Expectations

I read somewhere that don't be surprised if somebody expects a lot from you. Perhaps they would do that much for you themselves, so they expect the same from you too. All of us have expectations from each other. Our expectations of others depend not only on our feelings for them , but also on the opinion we have about them. If we think that somebody is good or has good qualities we expect them to act accordingly. And if we do not have a good opinion of them we expect them to act in a certain way also , usually expecting them to act worse than they actually would perhaps. This is the basic gap between reality and expectations. It reflects the gap between our perception and reality.sometimes we perceive somebody to be better than who they are and sometimes worse than they are. Our perceptions also depend on our own personality and upbringing, and the biases and opinions we have accumulated. Our perception is always coloured by our values and biases , making us see things that sometimes exist or not. This gap leads us to have expectations which are not met and to make errors of judgement. The above is a nice scientific explanation of why there is a difference between our expectations and reality. But the pain and hurt that accompany the realization that a person was not what we thought he was can be devastating. It takes a long time to accept that what you saw and heard upon which you based your perception and expectations was wrong. You doubt your judgment and sometimes yourself for being so utterly mistaken. Now the flip side. Sometimes we think that we are giving concessions to people for their shortcomings but we forget to remember that they are also forgiving and accepting our shortcomings. We might be surprised that somebody did not treat us according to our expectations but maybe we disappointed them at some level too, which we don't think about as most of us perceive ourselves to be perfect. Which is never the case . It is not possible to have no expectations of anybody. That is the attitude of the pessimist. But it I always feel that it's better to give people the benefit of doubt and trust them to be good, rather than trust them to be bad. If you suspect or judge in relationships, you are reducing each other to enemies. Not friends. A positive outlook always brings out the best in people. Including yourself. And forgiveness helps us accept the infirmities of other. They might not come up to expectations sometimes, they are human and have other compulsions also. But many times they will and do surpass our expectations. It is good to remember that.

Here and there

I came to attend a conference in Rome this week. Ever the shopaholic, when I got free early one day i decided to explore the beautiful city on foot as I rarely get to do that when i am with family. When you walk the streets and roads of a city, you get to know its true complexion and its people. The romans are very civilized but not chummy. This is true of all europeans. But I want to write about an encounter i had with an Indian. Near Palazzo Montecitorio, I stopped by a cafe to have lunch. I saw an Indian waiter bring my order. When one is abroad, Indians and Pakistanis tend to be especially friendly with each other and we started chatting . I asked him where he was from and he replied east Punjab, Ambala to be precise, and was living here with his brother for the last 12 years. He asked me how long i was staying and i told him that i would return in two days, the same old issues waiting for me at home and work. He smiled and said this is the same for us. When we go home, family politics and demands meet us, and I have spent so much money on my family and still they are never happy. I spent so much money on building a house in my village and my parents live in it, it is of no use to me. If i had saved it I would have been able to set up my own business by now, instead of still working as a waiter even after twelve years. At this we both smiled, and I think we identified with each other. Across all divides, the family system in the subcontinent is more or less the same. There are many good things to be said about it, but it naturally creates a larger number of dependents in our families and discourages independence. Our society teaches us not to be selfish and take care of others, but it discourages us to carry our own weight and try to be independent and take care of oneself. We often see men or women taking turns to take care of the family. The father and then the son or a daughter, the ones who are able to do something in life. But there is no pressure on each of us to become independent and be on our own. Intact, the ones who are too lazy or unable to do anything are even more pampered by the families and there is additional pressure on the ones who make it in life to take care of those who do not. The reasons are that one is fortunate and the other is not. But nobody sees whether the allegedly unfortunate one made enough effort or not. The ones who are working hard are made to pay for the failures of their near and dear ones. I am not saying we should not help out, but this atmosphere of dependence makes many in our society feel they don't need an effort, their families are there to take care of them, find them a job, help them ahead. The worst thing is that if one refuses to help relatives beyond one's ability, all one gets are accusations and recriminations. There is so much social pressure on all of us that a lot that we do is according to what others want, without any desire to do so. And it never ends. It is good to be kind and generous to others, but it is also good to know when to stop and release oneself from unnecessary social pressures. We need to encourage our family members to be more independent and do things on their own.Independence teaches you self worth and self respect. Instead of mollycoddling the children the mothers should teach them to be on their own, take initiative and make decisions. And let them go at an early stage without agonizing about everything they say or do. Otherwise there will always be people from the subcontinent telling each other when they meet abroad, that they feel free and happier, not feeling like going home. Who wants to live in shackles?

High Temperatures in Lahore

I usually avoid political issues. My blog is not the place for it, my blog is about my personal thoughts on life. But how can I ignore it if there is an election going on where I live? Yes, I have the distinction of living in NA 122, the erstwhile constituency of Mr. Ayaz Sadiq, who is again fighting for his seat as well as his honour. As an assistant commissioner in Lahore in 2008, I used to think he was one of the finest and most dignified members of parliament that I ever came across, and I have come across many. I am sure he retains those qualities. Whatever happens in the elections, the campaign has crippled all normalcy in the area. The whole constituency has taken on the permanent look of a carnival. This is a mood that Lahorites thrive on. with the election due on sunday, the whole constutuency is pulsating with election fever. Lahore is a city given to extremes. Lahoris are characterized by their emotion, generosity, extreme friendliness and adaptability to different situations. They tend to have a que sera sera attitude about life and things in general, and like to enjoy the journey of life, with food, song,revelry, fine arts and following their own special cultural norms. Lahore is actually one city that never sleeps. The Lahore culture has evolved through its thousands of years history as a melting pot of races, cultures and a variety of rulers. An airhead female anchor on Dawn TV was declaring the PML N candidate as belonging to the Kashmiri clan today, while he belongs to one of the distinguished old families of Lahore who converted to Sikhism to Islam. Lahore opens its arms to everybody and assimilates them, as it has seen war, famine, upheaval and devastation through the centuries. upheavals have made them accepting, and whatever difficulties they have in life,they know how to keep the party on. They have an immense ability to enjoy themselves and help others. But there is a dangerous side to Lahorites. They do not like pride and arrogance.They do not like to be ignored. If one is haughty to them and treats them with contempt, they will tear you down.They are not people who will be fooled or cowed down. And they will like to be left alone and do their own thing, which may or may not be legal, but that is how they are. But if one is humble and accepting, Lahorites love you and will support you till their last breath. I think that since I was born in lahore, I can identify with their attitudes and share many of these too. However, I do not like their propensity to show off.They tend to go to any extremes. The Lahorites, infact the whole of Punjab, is guilty of the propensity to show off and spend money for effect and to impress others. All political parties seem to have given in to this propensity, for their primary ojective at the moment is to surpass each other in impressing the people of Lahore into voting for them. Nobody loves lavish shows like Lahore, and parties are giving them grand displays everywhere at the moment. Lahore has low tendency towards violence, therefore the campaign remains thankfully peaceful, despite the invective being spewed by all sides. Some of The most venomous politicians have gathered from all sides, and even PPP is hurling insults like never before. Despite the onset of autumn, this campaign has warmed the blood of every Lahorite.Whether the Lion breaks the bat in two, or the bat makes a cat out of the lion through hits, will be seen on sunday. But democracy will win hands down either way, dhandli(rigging) or no dhandli.

Come October

This weekend I watched, for the third time, one of my favourite movies" Come September". for the information of the younger crowd, its a fifties movie starring Rock Hudson and Gina Lolobrigida. The movie is about an American jet setting billionnaire who only finds time to meet his girlfriend ,who lives in Italy, once a year, when he comes down to his villa in Liguria every September. His girlfriend is naturally unhappy at this arrangement and since she has many suitors, decides each year to leave him but then goes on waiting for him, but one year, she actually decides to marry another man in July. Out of the blue, the American reschedules his visit to July and calls her, but she refuses to take him back. By the end of the movie, she decides that " it is better to be unhappy with a man you love, rather than be happy with a man you dont love". She returns to him and they marry. This dialogue has intrigued me ever since I saw the movie for the first time as a teenager. Is one happier with a man that it is difficult to be with but whom one loves, or with one whom it is easier to be with, but one does not love? First of all, the universal truth is that it is impossible to feel happy with a man you dont love, whatever you do or he does. If you dont love a man, even if he gifts you diamonds you toss them aside, and instead run/drive/fly to be with somebody who will be busy on your birthday, forgets what you asked him to bring, and forgets to tell you how beautiful you look. But you see in his eyes how he feels about you, and your heart knows. And the woman will disregard all material possessions for the sake of one smile of his. No wonder men find women difficult to understand. Indeed, women are strange creatures. They will make any sacrifice for the man who makes them feel loved sincerely, but will not turn a hair for one who doesnt. They take pain, loneliness, humiliation, for the sake of a warm embrace. But why is it ok to do that for the right person? We do not know. Only the heart knows. Love itself is a painful emotion. The more you love somebody, the more you are prone to experience pain. The propensity to feel hurt , insecure, jealous, possessive, longing for him/her, and wanting to own, all increase in a person who is in love, man or woman. The words of a beloved, however innocently spoken, can be misunderstood and blown up to cause hurt and squabbles. It all stems from our desire to be the best and number one in the eyes of the one we love. This is true for males as well as females. But If you feel your partner is not as committed to the relationship as you are, your own interest flags. It feels natural to be important in your partners life and unnatural to be unimportant. So happiness in love, is a relative term. There are highs and lows, happiness and hurt. Love is not a stable emotion. So there are times when a couple will be happy together, and times when they will be unhappy together. But as long as they are together, joy will return, time after time, if they remain true to one another. But what makes one run from one person to another? What is the most attractive quality? Beauty, figure, age, money, power? and why does one stay? It is the trust that the other person will understand and support us, for whom its important what she wants, not only what he wants, the ability to be there for somebody,and who will like and wish us well, not resent one's success and good fortune. Who can rise above the self, love selflessly, and be happy only in the happiness of ones beloved. If a man or a woman is sure that they are loved selflessly, it doesnt matter if they dont do the rituals or go through public displays of affection . They will go on loving each other not only till September,but many Octobers.

Angst

On my way to Lahore this week, I noticed the light green leaves of the sisham trees turning red as autumn . Red seemed to be all around, a deep, burgundy red. Clothes, flowers, nailpaint, even the curtains of my bedroom. But I noticed as i entered my room that the dark mauve velvet chaise longue gives a lovely contrast to the red and off white colour scheme. It got there by chance, but today I see it as if for the first time. Caught up with the more striking red, I seldom noticed the mauve, but it was always there, a colour that I always loved, but never gave much thought. Today it makes me smile. It is not the colour of life,action and passion like red, but it is the colour of creativity and spirituality. Both are necessary for me. A life without spirituality and creativity, however passionate and driven, is only half lived. Creativity is the gift of God himself, but without drive,comes to nothing. One of my favourite stories about God's relationship with us is that in the Afterlife, a man is before God and asks him, that when i look back on my life path, I see two pairs of footprints. God says, they were yours and mine. The man asks, but at the most difficult periods of my life, I see only one pair. Where were you? God smiles and says, these were the times that I was carrying you. Its true that no human being can survive without God's help and guidance. Sometimes we are aware of how we are being guided, but mostly we are not. Focusing on the red, we forget that the mauve is infact ordained too. Yet sometimes, our belief system makes us forget about our own responsibilities in life as we become too prone to leave things to God. That is one of the negative sides of our culture influenced partly by sufism. Most of us believe so strongly in the power of God to make things right that we forget to play our role, and fail to recognize that we are to act first, and only then leave the outcome to God. In our social as well as our professional intaractions, there is a phrase that I have come to hate: " That is how it is". If something is wrong, people are not interested in making it right, they just want to edge their way past the problem. They feel it is not their problem,not realizing, that a problem that affects enough individuals in a society affects everybody in the end. There are very few people that I have met who take things seriously and strive to make changes for the better.They are the ones who make a difference.It might not be ones own problem, but the ability to make things right for everybody through individual efforts, is what keeps a society together. We must be able to discern what is the will of God, and what are the problems brought about by human selfishness, injustice and lack of effort. A little angst is good for oneself and everybody else.Angst means to worry, to be worried about possible outcomes and pitfalls in any situation. It is a German word, and describes very well the temperament of the German people. Angst makes them self possessed, cautious, well prepared and hard working.They leave little to chance.They work hard to keep the undesirable outcomes at bay. And consequently they are one of the most advanced nations of the world. I have never seen a successful person who is not careful, not well prepared and who leaves things to chance. To believe makes us strong to weather storms, but working to prepare for those storms is the result of angst. Angst drives us to action, and to take things seriously. How one balances the angst and to be able to surrender to God is crucial for success and peace of mind. Like this room, perhaps three parts red in life is offset beautifully with one part mauve.

Jealousy

Jealousy is a potent emotion. It revvs up our engine and motivates us to compete and get ahead of others. It makes us adopt unscrupulous methods to beat people that we are jealous of, human beings lie, cheat, conspire and even shed blood out of jealousy. It can rouse a person out of a sickbed and forge ahead, powered only by the hatred of the people he or she is jealous of. Among lovers, it can get even more dangerous. Killing a lover or spouse out of jealousy might be a commonplace happening, but it is a very real emotion within every human being, and does not bode well for the person himself or for others around him if it rears its ugly head. We have graduated to be civilized in some regions of the world, and instead of murder, leaving the person , perhaps noisily,is the preferred choice of civilized, rational human beings. But this emotion is the antithesis of reason. Im sure all of us have felt jealous of somebody at some point in our lives. The one who says i have never been jealous, is a liar. Jealousy drives people to keep on harming people who want to have nothing to do with them, to keep stalking and be curious about them long after the severing of ties. The innate desire to make a person fall, suffer, be humiliated, and to show themselves to be better than him all arises out of jealousy. But I think that , and my readers are free to enlighten me if im wrong, that jealousy itself arises out of the pain of feeling small, unwanted, inadequate, unloved and insecure of one's own ability to be good enough. Sometimes such people make a career out of trying to mitigate their own shortcomings by pulling others down which they feel are better than them, get more attention and love. But i have a question. Does pulling one down make oneself feel any better in comparison? I dont think so. At best, it can only give momentary satisfaction that is destructive for ones own being. And the end of it is always self defeating. Because jealousy is only an inverted desire to be loved and wanted. Jealousy instead of drawing people closer, draws them even further apart. Jealousy in our society has become the most motivating emotion in my opinion. We find ourselves inadequate in many ways and the more we are unable to achieve ourselves, the more we talk against others and connive to bring them down to the same level. We sometimes joke among colleagues that in the public sector, nobody is interested in work or doing a good job, but all are very good at politics and only concerned with what others are doing and how to pull them down. perhaps the private sector is like that too, i have no experience of it. Maybe our attitudes at large have to do with how we are brought up. Nuclear families have less family politics but joint families have a lot of it. In joint families there are a number of dependents who dont do anything and live off the pleasure of their elders. in nuclear families the people are more independent and consequently have less need of politics to get what they want. So what we learn at home we reflect in our behaviour out in the world too. It could vary in rural or urban settings. But jealousy/envy has captured our national psyche like nothing else. And its a destructive emotion. How we can get out of this vicious circle beats me. Perhaps if we became more independent and judge less on everything but our work ethic, jealousy could also become less active or atleast more in check. Playing straight is a difficult thing to teach and more difficult to learn where there are so many opportunities to be crooked.

A day in the life of a woman in public life

I got a rare comment last week praising me. Im not used to praise, but more to accusations, slander, character assasination. It made me think, i wonder if people realize how it is for a woman who ventures out of the house to work, to prove herself, to do her bit in public life? Perhaps we all do, at some level of consciousness. More and more women aree now working in Pakistan. Women in the office space are not an anomlay anymore. But women in positions of real authority are still few. Especially in public life. to some extent, they are to blame themselves for it. When they go out for work, instead of leaving the woman in them at home and bringing only the professional at work, they bring the mother, the wife, the woman and in some extreme cases even the femme fatale to the workplace. They look for concessions as women, want the easy way out, and as I see these days, fall into the trap of flirting and being seduced on their way to what they think is the top, but usually turns out to be nowhere. That is there, and such females ruin it for others, who want to be taken seriously and respected for their work and ability, rather than what they can offer otherwise. They encourage stereotypes, and people expect every woman who steps out of her house to work, to be open to suggestion. So much for the ones who use their gender( I wont use the other word) for advancement. They live their lives and make choices knowingly. My concern is the women who dont want to use feminine wiles to get ahead. Who want to prove their mettle through work and surpass the men. And believe me, most of the working woman want that. When i was studying and had aspirations as a professional, I wanted to do well in my work, develop a serious work ethic, and of course, being the feminist, be better than the men. With effort and gods help, I became that. joined a service where I worked constantly with men only and proved my capability and grit among them. I thought the story would end there. It didnt. I realized that as i did better and got to good positions, my colleagues would attribute every reason to my success but my cappability. They just wouldnt believe it. When it became too obvious, they would backbite and be mean. In an effort to be professional, I tried, and still try, to be a bit reserved until i get to know anybody. I see that men take this as an offence that why a woman who isnt bad looking, wont come to their office to butter them up. And if she is being friendly and nice, why it isnt leading to anything else. After many bitter experiences of having to shake people off very rudely, I just dont engage in conversation after a certain level. One would think it would end here. The self respecting ones understand and distance themselves, while the others become mean and start conniving. For a woman in public life, life is tough. From the moment you get out of your car, you are the center of intense attention from all males, high and low, and of course most of the male help think it is good measure to hum songs when they pass a woman. With the passage of time of course, they learn not to dare. But it takes lots of curtness from the woman. I do not like to be rude, but i have to be. If im not, they will be all over the place. So i would rather be known as rude than as that"chick who laughs a lot". Atleast when i speak, they listen. Dress is a major factor. the more you cover yourself, the more respectable you seem in their eyes. I thought it didnt matter if i was ok myself, but realized at my cost that our males are too backward in the public domain. A woman has to be either extreemely ugly or suitably covered to command respect. Then there are the ones who would not give up on getting ones attention. they wait for the time when you might need anything form them and they can use the task to get friendly. This kind sometimes creates problems for women just so that they can help them later and then get lucky. What i have learnt is, the less favours a woman takes, the safer she is. favours cost too dearly at times. I am in no way condemning men and women who find love at the workplace. Meeting somebody and liking somebody is a different thing, but using ones powers to get a woman's attention forcibly through incentive or harrassment is a crime. It should be discouraged at every level. But male chauvinism refuses to recognize or to confront such patterns of behaviour. My only reactions to such people is that if they wait for this woman to ask for favours, they will be waiting forever. I would rather not have things than to expose myself to such behaviour. All said and done, If a woman is good at her work, doesnt take undue favours and concessions, and remains serious and focused, always wins respect and recognition, even if it is grudging. In order to gain respect in the public life, a woman must learn to say no. To many things. She might not get as far as fast as her more unscrupulous sisters, but her success would be real. As for me, to all who praise me and pity me, I may be innocent and too kind, but I am not a victim,and would bbe against my self respect to be protrayed as one. I like according to what my values, and have no time for regrets.