The crumbling relationships between children and parents in our society, is a fast creeping illness that is rotting our social structure.
Earlier in older times, few people left the social structure or did anything which was an anomaly to it, the men enjoying more freedom in their actions but still bound by social norms. The generations in the 70s and my generation who grew up in the 90s, were exposed to different thoughts and possibilities for alternate lifestyles. But the Millennium Children are exposed more and more to western ways of behaviour, and are encouraged to think and question what their parents want them to do and how they want to behave. The parents themselves are now caught between the new and the old, and feel pressured to be the symbols of values that they felt their parents to be, but unable to be such paragons and unable to transfer those values to their kids because they themselves have confused views of these and their own roles. They do not have the lifestyles their own parents had so the kids are emulating different models. The parents don't like how their children are behaving by emulating them. The kids want discussion. The parents don't feel bound to do so under traditional norms But have no choice due to the newfound freedoms and exposure that cannot be denied to kids now. The parents do not want to qualify their actions to their children. They don't want to recognize that their children are individuals and have their own rights and problems of their generations and they might need to discuss these with their parents. They do not want to recognize that their children view themselves through the lens of their parents opinion of them, and their words, and need to know that they are loved and accepted with all their shortcomings. And the parents feel justified not to recognize this. Their parents never did all that. So they themselves have no example to follow in such situations. They simply don't know how to let down their guard and engage their kids on a human level. So the distance grows each day, and the despair of the teenager, going through the sensitive years of identity crisis, grows deeper. It is this disconnect which leads parents of suicides to declare that their children have not killed themselves, it is an accident or a murder. Even in death, they remain in denial of how their child felt. And their own role in pushing him off the brink.How could he kill himself? I gave him everything. The new paradigm of materialism which has creeped into our relationships. What we don't realize is that Things never make up for love, they can only compensate for a time. The present crisis is of today's parents more than their children. They need to break free of this tussle between the old and the new, select a way of life, and be the example that their children can emulate. Accept their shortcomings, and feel them your own so that they can accept them.The distance between God and Man is impossible, who loves us more that 70 mothers. the closeness between the parent and child, should atleast be one seventieth of this closeness. The love of one mother atleast.

Understanding

I have been away for nearly a month. I was ill and therefore distracted.Could not get to write what I am writing today, though i have been thinking about it in bits and pieces for the past month. Perhaps my illness has given me more food for my thoughts in a way. They say that the secret of a happy relationship is understanding. Love, attraction,faithfulness, mutual trust and compassion cannot sustain without this crucial ingredient. Perhaps. Love and attraction, in my experience, can exist without any of the above feelings. But the rest are the result of understanding. It is true that one tries to make an effort in a relationship when one is in love and attracted, but unless there is trust and respect in a relationship, it cannot last. And of course trust and respect comes if you understand each other, your personalities, your quirks, your limits and your temperaments, and know in your hearts that you like each others traits and beliefs and identify with each other.
 Opposites attract in many cases, but basic similarities in natures are important for understanding and adjustment. This creates trust, respect, belief in each other and a willingness to accommodate each other, to share and support each other to achieve separate and mutual dreams and goals, and mutual forgiveness. True understanding is to understand that we are both human with shortcomings, and to keep forgiving each other when we might fall short of each other's expectations.
When a relationship starts, the man wants to impress a woman, and to keep her impressed as long as he can. A woman wants to bedazzle and bewitch a man, and keep him besotted as long as she can. The man wants to keep seeing the admiration in a woman's eyes that he saw at the outset when he first caught her attention, and the woman wants to keep seeing the lovestruck look in his eyes when he first saw her. It is possible to continue it, but as an affair turns into a relationship and perhaps a marriage, the wear and tear of events that you face together, the good times and the bad that you see, dampen the ardor, the magic, the thrill of romance. The mundane takes over, leaving little time for intimacy and excitement. With understanding, with forgiveness and acceptance of each other's natures, and trust , is the only way the woman keeps believing her man is the hero she fell in love with, because however much h he tries to be the superman he wants to be in her eyes, he is human, and cannot win every battle, pass every test, cater to every whim of hers. But if she understands that he tried, if she knows in her heart that he loves her, if she sees that he wants her and cares for her, he will remain a hero in her eyes, the one she first thought was her brave superman. And if, while he might have gotten used to her beauty which might be fading a bit with time, her love and commitment to him and what he holds dear will still make him want her, and cherish her for the affection and happiness that she brings to his life.
 Attraction and love are of course the basic ingredient of the relationship, but understanding and mutual forgiveness , and belief in each other, can make even each other's presence enough to rejuvenate and heal, as no medicines can. Few words are required, because the heart knows, and does not require explanations.

Territories

Human beings are only vessels. Flesh and blood. We ascertain our worth by what we own. What we achieve, what others appreciate us for. In our society, that is Pakistan, as in every inward looking society, we have a habit to hang on to things, to people, to our jobs, to our areas, we have difficulty moving from place to place, from work to work. It has a lot to do with how we are brought up. Ours is a society which thrives on the status quo. Where nothing happens. We are bred to hang on to things. This attitude reflects in our work ethic also. But more importantly, it is because we are insecure. Now who is insecure? the person who knows that he or she got things the wrong way. So they want to keep these things the wrong way too. In our society, things are crooked. The system does not facilitate progression through the right means. People in our country perceive that they will not be able to achieve things by sheer dint of hard work. They know that they will have to have"other" qualifications for the job, be it personal contacts, bribes, or any other thing. In a fair system, a person knows that if he or she does not get one good opportunity, they will get another. So there is no hanging on to things. But in an unfair system, they do not want to let go of the foothold that they have been able to get, because they are not sure whether they can manage other opportunities. So we see more politics than work in our offices, we see more feuds and conspiracies in families, and we see the inability to give up the personal good for the benefit of the greater good. This is because sacrifice is demanded of others, but not given ourselves when others demand it. Yet most of us do not realize that there is a higher power than us, which is God. We like to think that we can control outcomes, we can control others, we can destroy others. But many times, God gives the victims of our wrath better opportunities, better people, better lives, especially because they were conspired against, cheated, deceived and let down. But ultimate outcomes are not decided by us, things can and do go terribly wrong and we get trapped in the webs that we have spun for others. God is indeed the greatest conspirator of all. Territorial tendencies can only change if we start doing the right thing and being fair to others. This is especially true in public life. If people at the helm of affairs ensure FairPlay and transparency, territorial behavior will give way to acceptance of reform. By doing the right thing, we can convince others to follow and agree. If we as a society refuse to do that, individuals will continue to feel insecure and will endeavour to hang on to what they have by hook or crook. As long as the vessel holds, so does the desire to hold fast.

On the Birthday of the Prophet of Islam ( PBUH)

On the day the one who was declared rehemat ul Aalimeen by God himself, no other thought can be of anything else. Mercy, benevolence, Ehsan, which means favourite to others, charity,fairmindedness, and forgiveness even to the bitterest enemies are the qualities of the Prophet of Islam, Hazrat Muhammad. On his birthday, it seems sad that in the perception of many, his religion has become one of violence, vengeance , self righteousness and intolerance. It is amazing what muslims have made out of his teachings. Perhaps that is the result of illiteracy and poverty among the majority of Muslims in the world today .But then it is all the more a responsibility of educated Muslims to teach our children about the true spitit of Islam embodied by the prophet's personality. I named my only son Muhammad, because I thought that no name can be better than this name. Nobody could oppose our choice this time, but we got lots of criticism that naming the boy muhammad is a sort of disrespect , because when you will scold the boy, you will disrespect the name of the Prophet. I feel this response signifies muslims attitude towards the Prophet and their religion. Keep the Quran at a high place in silken covering and never open it or read it, so that no disrespect is made. What we forget is that religion and the Prophet are supposed to be close to us, part of our souls, as close to us as life is in our bodies.God is part of our bodies and souls. So why should we put it away, refrain from taking his name, lest we disrespect? This attitude has taken us away from God and the Prophet and we treat it as something separate from our usual life. That is not how it is meant to be. Educated Muslims like me, those who got a western education and had liberal upringing tend to gravitate towards western values. Yet it is possible to be liberal and embrace the teachings of Islam. The mistake is that we are taught that for is important. We wear turbans and other accouterments which is simply missing the point. What we need is to understand and follow the spirit of Islam embodied by the values of the prophet, not conform to traditions. Emulation of dress is good but the real issue is carrying his message and values forward. Charity has no shape, kindness has no form. Helping others is a feeling, and forgiveness has no procedure. It is relevant and acceptable to God in any outer form. We do not teach this to our children and only teach them rituals. They stand in milads and fatehas not realising that this is to be shared with others and why that is. For me, the best way to celebrate the prophet's birthday is to help others, give charity and be kind to people.If we can help somebody or forgive them on his birthday , and try to be more like him not in dress but in qualities, that is the kind of gift he would like from us today.

Compliments

Each time anybody gives me a compliment, I can have a variety of feelings. I can like it, I can dislike it. I can be elated, I can feel embarrassed or irritated. Or it might just make my day. It all depends on who said it, and how. All of us go through this gamut of feelings at different times, but we all like compliments. Why do we, by the way? I have often wondered why not do away with these niceties which waste our time and don't let us get to the point. A person as impatient as me would think so. Life for me is a series of urgent moments, all requiring immediate action. But compliments verbalize the exchange of a feeling between one human being to another, which is, you are valuable, you are important, you are wanted. This feeling of being wanted by another, or by other humans at large, is requirement that is central to the existence of every human being. Women try to get thin, get implants, dress up, make up, sound intelligent, and men make money, drive fast cars, attain power, wear designer ware, in order to be acceptable and in demand. This can take different forms according to the person or group that we are trying to impress, but thats what it is. All art, manners, politics, entertainment, is meant to please and interest as many other human beings as possible. We live through our relationships with others, and are enriched by them or destroyed by the lack of interest others take in us as viable partners, employees, commodities, etc. A compliment is a very small interchange between two human beings showing that one likes the other. Here lies the problem. If one does not like a person, one might not like the compliment, but one still does, as its an affirmation of one's worth. What matters more is how its put. If it highlights a quality we like about ourselves we love it, but if it points at one we don't, we shun the compliment. Better still, if it finds quality in us which we do not possess but would like to, that is the compliment we like most of all. Why should I compliment somebody, by the way? There are many among us who feel awkward giving compliments even if its well deserved. The motives for these can be manifold. We are not expressive and have not received compliments in our own early life. One learns to give love only when one has received it. or we don't want the person to get a bloated ego, or perhaps want to put him down a bit. So we withhold appreciation, hoping the person would wilt without it, as flowers do without sunshine. Or sometimes, we do not have enough self esteem to think that what we say will be significant for the other. Or, we are so proud that we think that we don't need to appreciate others.All appreciation should be only for us. Love and happiness, only increases if we give more of it to others. If we withhold appreciation it can only control others for a period of time. Then they will leave, looking for others who appreciate them. Insecurity can never be addressed like this. If we open our heart to others, they will love and value us, not because of our material attributes, but because we value them.

Expectations

I read somewhere that don't be surprised if somebody expects a lot from you. Perhaps they would do that much for you themselves, so they expect the same from you too. All of us have expectations from each other. Our expectations of others depend not only on our feelings for them , but also on the opinion we have about them. If we think that somebody is good or has good qualities we expect them to act accordingly. And if we do not have a good opinion of them we expect them to act in a certain way also , usually expecting them to act worse than they actually would perhaps. This is the basic gap between reality and expectations. It reflects the gap between our perception and reality.sometimes we perceive somebody to be better than who they are and sometimes worse than they are. Our perceptions also depend on our own personality and upbringing, and the biases and opinions we have accumulated. Our perception is always coloured by our values and biases , making us see things that sometimes exist or not. This gap leads us to have expectations which are not met and to make errors of judgement. The above is a nice scientific explanation of why there is a difference between our expectations and reality. But the pain and hurt that accompany the realization that a person was not what we thought he was can be devastating. It takes a long time to accept that what you saw and heard upon which you based your perception and expectations was wrong. You doubt your judgment and sometimes yourself for being so utterly mistaken. Now the flip side. Sometimes we think that we are giving concessions to people for their shortcomings but we forget to remember that they are also forgiving and accepting our shortcomings. We might be surprised that somebody did not treat us according to our expectations but maybe we disappointed them at some level too, which we don't think about as most of us perceive ourselves to be perfect. Which is never the case . It is not possible to have no expectations of anybody. That is the attitude of the pessimist. But it I always feel that it's better to give people the benefit of doubt and trust them to be good, rather than trust them to be bad. If you suspect or judge in relationships, you are reducing each other to enemies. Not friends. A positive outlook always brings out the best in people. Including yourself. And forgiveness helps us accept the infirmities of other. They might not come up to expectations sometimes, they are human and have other compulsions also. But many times they will and do surpass our expectations. It is good to remember that.