On the Birthday of the Prophet of Islam ( PBUH)

On the day the one who was declared rehemat ul Aalimeen by God himself, no other thought can be of anything else. Mercy, benevolence, Ehsan, which means favourite to others, charity,fairmindedness, and forgiveness even to the bitterest enemies are the qualities of the Prophet of Islam, Hazrat Muhammad. On his birthday, it seems sad that in the perception of many, his religion has become one of violence, vengeance , self righteousness and intolerance. It is amazing what muslims have made out of his teachings. Perhaps that is the result of illiteracy and poverty among the majority of Muslims in the world today .But then it is all the more a responsibility of educated Muslims to teach our children about the true spitit of Islam embodied by the prophet's personality. I named my only son Muhammad, because I thought that no name can be better than this name. Nobody could oppose our choice this time, but we got lots of criticism that naming the boy muhammad is a sort of disrespect , because when you will scold the boy, you will disrespect the name of the Prophet. I feel this response signifies muslims attitude towards the Prophet and their religion. Keep the Quran at a high place in silken covering and never open it or read it, so that no disrespect is made. What we forget is that religion and the Prophet are supposed to be close to us, part of our souls, as close to us as life is in our bodies.God is part of our bodies and souls. So why should we put it away, refrain from taking his name, lest we disrespect? This attitude has taken us away from God and the Prophet and we treat it as something separate from our usual life. That is not how it is meant to be. Educated Muslims like me, those who got a western education and had liberal upringing tend to gravitate towards western values. Yet it is possible to be liberal and embrace the teachings of Islam. The mistake is that we are taught that for is important. We wear turbans and other accouterments which is simply missing the point. What we need is to understand and follow the spirit of Islam embodied by the values of the prophet, not conform to traditions. Emulation of dress is good but the real issue is carrying his message and values forward. Charity has no shape, kindness has no form. Helping others is a feeling, and forgiveness has no procedure. It is relevant and acceptable to God in any outer form. We do not teach this to our children and only teach them rituals. They stand in milads and fatehas not realising that this is to be shared with others and why that is. For me, the best way to celebrate the prophet's birthday is to help others, give charity and be kind to people.If we can help somebody or forgive them on his birthday , and try to be more like him not in dress but in qualities, that is the kind of gift he would like from us today.

Compliments

Each time anybody gives me a compliment, I can have a variety of feelings. I can like it, I can dislike it. I can be elated, I can feel embarrassed or irritated. Or it might just make my day. It all depends on who said it, and how. All of us go through this gamut of feelings at different times, but we all like compliments. Why do we, by the way? I have often wondered why not do away with these niceties which waste our time and don't let us get to the point. A person as impatient as me would think so. Life for me is a series of urgent moments, all requiring immediate action. But compliments verbalize the exchange of a feeling between one human being to another, which is, you are valuable, you are important, you are wanted. This feeling of being wanted by another, or by other humans at large, is requirement that is central to the existence of every human being. Women try to get thin, get implants, dress up, make up, sound intelligent, and men make money, drive fast cars, attain power, wear designer ware, in order to be acceptable and in demand. This can take different forms according to the person or group that we are trying to impress, but thats what it is. All art, manners, politics, entertainment, is meant to please and interest as many other human beings as possible. We live through our relationships with others, and are enriched by them or destroyed by the lack of interest others take in us as viable partners, employees, commodities, etc. A compliment is a very small interchange between two human beings showing that one likes the other. Here lies the problem. If one does not like a person, one might not like the compliment, but one still does, as its an affirmation of one's worth. What matters more is how its put. If it highlights a quality we like about ourselves we love it, but if it points at one we don't, we shun the compliment. Better still, if it finds quality in us which we do not possess but would like to, that is the compliment we like most of all. Why should I compliment somebody, by the way? There are many among us who feel awkward giving compliments even if its well deserved. The motives for these can be manifold. We are not expressive and have not received compliments in our own early life. One learns to give love only when one has received it. or we don't want the person to get a bloated ego, or perhaps want to put him down a bit. So we withhold appreciation, hoping the person would wilt without it, as flowers do without sunshine. Or sometimes, we do not have enough self esteem to think that what we say will be significant for the other. Or, we are so proud that we think that we don't need to appreciate others.All appreciation should be only for us. Love and happiness, only increases if we give more of it to others. If we withhold appreciation it can only control others for a period of time. Then they will leave, looking for others who appreciate them. Insecurity can never be addressed like this. If we open our heart to others, they will love and value us, not because of our material attributes, but because we value them.

Expectations

I read somewhere that don't be surprised if somebody expects a lot from you. Perhaps they would do that much for you themselves, so they expect the same from you too. All of us have expectations from each other. Our expectations of others depend not only on our feelings for them , but also on the opinion we have about them. If we think that somebody is good or has good qualities we expect them to act accordingly. And if we do not have a good opinion of them we expect them to act in a certain way also , usually expecting them to act worse than they actually would perhaps. This is the basic gap between reality and expectations. It reflects the gap between our perception and reality.sometimes we perceive somebody to be better than who they are and sometimes worse than they are. Our perceptions also depend on our own personality and upbringing, and the biases and opinions we have accumulated. Our perception is always coloured by our values and biases , making us see things that sometimes exist or not. This gap leads us to have expectations which are not met and to make errors of judgement. The above is a nice scientific explanation of why there is a difference between our expectations and reality. But the pain and hurt that accompany the realization that a person was not what we thought he was can be devastating. It takes a long time to accept that what you saw and heard upon which you based your perception and expectations was wrong. You doubt your judgment and sometimes yourself for being so utterly mistaken. Now the flip side. Sometimes we think that we are giving concessions to people for their shortcomings but we forget to remember that they are also forgiving and accepting our shortcomings. We might be surprised that somebody did not treat us according to our expectations but maybe we disappointed them at some level too, which we don't think about as most of us perceive ourselves to be perfect. Which is never the case . It is not possible to have no expectations of anybody. That is the attitude of the pessimist. But it I always feel that it's better to give people the benefit of doubt and trust them to be good, rather than trust them to be bad. If you suspect or judge in relationships, you are reducing each other to enemies. Not friends. A positive outlook always brings out the best in people. Including yourself. And forgiveness helps us accept the infirmities of other. They might not come up to expectations sometimes, they are human and have other compulsions also. But many times they will and do surpass our expectations. It is good to remember that.

Here and there

I came to attend a conference in Rome this week. Ever the shopaholic, when I got free early one day i decided to explore the beautiful city on foot as I rarely get to do that when i am with family. When you walk the streets and roads of a city, you get to know its true complexion and its people. The romans are very civilized but not chummy. This is true of all europeans. But I want to write about an encounter i had with an Indian. Near Palazzo Montecitorio, I stopped by a cafe to have lunch. I saw an Indian waiter bring my order. When one is abroad, Indians and Pakistanis tend to be especially friendly with each other and we started chatting . I asked him where he was from and he replied east Punjab, Ambala to be precise, and was living here with his brother for the last 12 years. He asked me how long i was staying and i told him that i would return in two days, the same old issues waiting for me at home and work. He smiled and said this is the same for us. When we go home, family politics and demands meet us, and I have spent so much money on my family and still they are never happy. I spent so much money on building a house in my village and my parents live in it, it is of no use to me. If i had saved it I would have been able to set up my own business by now, instead of still working as a waiter even after twelve years. At this we both smiled, and I think we identified with each other. Across all divides, the family system in the subcontinent is more or less the same. There are many good things to be said about it, but it naturally creates a larger number of dependents in our families and discourages independence. Our society teaches us not to be selfish and take care of others, but it discourages us to carry our own weight and try to be independent and take care of oneself. We often see men or women taking turns to take care of the family. The father and then the son or a daughter, the ones who are able to do something in life. But there is no pressure on each of us to become independent and be on our own. Intact, the ones who are too lazy or unable to do anything are even more pampered by the families and there is additional pressure on the ones who make it in life to take care of those who do not. The reasons are that one is fortunate and the other is not. But nobody sees whether the allegedly unfortunate one made enough effort or not. The ones who are working hard are made to pay for the failures of their near and dear ones. I am not saying we should not help out, but this atmosphere of dependence makes many in our society feel they don't need an effort, their families are there to take care of them, find them a job, help them ahead. The worst thing is that if one refuses to help relatives beyond one's ability, all one gets are accusations and recriminations. There is so much social pressure on all of us that a lot that we do is according to what others want, without any desire to do so. And it never ends. It is good to be kind and generous to others, but it is also good to know when to stop and release oneself from unnecessary social pressures. We need to encourage our family members to be more independent and do things on their own.Independence teaches you self worth and self respect. Instead of mollycoddling the children the mothers should teach them to be on their own, take initiative and make decisions. And let them go at an early stage without agonizing about everything they say or do. Otherwise there will always be people from the subcontinent telling each other when they meet abroad, that they feel free and happier, not feeling like going home. Who wants to live in shackles?

High Temperatures in Lahore

I usually avoid political issues. My blog is not the place for it, my blog is about my personal thoughts on life. But how can I ignore it if there is an election going on where I live? Yes, I have the distinction of living in NA 122, the erstwhile constituency of Mr. Ayaz Sadiq, who is again fighting for his seat as well as his honour. As an assistant commissioner in Lahore in 2008, I used to think he was one of the finest and most dignified members of parliament that I ever came across, and I have come across many. I am sure he retains those qualities. Whatever happens in the elections, the campaign has crippled all normalcy in the area. The whole constituency has taken on the permanent look of a carnival. This is a mood that Lahorites thrive on. with the election due on sunday, the whole constutuency is pulsating with election fever. Lahore is a city given to extremes. Lahoris are characterized by their emotion, generosity, extreme friendliness and adaptability to different situations. They tend to have a que sera sera attitude about life and things in general, and like to enjoy the journey of life, with food, song,revelry, fine arts and following their own special cultural norms. Lahore is actually one city that never sleeps. The Lahore culture has evolved through its thousands of years history as a melting pot of races, cultures and a variety of rulers. An airhead female anchor on Dawn TV was declaring the PML N candidate as belonging to the Kashmiri clan today, while he belongs to one of the distinguished old families of Lahore who converted to Sikhism to Islam. Lahore opens its arms to everybody and assimilates them, as it has seen war, famine, upheaval and devastation through the centuries. upheavals have made them accepting, and whatever difficulties they have in life,they know how to keep the party on. They have an immense ability to enjoy themselves and help others. But there is a dangerous side to Lahorites. They do not like pride and arrogance.They do not like to be ignored. If one is haughty to them and treats them with contempt, they will tear you down.They are not people who will be fooled or cowed down. And they will like to be left alone and do their own thing, which may or may not be legal, but that is how they are. But if one is humble and accepting, Lahorites love you and will support you till their last breath. I think that since I was born in lahore, I can identify with their attitudes and share many of these too. However, I do not like their propensity to show off.They tend to go to any extremes. The Lahorites, infact the whole of Punjab, is guilty of the propensity to show off and spend money for effect and to impress others. All political parties seem to have given in to this propensity, for their primary ojective at the moment is to surpass each other in impressing the people of Lahore into voting for them. Nobody loves lavish shows like Lahore, and parties are giving them grand displays everywhere at the moment. Lahore has low tendency towards violence, therefore the campaign remains thankfully peaceful, despite the invective being spewed by all sides. Some of The most venomous politicians have gathered from all sides, and even PPP is hurling insults like never before. Despite the onset of autumn, this campaign has warmed the blood of every Lahorite.Whether the Lion breaks the bat in two, or the bat makes a cat out of the lion through hits, will be seen on sunday. But democracy will win hands down either way, dhandli(rigging) or no dhandli.

Come October

This weekend I watched, for the third time, one of my favourite movies" Come September". for the information of the younger crowd, its a fifties movie starring Rock Hudson and Gina Lolobrigida. The movie is about an American jet setting billionnaire who only finds time to meet his girlfriend ,who lives in Italy, once a year, when he comes down to his villa in Liguria every September. His girlfriend is naturally unhappy at this arrangement and since she has many suitors, decides each year to leave him but then goes on waiting for him, but one year, she actually decides to marry another man in July. Out of the blue, the American reschedules his visit to July and calls her, but she refuses to take him back. By the end of the movie, she decides that " it is better to be unhappy with a man you love, rather than be happy with a man you dont love". She returns to him and they marry. This dialogue has intrigued me ever since I saw the movie for the first time as a teenager. Is one happier with a man that it is difficult to be with but whom one loves, or with one whom it is easier to be with, but one does not love? First of all, the universal truth is that it is impossible to feel happy with a man you dont love, whatever you do or he does. If you dont love a man, even if he gifts you diamonds you toss them aside, and instead run/drive/fly to be with somebody who will be busy on your birthday, forgets what you asked him to bring, and forgets to tell you how beautiful you look. But you see in his eyes how he feels about you, and your heart knows. And the woman will disregard all material possessions for the sake of one smile of his. No wonder men find women difficult to understand. Indeed, women are strange creatures. They will make any sacrifice for the man who makes them feel loved sincerely, but will not turn a hair for one who doesnt. They take pain, loneliness, humiliation, for the sake of a warm embrace. But why is it ok to do that for the right person? We do not know. Only the heart knows. Love itself is a painful emotion. The more you love somebody, the more you are prone to experience pain. The propensity to feel hurt , insecure, jealous, possessive, longing for him/her, and wanting to own, all increase in a person who is in love, man or woman. The words of a beloved, however innocently spoken, can be misunderstood and blown up to cause hurt and squabbles. It all stems from our desire to be the best and number one in the eyes of the one we love. This is true for males as well as females. But If you feel your partner is not as committed to the relationship as you are, your own interest flags. It feels natural to be important in your partners life and unnatural to be unimportant. So happiness in love, is a relative term. There are highs and lows, happiness and hurt. Love is not a stable emotion. So there are times when a couple will be happy together, and times when they will be unhappy together. But as long as they are together, joy will return, time after time, if they remain true to one another. But what makes one run from one person to another? What is the most attractive quality? Beauty, figure, age, money, power? and why does one stay? It is the trust that the other person will understand and support us, for whom its important what she wants, not only what he wants, the ability to be there for somebody,and who will like and wish us well, not resent one's success and good fortune. Who can rise above the self, love selflessly, and be happy only in the happiness of ones beloved. If a man or a woman is sure that they are loved selflessly, it doesnt matter if they dont do the rituals or go through public displays of affection . They will go on loving each other not only till September,but many Octobers.

Angst

On my way to Lahore this week, I noticed the light green leaves of the sisham trees turning red as autumn . Red seemed to be all around, a deep, burgundy red. Clothes, flowers, nailpaint, even the curtains of my bedroom. But I noticed as i entered my room that the dark mauve velvet chaise longue gives a lovely contrast to the red and off white colour scheme. It got there by chance, but today I see it as if for the first time. Caught up with the more striking red, I seldom noticed the mauve, but it was always there, a colour that I always loved, but never gave much thought. Today it makes me smile. It is not the colour of life,action and passion like red, but it is the colour of creativity and spirituality. Both are necessary for me. A life without spirituality and creativity, however passionate and driven, is only half lived. Creativity is the gift of God himself, but without drive,comes to nothing. One of my favourite stories about God's relationship with us is that in the Afterlife, a man is before God and asks him, that when i look back on my life path, I see two pairs of footprints. God says, they were yours and mine. The man asks, but at the most difficult periods of my life, I see only one pair. Where were you? God smiles and says, these were the times that I was carrying you. Its true that no human being can survive without God's help and guidance. Sometimes we are aware of how we are being guided, but mostly we are not. Focusing on the red, we forget that the mauve is infact ordained too. Yet sometimes, our belief system makes us forget about our own responsibilities in life as we become too prone to leave things to God. That is one of the negative sides of our culture influenced partly by sufism. Most of us believe so strongly in the power of God to make things right that we forget to play our role, and fail to recognize that we are to act first, and only then leave the outcome to God. In our social as well as our professional intaractions, there is a phrase that I have come to hate: " That is how it is". If something is wrong, people are not interested in making it right, they just want to edge their way past the problem. They feel it is not their problem,not realizing, that a problem that affects enough individuals in a society affects everybody in the end. There are very few people that I have met who take things seriously and strive to make changes for the better.They are the ones who make a difference.It might not be ones own problem, but the ability to make things right for everybody through individual efforts, is what keeps a society together. We must be able to discern what is the will of God, and what are the problems brought about by human selfishness, injustice and lack of effort. A little angst is good for oneself and everybody else.Angst means to worry, to be worried about possible outcomes and pitfalls in any situation. It is a German word, and describes very well the temperament of the German people. Angst makes them self possessed, cautious, well prepared and hard working.They leave little to chance.They work hard to keep the undesirable outcomes at bay. And consequently they are one of the most advanced nations of the world. I have never seen a successful person who is not careful, not well prepared and who leaves things to chance. To believe makes us strong to weather storms, but working to prepare for those storms is the result of angst. Angst drives us to action, and to take things seriously. How one balances the angst and to be able to surrender to God is crucial for success and peace of mind. Like this room, perhaps three parts red in life is offset beautifully with one part mauve.