Picture this: A hot Lahore forenoon in July, Main Market, Gulberg, one of the poshest areas. I get out of my car to go to the ATM machine, my son and I are going to do some shopping. Actually I am, he just likes to tag along. I love him for tagging along. Just next to the machine in the veranda, two boys, seeming to be street urchins, are sleeping on an old foam mattress that has lost its cover. I looked at them, i looked at my son in the car, wearing his nightsuit and waiting for me in the air-conditioned car while he played some game on a Samsung Note phone. And yes, apart from all disparities, he is fair, and the urchins are brown, with sun bleached blonde hair. I didn't like it. I felt guilty. Now if i were to follow the usual political rhetoric, which is reflected in wearing of khaddar, establishing it war bazaars and turning off ACs in offices to show solidarity with the plight of the poor, in vogue in Pakistan, me and my son would come out of the car and stand in the heat with these guys and postpone our shopping plans. But would it help them? No. Neither would it if i gave them some money and got rid of my guilt. The charity would help them for some time, but would not take them out of this vicious circle of poverty. What we need in our country is not superficial acts of charity to give impressions of caring, but a system that throws a lifeline to the poor to get out of poverty with their own efforts.
I , perhaps cruelly, and certainly not respecting their privacy, took their picture and posted it on twitter, calling for a safety net for such children. it got lots of response, but one comment hurt and revolted me to my core. Somebody wrote, Rab di Marzi, or that it is as Allah has willed. It is the same mentality that feeds the above superficial acts. It is engendered by the erroneous belief that somebody who is born at a particular class is supposed to remain there because he was born there through the will of God. And, as good muslims, we are supposed to surrender to His will and not try to change things too much. This attitude is in itself tragic. It makes us take the opium of acceptance, and prevents us to make an effort to change even the things that can be changed. As Muslims, we are supposed to accept the things we cannot change as the will of God, but we are exhorted to make efforts to change the things that we can. In fact, it is our duty as muslims to struggle to put things right. If we recall, it is called Jihad, and is one of the pillars of Islam. It is this effort to create a more equitable society that Jihad envisages, not terrorism .
Now whose responsibility is to establish a more equitable society? Individual effort definitely counts, but it is the State which has to do this huge task, because it taxes us and then decides where to spend its revenues. Right now, whatever efforts are being made at State level are in the old mode of giving charity, subsidies, and short term relief to the poor. Very little effort is there for creating an enabling environment for them to get out of poverty through their own efforts, learning some self respect and gaining confidence along the way. But we are ignoring our children the most. We have so many young people, and we need to very quickly devise a system, a safety net to enable them to get out of poverty and illiteracy. The answer is in giving street children access to education, nutrition and skills to get them off the streets and into educational institutions, and then to workplaces. Our children are the future and we can jump start progress by investing in them. A mega project that funds such a safety net for our young people is much more valuable for us than brick and mortar. This is the real will of God. This is what He enjoined us to do.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Friday, June 10, 2016
The Lost Generation
The name of this blog post seems a bit cliched. Im not talking about the lost generation of the American history . I use this cliched phrase because it is the name of one of my worst nightmares.
The existence of such a feeling began for the first time a few years ago, when we were recruiting some people for an energy sector organization. I was responsible for these recruitments and was a panelist. We usually like to say in our public discussions that we have lots of talent but our youth has no opportunity for employment. However, the young people we were interviewing had serious deficiencies in knowledge, understanding ,expression, work ethics. Most of them were not worthy of being employed. That evening when I drove back home, I noticed for the first time the pursuits of people in our streets. Usually idling, gossiping, or doing work without much interest, not able to make a success of what they were doing, and our young people, not adequately educated, lacking exposure and knowledge, many of them unemployable.
Everywhere I go, I meet young people like this. Lacking adequate education, weak ethics, weaker work ethic and motivation. Listlessness and lack of belief in their own ability to make things change. But we have used the earlier generation at the alter of expediency, of jingoism, of vested interest. They have not done well.
Last night, I was watching tv and there flashed names of young men who, in the nineties, were responsible for political shootings. They had such illustrious names: Naveed Nusrat, Minaj Qazi, Saulat Mirza, Mustafa. Surely their educated parents spent a lot of time to give their children meaningful names and did not foresee the future that would befall their sons. These are just a few. In the name of ideology, in the name of Jihad, in the name of social norms, our young people have been used and abused. Their minds have been played with so much that this generation finds it difficult to believe in anything, even themselves and their ability to control their lives. Why should they? Can we even decide whether a crime is a crime or not or where and when in our history should we start holding people accountable? when the normal definitions of right and wrong seem to blur and merge more and more as we progress to the higher echelons of society, how can we expect our young people to find their way out of this labyrinth of life? The only thing that holds a person together in adversity as well as in times of fortune, is belief and values, ethics, which one holds on to as the winds of upheaval blow. What do our young people have to hang on to? what kind of lives have they seen their elders live? what kind of social values have they grown up with? Only and only hypocricy, selfishness, twisting what is right to make it wrong just to suit people who have might? They have not learnt indolence on their fathers knee, they have learnt how to be a sponge, how to prey upon your near and dear ones instead of pulling your own weight and being proud of it. They have learnt self abasement and sycophancy, not self respect and respect for difference of opinion. They have seen brain washing and indoctrination without question, not tolerance and quest for real knowledge ,which starts with a question, not acquiescence .
So we have fifteen year old boys, beautiful , brawny, blonde, bursting with vitality, leading terrorist attacks in Charsadda, rather than leading a hockey or football match in high school, or doing charity work during school breaks, like my fifteen year old daughter does. There is a disparity of class and what a child from a specific family background can expect from life in our country. They are taught at the outset not to presume to be equal. Then why should they not be listless and slackers? they cannot be sure if they have a level playing field. And they are right. They don't. Unless we give them one, we will keep churning out multitudes of such directionless people. We say we have a huge youth bulge with great opportunities fro growth. But what we consider gold is turning into dust before our eyes.
The existence of such a feeling began for the first time a few years ago, when we were recruiting some people for an energy sector organization. I was responsible for these recruitments and was a panelist. We usually like to say in our public discussions that we have lots of talent but our youth has no opportunity for employment. However, the young people we were interviewing had serious deficiencies in knowledge, understanding ,expression, work ethics. Most of them were not worthy of being employed. That evening when I drove back home, I noticed for the first time the pursuits of people in our streets. Usually idling, gossiping, or doing work without much interest, not able to make a success of what they were doing, and our young people, not adequately educated, lacking exposure and knowledge, many of them unemployable.
Everywhere I go, I meet young people like this. Lacking adequate education, weak ethics, weaker work ethic and motivation. Listlessness and lack of belief in their own ability to make things change. But we have used the earlier generation at the alter of expediency, of jingoism, of vested interest. They have not done well.
Last night, I was watching tv and there flashed names of young men who, in the nineties, were responsible for political shootings. They had such illustrious names: Naveed Nusrat, Minaj Qazi, Saulat Mirza, Mustafa. Surely their educated parents spent a lot of time to give their children meaningful names and did not foresee the future that would befall their sons. These are just a few. In the name of ideology, in the name of Jihad, in the name of social norms, our young people have been used and abused. Their minds have been played with so much that this generation finds it difficult to believe in anything, even themselves and their ability to control their lives. Why should they? Can we even decide whether a crime is a crime or not or where and when in our history should we start holding people accountable? when the normal definitions of right and wrong seem to blur and merge more and more as we progress to the higher echelons of society, how can we expect our young people to find their way out of this labyrinth of life? The only thing that holds a person together in adversity as well as in times of fortune, is belief and values, ethics, which one holds on to as the winds of upheaval blow. What do our young people have to hang on to? what kind of lives have they seen their elders live? what kind of social values have they grown up with? Only and only hypocricy, selfishness, twisting what is right to make it wrong just to suit people who have might? They have not learnt indolence on their fathers knee, they have learnt how to be a sponge, how to prey upon your near and dear ones instead of pulling your own weight and being proud of it. They have learnt self abasement and sycophancy, not self respect and respect for difference of opinion. They have seen brain washing and indoctrination without question, not tolerance and quest for real knowledge ,which starts with a question, not acquiescence .
So we have fifteen year old boys, beautiful , brawny, blonde, bursting with vitality, leading terrorist attacks in Charsadda, rather than leading a hockey or football match in high school, or doing charity work during school breaks, like my fifteen year old daughter does. There is a disparity of class and what a child from a specific family background can expect from life in our country. They are taught at the outset not to presume to be equal. Then why should they not be listless and slackers? they cannot be sure if they have a level playing field. And they are right. They don't. Unless we give them one, we will keep churning out multitudes of such directionless people. We say we have a huge youth bulge with great opportunities fro growth. But what we consider gold is turning into dust before our eyes.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Just a Light Beating
Pakistan's descent into the dark ages seemed imminent with the statement by the islamic ideology council head Molana Shirani that a husband may give a light beating to his wife as and when required. While humankind has evolved to a stage where the lasting psychological and emotional scars inflicted by physical violence are known to most civilized societies, this is an interpretation based on tunnel vision , the only motivation being to maintain the social ascendancy of the man over the woman in Pakistani society.
Now this approach has a number of aspects and implications. First, what constitutes a slight beating. depending upon the girth and size of both partners, it can be an unequal match mostly. But the more important question is, why should any of the partners need to resort to violence, albeit light, to get their way in a marital relationship. This reflects the ascendance of the man who can punish the woman as and when he feels right. If the concept of light beating is incorporated in the law, it will again establish the principle of the man's ascendancy in the relationship in a physical way, calling into equation so many freedoms that the law presently gives to women in Pakistan. The whole issue revolves around the idea of an unequal relationship between man and woman. Why a relationship may be unequal is because physically she is weaker and he is supposed to take care of her. But taking care of a weaker family member does not mean being their master. We take care of our children and old parents, but if we use the ability to take care of them as an opportunity to wield power, then the unfairness begins. This paradigm becomes even more irrelevant as more and more women are financially independent and have more of sense of self than they used to. On the flip side, the woman also takes care of the man in many ways, but does that make her justified in trying to gain mastery over her mate? No. The only answer is an equal relationship, where both partners respect and love each other, wish each other the best and try to be partners in life, rather than adversaries or competitors . The only way to achieve such a partnership is to be fair to each other, communicate to each other, not that one partners keeps taking and the other keeps giving. Both need to be aware of and be willing to make an effort to give importance to the other's desires. such a meeting point only comes when there is respect in a relationship. One partner feeling entitled to beat the other is enough to destroy respect, affection and sharing in the relationship. Allowing men to feel entitled to light beating will just reinforce the concept of being master of the woman, throwing out of the window any chances of a mutually satisfying relationship. Considering how much importance is given to men and womens likes and dislikes while deciding marriages, the chances of being happy together are already rather slim.
The second implication of such a ruling is lack of communication in a marital relationship. How many times does a Pakistani man thinks of discussing with his life partner what her wishes and desires are? Usually its a monologue of what he wants. Many men think about asking and in their hearts their sole wish is to keep their woman happy, but our social norms inhibit his natural desire to make her wishes and thoughts important to him. It is the natural instinct for men and women to treat each other as companions and partners. That is what they were created for. However, our society scoffs at sensitive men, calling him hen pecked and so on. The concept of beating being permissible is again reinforcing this view of the man-woman relationship, which is unnatural and erroneous. It is not even Islamic. It is only an attempt to maintain the status quo and protect all the abusive men from law. Islam is not an unfair religion. It has not concept of papacy as rightly pointed out by some. However, the authority that such bodies wield allows them to affect our social fabric and to damage it in cases such as this one.
As the issue has been reduced to the supporters of the status quo against those who would change it, such as the Punjab and KP governments, Its time that the government thought about introducing women clerics, lawmakers and lawyers into these bodies, so that the ascendancy of one gender over the other in our social life is diluted. We need a system based on fairness and mutual respect.
Now this approach has a number of aspects and implications. First, what constitutes a slight beating. depending upon the girth and size of both partners, it can be an unequal match mostly. But the more important question is, why should any of the partners need to resort to violence, albeit light, to get their way in a marital relationship. This reflects the ascendance of the man who can punish the woman as and when he feels right. If the concept of light beating is incorporated in the law, it will again establish the principle of the man's ascendancy in the relationship in a physical way, calling into equation so many freedoms that the law presently gives to women in Pakistan. The whole issue revolves around the idea of an unequal relationship between man and woman. Why a relationship may be unequal is because physically she is weaker and he is supposed to take care of her. But taking care of a weaker family member does not mean being their master. We take care of our children and old parents, but if we use the ability to take care of them as an opportunity to wield power, then the unfairness begins. This paradigm becomes even more irrelevant as more and more women are financially independent and have more of sense of self than they used to. On the flip side, the woman also takes care of the man in many ways, but does that make her justified in trying to gain mastery over her mate? No. The only answer is an equal relationship, where both partners respect and love each other, wish each other the best and try to be partners in life, rather than adversaries or competitors . The only way to achieve such a partnership is to be fair to each other, communicate to each other, not that one partners keeps taking and the other keeps giving. Both need to be aware of and be willing to make an effort to give importance to the other's desires. such a meeting point only comes when there is respect in a relationship. One partner feeling entitled to beat the other is enough to destroy respect, affection and sharing in the relationship. Allowing men to feel entitled to light beating will just reinforce the concept of being master of the woman, throwing out of the window any chances of a mutually satisfying relationship. Considering how much importance is given to men and womens likes and dislikes while deciding marriages, the chances of being happy together are already rather slim.
The second implication of such a ruling is lack of communication in a marital relationship. How many times does a Pakistani man thinks of discussing with his life partner what her wishes and desires are? Usually its a monologue of what he wants. Many men think about asking and in their hearts their sole wish is to keep their woman happy, but our social norms inhibit his natural desire to make her wishes and thoughts important to him. It is the natural instinct for men and women to treat each other as companions and partners. That is what they were created for. However, our society scoffs at sensitive men, calling him hen pecked and so on. The concept of beating being permissible is again reinforcing this view of the man-woman relationship, which is unnatural and erroneous. It is not even Islamic. It is only an attempt to maintain the status quo and protect all the abusive men from law. Islam is not an unfair religion. It has not concept of papacy as rightly pointed out by some. However, the authority that such bodies wield allows them to affect our social fabric and to damage it in cases such as this one.
As the issue has been reduced to the supporters of the status quo against those who would change it, such as the Punjab and KP governments, Its time that the government thought about introducing women clerics, lawmakers and lawyers into these bodies, so that the ascendancy of one gender over the other in our social life is diluted. We need a system based on fairness and mutual respect.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
More Than A Woman
I still remember my father trying to instill in me the idea that I am equal to men, and that I can even surpass them. On the eve of my marriage, I remember my elder sister telling me that i should not only try to make my spouse happy, but also remember that he should make me happy too, that i should not forego my own happiness for the sake of somebody else. I have been reminded many times by my liberal and forward looking family that i was more than a girl, or a woman, i was a person. Of course, i grew up to be that, a person. With an identity of my own. Choices that were independent, and not dictated by anybody. But the more independence i sought, the more away I seemed to be from my life partner, who found it threatening, difficult to take in his stride, and he, like any other man, sought solace in people who were, and could be dependent on him. The more of a person i became, the more threatened my near ones became. More alienated, less sympathetic, less willing to help. Human nature is that one doesn't want to help somebody who seems ok, but thats how it is.
Being more than a woman, I feel, takes away the womanness in a woman. So I thought, rather than being weak and dependent on everybody, and being too compromised on independence, I could decide to be dependent on my children and one man . Meaning for love, affection, attention, advice, support and collaboration, and help. That did not seem such a bad start, then my siblings came in also. But being in love and living for the one that she loves, comes naturally to a woman. There is no greater happiness than seeing your loved ones happy. Being a person takes away your selflessness, and takes away from your womanhood.
I have had the fortune to be with somebody who matters. Men seem to think that power and money matters. It does, a little, but it is not everything. It cannot make anybody fall in love with you. Atleast not me. I fall in love with a person, his qualities, abilities and attributes. Yes it is true that it takes a lot for me to be impressed. But I only appreciate personal attributes, never outer trappings. If a persons exceptional personality makes him or her stand out in life and achieve something, so be it. And it is true that ones exceptional character does help one achieve in life. So it just happens that the one I love can be exceptional in other things too. If a person has trappings but no personal attributes , I would not be interested even if it was , name any handsome actor or rich man. I could never love somebody I could not respect, admire and adore, and who does not love me back.
I wish I did not face this dilemma , of holding a balance between being a woman and an independent person. Yet i face it everyday.But I cannot stop being a woman, and i cannot stop being independent. I love both. The scales balance someday, some days they don't. But I like this.
Being more than a woman, I feel, takes away the womanness in a woman. So I thought, rather than being weak and dependent on everybody, and being too compromised on independence, I could decide to be dependent on my children and one man . Meaning for love, affection, attention, advice, support and collaboration, and help. That did not seem such a bad start, then my siblings came in also. But being in love and living for the one that she loves, comes naturally to a woman. There is no greater happiness than seeing your loved ones happy. Being a person takes away your selflessness, and takes away from your womanhood.
I have had the fortune to be with somebody who matters. Men seem to think that power and money matters. It does, a little, but it is not everything. It cannot make anybody fall in love with you. Atleast not me. I fall in love with a person, his qualities, abilities and attributes. Yes it is true that it takes a lot for me to be impressed. But I only appreciate personal attributes, never outer trappings. If a persons exceptional personality makes him or her stand out in life and achieve something, so be it. And it is true that ones exceptional character does help one achieve in life. So it just happens that the one I love can be exceptional in other things too. If a person has trappings but no personal attributes , I would not be interested even if it was , name any handsome actor or rich man. I could never love somebody I could not respect, admire and adore, and who does not love me back.
I wish I did not face this dilemma , of holding a balance between being a woman and an independent person. Yet i face it everyday.But I cannot stop being a woman, and i cannot stop being independent. I love both. The scales balance someday, some days they don't. But I like this.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Love Is
When I was a young girl, I read somewhere that Love is not only looking at each other, love is looking together in the same direction. I thought this must be true, seemed like a reasonable definition of similar dispositions enjoying a quiet life together, looking in the same directions, having the same world view and plans for the future, and living together because they are no conflicts. All my life I looked for this kind of an understanding, and in the process, made lots of friends. Because, this approach makes friends, and friendships have all these ingredients: they have fun together too. But friendship is not love. Whatever people say, friendship is NOT love. Somebody was saying love is friendship set on fire. I was forced to discard this mumbo jumbo when I fell in love a few years ago. And now all I can say is, you are lucky if you can be friends with your love, but you can love somebody more than life itself and not be friends with him. So I have clarified what love isn't. More difficult to define what love actually is.
Love is basic,love is instinctual, love is primal. It has to do with skin, smell, taste,chemistry, heartbeat going at 100 miles an hour when you see or touch each other. It has to do with wanting to be around that person all the time, seeing each other every day, hearing his voice in the silence of your loneliness, imagining his touch and not wanting to be touched by any other, even if he cannot . It is feeling as if there is no difference between your body and his, feeling as if he belongs only and only to you, whether he has given you this right or not. Love does not wait for permissions, It swoops and takes hold of you, and makes you do unimaginable things to be with the one you love. It makes you drive to where he is when you cannot even walk. It is the feeling of murderous rage at even the thought of him or her being or even wanting to be with somebody other than you. None of it is explained, none of it has a reason. The only reason is that you love him or her.
Love is the feeling that you cannot go on without your beloved. It is the feeling that tells you that everything is incomplete without that person. Friendship blossoms when you are similar and have similar goals, but love makes you want to change to be what your beloved likes you to be. It is wanting everything he wants, being everything he wants, and being happiest when you fulfill any wish or desire that he has, and to see him or her happy, glowing and satisfied with you, and holding you in good esteem. All you want to see is love in the eyes of your beloved for you, and you need the love and support of your beloved at each step you take, every endeavour you make in life , in things that are important to you. And you think the world of your beloved, in your eyes he can do no wrong, even if he does, it doesn't seem that wrong!
It is anger too, when attention and affection are denied, if he or she questions why you seem to think they belong to you. It takes the form of fights and tiffs if you cannot spend as much time with each other as you like, or you feel you cannot do enough to make your beloved happy. You so want to make each other happy it makes you cry when you can't. Because. What makes her happy makes you happy too. You will steal, you will lie, you will take risks, because ...you cannot live without each other.
If you cannot identify with the above, you are not in love with the person you are with. If you can, this is what love is. Enjoy and try to make it last. It is more important than anything you have or can hope to achieve in life. It is worth that much.
Love is basic,love is instinctual, love is primal. It has to do with skin, smell, taste,chemistry, heartbeat going at 100 miles an hour when you see or touch each other. It has to do with wanting to be around that person all the time, seeing each other every day, hearing his voice in the silence of your loneliness, imagining his touch and not wanting to be touched by any other, even if he cannot . It is feeling as if there is no difference between your body and his, feeling as if he belongs only and only to you, whether he has given you this right or not. Love does not wait for permissions, It swoops and takes hold of you, and makes you do unimaginable things to be with the one you love. It makes you drive to where he is when you cannot even walk. It is the feeling of murderous rage at even the thought of him or her being or even wanting to be with somebody other than you. None of it is explained, none of it has a reason. The only reason is that you love him or her.
Love is the feeling that you cannot go on without your beloved. It is the feeling that tells you that everything is incomplete without that person. Friendship blossoms when you are similar and have similar goals, but love makes you want to change to be what your beloved likes you to be. It is wanting everything he wants, being everything he wants, and being happiest when you fulfill any wish or desire that he has, and to see him or her happy, glowing and satisfied with you, and holding you in good esteem. All you want to see is love in the eyes of your beloved for you, and you need the love and support of your beloved at each step you take, every endeavour you make in life , in things that are important to you. And you think the world of your beloved, in your eyes he can do no wrong, even if he does, it doesn't seem that wrong!
It is anger too, when attention and affection are denied, if he or she questions why you seem to think they belong to you. It takes the form of fights and tiffs if you cannot spend as much time with each other as you like, or you feel you cannot do enough to make your beloved happy. You so want to make each other happy it makes you cry when you can't. Because. What makes her happy makes you happy too. You will steal, you will lie, you will take risks, because ...you cannot live without each other.
If you cannot identify with the above, you are not in love with the person you are with. If you can, this is what love is. Enjoy and try to make it last. It is more important than anything you have or can hope to achieve in life. It is worth that much.
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Distance & Despair
In recent years suicides are being reported more and more in the media. It usually used to be men and women resorting to suicide due to financial problems and poverty. While it was a vivid reflection on the inadequacy of our economic system to provide enough opportunities for livelihood to our poor, it was only an indicator of poverty leading to despair and suicide. In recent days and months , however, incidents of suicide of young boys and girls, teenagers to be precise, are being reported, which is an alarming indicator of a deteriorating society. The overwhelming reason for these suicide is distance, alienation and pressure from their own parents, their own families. For me, economic or administrative problems, are less dangerous. they can be checked by the government or non government organizations, but problems that have to do with the society are deeper, more pervasive, and more dangerous to our collective well being. The crumbling relationships between children and parents in our society, is a fast creeping illness that is rotting our social structure.
Earlier in older times, few people left the social structure or did anything which was an anomaly to it, the men enjoying more freedom in their actions but still bound by social norms. The generations in the 70s and my generation who grew up in the 90s, were exposed to different thoughts and possibilities for alternate lifestyles. But the Millennium Children are exposed more and more to western ways of behaviour, and are encouraged to think and question what their parents want them to do and how they want to behave. The parents themselves are now caught between the new and the old, and feel pressured to be the symbols of values that they felt their parents to be, but unable to be such paragons and unable to transfer those values to their kids because they themselves have confused views of these and their own roles. They do not have the lifestyles their own parents had so the kids are emulating different models. The parents don't like how their children are behaving by emulating them. The kids want discussion. The parents don't feel bound to do so under traditional norms But have no choice due to the newfound freedoms and exposure that cannot be denied to kids now. The parents do not want to qualify their actions to their children. They don't want to recognize that their children are individuals and have their own rights and problems of their generations and they might need to discuss these with their parents. They do not want to recognize that their children view themselves through the lens of their parents opinion of them, and their words, and need to know that they are loved and accepted with all their shortcomings. And the parents feel justified not to recognize this. Their parents never did all that. So they themselves have no example to follow in such situations. They simply don't know how to let down their guard and engage their kids on a human level. So the distance grows each day, and the despair of the teenager, going through the sensitive years of identity crisis, grows deeper. It is this disconnect which leads parents of suicides to declare that their children have not killed themselves, it is an accident or a murder. Even in death, they remain in denial of how their child felt. And their own role in pushing him off the brink.How could he kill himself? I gave him everything. The new paradigm of materialism which has creeped into our relationships. What we don't realize is that Things never make up for love, they can only compensate for a time. The present crisis is of today's parents more than their children. They need to break free of this tussle between the old and the new, select a way of life, and be the example that their children can emulate. Accept their shortcomings, and feel them your own so that they can accept them.The distance between God and Man is impossible, who loves us more that 70 mothers. the closeness between the parent and child, should atleast be one seventieth of this closeness. The love of one mother atleast.
Earlier in older times, few people left the social structure or did anything which was an anomaly to it, the men enjoying more freedom in their actions but still bound by social norms. The generations in the 70s and my generation who grew up in the 90s, were exposed to different thoughts and possibilities for alternate lifestyles. But the Millennium Children are exposed more and more to western ways of behaviour, and are encouraged to think and question what their parents want them to do and how they want to behave. The parents themselves are now caught between the new and the old, and feel pressured to be the symbols of values that they felt their parents to be, but unable to be such paragons and unable to transfer those values to their kids because they themselves have confused views of these and their own roles. They do not have the lifestyles their own parents had so the kids are emulating different models. The parents don't like how their children are behaving by emulating them. The kids want discussion. The parents don't feel bound to do so under traditional norms But have no choice due to the newfound freedoms and exposure that cannot be denied to kids now. The parents do not want to qualify their actions to their children. They don't want to recognize that their children are individuals and have their own rights and problems of their generations and they might need to discuss these with their parents. They do not want to recognize that their children view themselves through the lens of their parents opinion of them, and their words, and need to know that they are loved and accepted with all their shortcomings. And the parents feel justified not to recognize this. Their parents never did all that. So they themselves have no example to follow in such situations. They simply don't know how to let down their guard and engage their kids on a human level. So the distance grows each day, and the despair of the teenager, going through the sensitive years of identity crisis, grows deeper. It is this disconnect which leads parents of suicides to declare that their children have not killed themselves, it is an accident or a murder. Even in death, they remain in denial of how their child felt. And their own role in pushing him off the brink.How could he kill himself? I gave him everything. The new paradigm of materialism which has creeped into our relationships. What we don't realize is that Things never make up for love, they can only compensate for a time. The present crisis is of today's parents more than their children. They need to break free of this tussle between the old and the new, select a way of life, and be the example that their children can emulate. Accept their shortcomings, and feel them your own so that they can accept them.The distance between God and Man is impossible, who loves us more that 70 mothers. the closeness between the parent and child, should atleast be one seventieth of this closeness. The love of one mother atleast.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Understanding
I have been away for nearly a month. I was ill and therefore distracted.Could not get to write what I am writing today, though i have been thinking about it in bits and pieces for the past month. Perhaps my illness has given me more food for my thoughts in a way. They say that the secret of a happy relationship is understanding. Love, attraction,faithfulness, mutual trust and compassion cannot sustain without this crucial ingredient. Perhaps. Love and attraction, in my experience, can exist without any of the above feelings. But the rest are the result of understanding. It is true that one tries to make an effort in a relationship when one is in love and attracted, but unless there is trust and respect in a relationship, it cannot last. And of course trust and respect comes if you understand each other, your personalities, your quirks, your limits and your temperaments, and know in your hearts that you like each others traits and beliefs and identify with each other.
Opposites attract in many cases, but basic similarities in natures are important for understanding and adjustment. This creates trust, respect, belief in each other and a willingness to accommodate each other, to share and support each other to achieve separate and mutual dreams and goals, and mutual forgiveness. True understanding is to understand that we are both human with shortcomings, and to keep forgiving each other when we might fall short of each other's expectations.
When a relationship starts, the man wants to impress a woman, and to keep her impressed as long as he can. A woman wants to bedazzle and bewitch a man, and keep him besotted as long as she can. The man wants to keep seeing the admiration in a woman's eyes that he saw at the outset when he first caught her attention, and the woman wants to keep seeing the lovestruck look in his eyes when he first saw her. It is possible to continue it, but as an affair turns into a relationship and perhaps a marriage, the wear and tear of events that you face together, the good times and the bad that you see, dampen the ardor, the magic, the thrill of romance. The mundane takes over, leaving little time for intimacy and excitement. With understanding, with forgiveness and acceptance of each other's natures, and trust , is the only way the woman keeps believing her man is the hero she fell in love with, because however much h he tries to be the superman he wants to be in her eyes, he is human, and cannot win every battle, pass every test, cater to every whim of hers. But if she understands that he tried, if she knows in her heart that he loves her, if she sees that he wants her and cares for her, he will remain a hero in her eyes, the one she first thought was her brave superman. And if, while he might have gotten used to her beauty which might be fading a bit with time, her love and commitment to him and what he holds dear will still make him want her, and cherish her for the affection and happiness that she brings to his life.
Attraction and love are of course the basic ingredient of the relationship, but understanding and mutual forgiveness , and belief in each other, can make even each other's presence enough to rejuvenate and heal, as no medicines can. Few words are required, because the heart knows, and does not require explanations.
Opposites attract in many cases, but basic similarities in natures are important for understanding and adjustment. This creates trust, respect, belief in each other and a willingness to accommodate each other, to share and support each other to achieve separate and mutual dreams and goals, and mutual forgiveness. True understanding is to understand that we are both human with shortcomings, and to keep forgiving each other when we might fall short of each other's expectations.
When a relationship starts, the man wants to impress a woman, and to keep her impressed as long as he can. A woman wants to bedazzle and bewitch a man, and keep him besotted as long as she can. The man wants to keep seeing the admiration in a woman's eyes that he saw at the outset when he first caught her attention, and the woman wants to keep seeing the lovestruck look in his eyes when he first saw her. It is possible to continue it, but as an affair turns into a relationship and perhaps a marriage, the wear and tear of events that you face together, the good times and the bad that you see, dampen the ardor, the magic, the thrill of romance. The mundane takes over, leaving little time for intimacy and excitement. With understanding, with forgiveness and acceptance of each other's natures, and trust , is the only way the woman keeps believing her man is the hero she fell in love with, because however much h he tries to be the superman he wants to be in her eyes, he is human, and cannot win every battle, pass every test, cater to every whim of hers. But if she understands that he tried, if she knows in her heart that he loves her, if she sees that he wants her and cares for her, he will remain a hero in her eyes, the one she first thought was her brave superman. And if, while he might have gotten used to her beauty which might be fading a bit with time, her love and commitment to him and what he holds dear will still make him want her, and cherish her for the affection and happiness that she brings to his life.
Attraction and love are of course the basic ingredient of the relationship, but understanding and mutual forgiveness , and belief in each other, can make even each other's presence enough to rejuvenate and heal, as no medicines can. Few words are required, because the heart knows, and does not require explanations.
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