Forgiveness

I cannot push back from my mind the terrible killing the other day In Sialkot of a couple who had married for love, by the relatives of the girl. Much has been written and said about honor killing and the feudal mindset, but it is not only the feudal who do this, it has to do with the basic perception of our society about a woman. She is still not considered a person, but rather a thing or possession to be owned and governed, a perpetual dependent who naturally does not have a say, an opinion , much less feelings or desires. The best woman in our traditional perception is one who doesn't talk back, and if doesn't speak at all , all the better. While this might be the case in a marital relationship, where a woman might want to acquiesce to the man occasionally, this perception is there in every relationship Or interaction between a man and a woman, Taken as a given by most men. Even men on the street, bosses in offices And even subordinates want women to adhere to them, not because of any quality of thought and mind but only because of their fortune of being a man. In this context, naturally a woman or girl who not only has a choice but also brave enough to take that choice is considered a source of shame. It is the jibes of society which drive a family to kill their flesh and blood, even if she had done something which was legal and her right under law and religion. This is the hypocrisy that engulfs us, if she had married the family's choice and taken a lover on the side, nobody would have minded as long as it remained hidden. Men in our society regularly marry for money thinking they will enjoy themselves on the side all along to fulfill their desire for a better mate. Such unfaithfulness is perfectly acceptable to us, but not somebody who decides to be honest to oneself and do the right thing. The concept of right and wrong is terribly skewed. They say marriages are made in heaven, but here they are made under cold calculations of profit and loss, in terms of trophies and Status symbols. True marriage is the marriage of the heart, when one heart recognizes the other as the One, and the only. Antoine d Saint Exupery wrote, true love is visible, not to the eyes, but to the heart, for eyes may be deceived . What did the murderers understand of what the lovers saw in each other. They could not see because they were blinded by material things. We the society need to give the womenfolk a new social contract. We need to help them become independent in mind and financially, only then can they shrug off these shackles and learn to live like persons, not objects or possessions.

Young and beautiful

Listening today to "young and beautiful" by Lana De La Ray, one of my favourite songs.It makes me wonder if there is anything called true love after all, the way we were taught it is when we were children...true love is unselfish , it is brave, it is not based on material things, and, it is forever. This concept of forever has been blown away by modern life, when we are living lives that only sustain strips n snippets of people we love and like.but is it still possible to love unselfishly and love without consideration of looks, age, appearance? These days even bank balance is a great aphrodisiac, so why blame men when they run after bone structure, hair colour, size, etc ? I used to believe that true love must be out there but not happened to me.. But love is what happens to one when one is making other plans. The first time I realized I was in love was when I experienced near physical pain at the possibility of being away from him. And in a few days it was all over, all my defences gone, my ego taking a hike, my pride melted away into the warm emotions welling up in my heart. And it has never left me. Why I don't Mind the imperfections of heart and mind which I can see with my eyes and recognize with my brains, I don't know. I just know it is joy to be in the same room even, it is peace to smile at and be smiled at, it is oneness to speak to and to hear, it is losing which makes one treasure most. And to meet is to be alive, it is pain if the other is in pain, and joy if one sees joy in their eyes. And not being with me is still being with me. I guess I cannot diagnose it scientifically, I can only feel.How is it that two people can be so similar and feel the other can't do wrong is unexplainable, honestly. I say,whatever feels wrong with others feels right with u, and never felt so right. And the pain still stays with me, but I prefer it to all other pleasure . How come all my friends can't talk me out of it is another mystery. So I guess, if I feel this way, if the passing years don't matter, maybe I can be lucky and he feels the same about me? Seems to, and it's true that true love is felt in actions rather than in words..but to be on the safe side I would try to continue being beautiful, if can't hold on to youth... but no, it is the heart that loves the other heart, not the body.. And , it is , sadly for some, forever, if it is true..but would I have it any other way? The answer, as u say, is a big no.

Fear is only a state of Mind

The summer of discontent has started in earnest, it seems. The wandering mind seeks cool dark places to lie down and reminisce, meditate and commiserate with itself of all the confusions, inconsistencies, the questions that arise and are suppressed in one's mind..yet one always crops up. Everywhere i go , I see and feel guilt, self criticism and negativity. be it in our professional lives or personal lives, there is inability to even imagine good things happening, achievement of goals, and this fear, so much fear of others finding and ruining our chances, our success, our good fortune. This fear and insecurity gnaws at our society, controlling and dictating our actions. We hide our real thoughts, settling for platitudes instead in company, afraid to stand out, be different, to hear our voices rise above the usual buzz of familiar chit chat and time worn topics. It is perhaps the natural reaction to the history of this land. The city of Lahore has seen many devastations and carnages, and has learnt to adapt, to accept, to pay homage to whoever is at the zenith of power. The tendency is to do well for yourself and not even dream of sticking your neck out for what you believe in. If you believe in anything in the first place.Self preservation is supreme. I wonder sometimes, looking at the reactions of the people around me and the screaming silence, the utter lack of outrage at things that we should be outraged at. Despite generations of conditioning and nurture, some conscience remains in our hearts, this inability to condemn openly and failure to suppress decisively has turned us into a nation of self condemners, hating ourselves for our weakness but still going on at the same path. But the ties that bind our minds are only in our mind. Fear is only a state of mind. Now more than ever is the need to stand up for things higher than ourselves, which are right for the collective good. One has to sacrifice personal safety, comfort, and benefits for the collective good. But the strength to do so only comes from belief,from faith in what is right. Many times I feared to move forward on things which i believed were right, in the fear that what might happen, but the unknown is always more fearsome than going ahead and knowing whats out there. sometimes i faltered, sometimes i moved ahead, but moving ahead told me that most of my fears were only imagined. If I believed strongly in something, moving forward always found me vistas to reach my goal. Fear melted away when faced with willpower. I believe that the only way open to us collectively and individually, in order to lead a positive, happy and dignified life, is to go on the path of what we believe in, and fears, known and unknown, will melt away. Compromise wins us not peace but stalemate. Doing what we wish and believe in, is what brings happiness and peace.

Am I alone?

There is no clock in my bedroom. I cannot feel the time pass here. In the dim warm light of red and white and earth hues, I am alone with your thoughts, your images, your words and your dreams. I am alone here . Yet all the creases of the bed,the fall of the curtain, the walls the hearth envelop you in them, though you have never been here . My thoughts, my feelings, my action, they all belong to you. You live inside me as a living, breathing being. I don't know if you are a being or an emotion, but never for a moment am I without you. You are so so far away. I am busy, and you even more so...I love my work, and so do you...yet i feel hollow when I don't hear your voice plaintively asking me to tell you about my day, there is love here...in this Age of frenzied activity and virtual communication, we are bound in our lives and living with each other through these gadgets, these toys that we have. My heart doesnt ask me why, what, how. When it comes to you, it just Is. I just know that you will make it happen, that i can count on you whether near or far.And that is no small comfort because..you are an oasis of peace in my splintered existence..your warmth makes me forget my fears, my self doubt and My inhibitions(not that I have many), your smile makes me believe again that there is goodness in this world. Despite everything, despite everybody. And it is not tinplate, it's gold. And for me, it is enough.Enough for me to close my eyes and look forward to another day.

Thoughts on the struggle for Change

The law locks up the hapless felon who steals the goose from off the common, but lets the greater felon loose who steals the common from the goose. ANONYMOUS, ENGLAND,1821 Society tells us what to do and what not to do. The State also tells us what to do and what not to do. but who is the state and society telling all this..the ones who are rich and powerful, or the ones who has nobody to turn to, the one who has only his own blood and toil to rely upon, to feed himself or herself and their family? it is said that law is made by a set of individuals to control another, perhaps larger set of individuals and gain power over them. it is also said that law is not equal for everybody. it is different for the rich and different for the poor. In the Middle Ages it was true for all countries.. yet democracy and its champions in various lands and those who struggled and laid down their lives for ideals higher and greater than themselves, felt proud that one of the greatest achievements of democracy is to have lessened this disparity. the ideal of democracy is equality of all people, the common dignity of all people, and equal access to justice for all people of a society and nation. However, we in our land of the pure live in a clime of holy cows, of ruling groups and and elite clubs.We are, as i have said before, a nation of experts in lip service. perhaps lip service is somewhere ingrained in our minds as Farz e Kifaya for all the actions not acted upon, things which we should have done but did not do, out of laziness, lack of confidence, selfish interests or in the abuse of power. Self interest takes precedence over belief, over faith, over values. the power to do the right thing dissolves into the melting pot overlaid with selfish considerations. Why is that, are we different from other nations in this? no, we are only failing because we are approaching the problem in a wrong manner. we are placing too great a premium in the ability of the individual to withstand social pressure. we propose placebo solutions to social ills. Prayer, and no action. shifting the blame to God. it isn't that I doubt His Power, but am i not his viceregent to do his work? It is unfortunate that we don't talk about it, so afraid are we to break stereotypical ideas, but the truth is that belief is not as strong in its pull as self interest. Just saying to somebody that do the right thing is'nt enough.We need to support and join hands with like minded persons and support them against the hegemony of the status quo, be it the establishment, the elite, the religious establishment. Those who support democracy and democratic mores need to stand by each other, and help each other sustain the scorn, the victimization, the defamation which is piled by the minions of status quo upon people who want to see change in this society. It is easy to steal a goose from the common like a common felon, but let not the pioneers of change be like felons. it takes a herculean effort to take back the common from the ones who took it away. we can, but together.

About Being Different

In the last week, some people were astonished at my views. Perhaps they do not conform to the stereotyped image of me. But then, I am no stranger to being different, the odd one out. I'm used to it. It all started with me being a leftie. Being southpaws attracted attention since school, and still does. One of my islamiyat teachers lectured me about it being sinful to use my left hand and I thought, then has God sinned by creating me this way? This was one of the things pointed out by my father in law when I got married. It was then I first realized I had married wrongly. But this state of being different went on. I was brought up at par with my brother, encouraged by my father to think for myself and question ideas that we take as givens in our society. I got married and then started studying again, became a civil servant after becoming the mother of a child, topped my batch and became ok with being the lone woman in the room in most work situations. Now i dont even notice gender. Slowly my feeling of being different changed into a lifestyle. My reasons for joining public serv ice were also sadly different. I wanted to do good, help people and devote my life to helping others by using my power and position. I have fallen over many times trying to do and say what I think and feel is right. But God has always given me my feet back. I chose to be out of a relationship which could only continue through hypocrisy, rather than hang on. That is also called different around here. So, I am used to being the different one. But that has made me bolder, stronger and more certain of my ideas and ideals. Opposition has made me aware of how one becomes a threat by being different and believing in new ideas and having the courage to act on them . I am the outsider looking into the system. Social change is imminent. We cannot blame the rot on any one segment, each reflects the tendencies of our social mores. Lots of people among us say that we need a different way of thinking and acting as a society. But we are reluctant to apply these ideas to our own lives. Our lives are mired in hypocrisy where paying lip service is not only enough, it's the done thing. The first step to a new life pattern is to stop lying to oneself. For me this is always a good start, and plus it is different, and takes you down new vistas forever.Helps to stop lying to others too ! Where is the harm in that...

Can we have a little life please?

I have often wondered, why people around me, normal people, are so listless, so without initiative,drive,verve, spark, whatever you may call it.And this is true of all, those who lead a privileged life, and those who do not.Listlessness is a cross cutting feature of Pakistani people.Most are unenthusiastic about their work, about their personal life, even their engagement with life. True, money is an enabling factor in many cases but I have mostly seen money as a corruptor of values. It is so easy to fall into the trap of conspicuous consumption where the more u spend, the emptier u feel inside. Or to get into the rut of living to earn money and more money. But it is life without meaning that kills one's drive to get up in the morning and do something.How many of us ask themselves what do we live for? If i were cynical i would say we try not to think because it would make us more depressed to enumerate our reasons for living. But then, how can a society, where the decisions of a person's life is taken through family panchayats, have verve? where an individuals life is the business of the whole family, friends, neighbourhood and even foes? we have been conditioned to believe that we must please others at any cost. One is considered good when one gives up his or her right to live life as he/she believes, and lives the way others want. It is called living for others. Apne aap ko mitana..especially true for women. In a society without personal freedom , people feel that each day of their life will dawn exactly like the last; like how others want it to dawn. Then why make any effort to change things at work either? we are so used to compromise that we forget to have opinions, much less to air them. A person who speaks his/her mind is an anomaly,not a team player, ill mannered and so on.This is true even in the professional sphere. It all stems from our families where discussion and difference of opinion is discouraged. Respect is good but surely not at the cost of stifling one's own individuality? it makes an individual lose confidence in his ability to change anything within or without. I say, dare to dissent. It is healthier and natural. and the more you do so, the more confidence you will gain.One must have opinions and the confidence to live ones beliefs, not only mouth them. for Pakistanis, Changing our own self is the road to changing our life and soci ety.It is not guns and doles that we need, we need social change to get ahead. All of us must recognize this fact.