Understanding

I have been away for nearly a month. I was ill and therefore distracted.Could not get to write what I am writing today, though i have been thinking about it in bits and pieces for the past month. Perhaps my illness has given me more food for my thoughts in a way. They say that the secret of a happy relationship is understanding. Love, attraction,faithfulness, mutual trust and compassion cannot sustain without this crucial ingredient. Perhaps. Love and attraction, in my experience, can exist without any of the above feelings. But the rest are the result of understanding. It is true that one tries to make an effort in a relationship when one is in love and attracted, but unless there is trust and respect in a relationship, it cannot last. And of course trust and respect comes if you understand each other, your personalities, your quirks, your limits and your temperaments, and know in your hearts that you like each others traits and beliefs and identify with each other.
 Opposites attract in many cases, but basic similarities in natures are important for understanding and adjustment. This creates trust, respect, belief in each other and a willingness to accommodate each other, to share and support each other to achieve separate and mutual dreams and goals, and mutual forgiveness. True understanding is to understand that we are both human with shortcomings, and to keep forgiving each other when we might fall short of each other's expectations.
When a relationship starts, the man wants to impress a woman, and to keep her impressed as long as he can. A woman wants to bedazzle and bewitch a man, and keep him besotted as long as she can. The man wants to keep seeing the admiration in a woman's eyes that he saw at the outset when he first caught her attention, and the woman wants to keep seeing the lovestruck look in his eyes when he first saw her. It is possible to continue it, but as an affair turns into a relationship and perhaps a marriage, the wear and tear of events that you face together, the good times and the bad that you see, dampen the ardor, the magic, the thrill of romance. The mundane takes over, leaving little time for intimacy and excitement. With understanding, with forgiveness and acceptance of each other's natures, and trust , is the only way the woman keeps believing her man is the hero she fell in love with, because however much h he tries to be the superman he wants to be in her eyes, he is human, and cannot win every battle, pass every test, cater to every whim of hers. But if she understands that he tried, if she knows in her heart that he loves her, if she sees that he wants her and cares for her, he will remain a hero in her eyes, the one she first thought was her brave superman. And if, while he might have gotten used to her beauty which might be fading a bit with time, her love and commitment to him and what he holds dear will still make him want her, and cherish her for the affection and happiness that she brings to his life.
 Attraction and love are of course the basic ingredient of the relationship, but understanding and mutual forgiveness , and belief in each other, can make even each other's presence enough to rejuvenate and heal, as no medicines can. Few words are required, because the heart knows, and does not require explanations.

Territories

Human beings are only vessels. Flesh and blood. We ascertain our worth by what we own. What we achieve, what others appreciate us for. In our society, that is Pakistan, as in every inward looking society, we have a habit to hang on to things, to people, to our jobs, to our areas, we have difficulty moving from place to place, from work to work. It has a lot to do with how we are brought up. Ours is a society which thrives on the status quo. Where nothing happens. We are bred to hang on to things. This attitude reflects in our work ethic also. But more importantly, it is because we are insecure. Now who is insecure? the person who knows that he or she got things the wrong way. So they want to keep these things the wrong way too. In our society, things are crooked. The system does not facilitate progression through the right means. People in our country perceive that they will not be able to achieve things by sheer dint of hard work. They know that they will have to have"other" qualifications for the job, be it personal contacts, bribes, or any other thing. In a fair system, a person knows that if he or she does not get one good opportunity, they will get another. So there is no hanging on to things. But in an unfair system, they do not want to let go of the foothold that they have been able to get, because they are not sure whether they can manage other opportunities. So we see more politics than work in our offices, we see more feuds and conspiracies in families, and we see the inability to give up the personal good for the benefit of the greater good. This is because sacrifice is demanded of others, but not given ourselves when others demand it. Yet most of us do not realize that there is a higher power than us, which is God. We like to think that we can control outcomes, we can control others, we can destroy others. But many times, God gives the victims of our wrath better opportunities, better people, better lives, especially because they were conspired against, cheated, deceived and let down. But ultimate outcomes are not decided by us, things can and do go terribly wrong and we get trapped in the webs that we have spun for others. God is indeed the greatest conspirator of all. Territorial tendencies can only change if we start doing the right thing and being fair to others. This is especially true in public life. If people at the helm of affairs ensure FairPlay and transparency, territorial behavior will give way to acceptance of reform. By doing the right thing, we can convince others to follow and agree. If we as a society refuse to do that, individuals will continue to feel insecure and will endeavour to hang on to what they have by hook or crook. As long as the vessel holds, so does the desire to hold fast.

On the Birthday of the Prophet of Islam ( PBUH)

On the day the one who was declared rehemat ul Aalimeen by God himself, no other thought can be of anything else. Mercy, benevolence, Ehsan, which means favourite to others, charity,fairmindedness, and forgiveness even to the bitterest enemies are the qualities of the Prophet of Islam, Hazrat Muhammad. On his birthday, it seems sad that in the perception of many, his religion has become one of violence, vengeance , self righteousness and intolerance. It is amazing what muslims have made out of his teachings. Perhaps that is the result of illiteracy and poverty among the majority of Muslims in the world today .But then it is all the more a responsibility of educated Muslims to teach our children about the true spitit of Islam embodied by the prophet's personality. I named my only son Muhammad, because I thought that no name can be better than this name. Nobody could oppose our choice this time, but we got lots of criticism that naming the boy muhammad is a sort of disrespect , because when you will scold the boy, you will disrespect the name of the Prophet. I feel this response signifies muslims attitude towards the Prophet and their religion. Keep the Quran at a high place in silken covering and never open it or read it, so that no disrespect is made. What we forget is that religion and the Prophet are supposed to be close to us, part of our souls, as close to us as life is in our bodies.God is part of our bodies and souls. So why should we put it away, refrain from taking his name, lest we disrespect? This attitude has taken us away from God and the Prophet and we treat it as something separate from our usual life. That is not how it is meant to be. Educated Muslims like me, those who got a western education and had liberal upringing tend to gravitate towards western values. Yet it is possible to be liberal and embrace the teachings of Islam. The mistake is that we are taught that for is important. We wear turbans and other accouterments which is simply missing the point. What we need is to understand and follow the spirit of Islam embodied by the values of the prophet, not conform to traditions. Emulation of dress is good but the real issue is carrying his message and values forward. Charity has no shape, kindness has no form. Helping others is a feeling, and forgiveness has no procedure. It is relevant and acceptable to God in any outer form. We do not teach this to our children and only teach them rituals. They stand in milads and fatehas not realising that this is to be shared with others and why that is. For me, the best way to celebrate the prophet's birthday is to help others, give charity and be kind to people.If we can help somebody or forgive them on his birthday , and try to be more like him not in dress but in qualities, that is the kind of gift he would like from us today.

Compliments

Each time anybody gives me a compliment, I can have a variety of feelings. I can like it, I can dislike it. I can be elated, I can feel embarrassed or irritated. Or it might just make my day. It all depends on who said it, and how. All of us go through this gamut of feelings at different times, but we all like compliments. Why do we, by the way? I have often wondered why not do away with these niceties which waste our time and don't let us get to the point. A person as impatient as me would think so. Life for me is a series of urgent moments, all requiring immediate action. But compliments verbalize the exchange of a feeling between one human being to another, which is, you are valuable, you are important, you are wanted. This feeling of being wanted by another, or by other humans at large, is requirement that is central to the existence of every human being. Women try to get thin, get implants, dress up, make up, sound intelligent, and men make money, drive fast cars, attain power, wear designer ware, in order to be acceptable and in demand. This can take different forms according to the person or group that we are trying to impress, but thats what it is. All art, manners, politics, entertainment, is meant to please and interest as many other human beings as possible. We live through our relationships with others, and are enriched by them or destroyed by the lack of interest others take in us as viable partners, employees, commodities, etc. A compliment is a very small interchange between two human beings showing that one likes the other. Here lies the problem. If one does not like a person, one might not like the compliment, but one still does, as its an affirmation of one's worth. What matters more is how its put. If it highlights a quality we like about ourselves we love it, but if it points at one we don't, we shun the compliment. Better still, if it finds quality in us which we do not possess but would like to, that is the compliment we like most of all. Why should I compliment somebody, by the way? There are many among us who feel awkward giving compliments even if its well deserved. The motives for these can be manifold. We are not expressive and have not received compliments in our own early life. One learns to give love only when one has received it. or we don't want the person to get a bloated ego, or perhaps want to put him down a bit. So we withhold appreciation, hoping the person would wilt without it, as flowers do without sunshine. Or sometimes, we do not have enough self esteem to think that what we say will be significant for the other. Or, we are so proud that we think that we don't need to appreciate others.All appreciation should be only for us. Love and happiness, only increases if we give more of it to others. If we withhold appreciation it can only control others for a period of time. Then they will leave, looking for others who appreciate them. Insecurity can never be addressed like this. If we open our heart to others, they will love and value us, not because of our material attributes, but because we value them.

Expectations

I read somewhere that don't be surprised if somebody expects a lot from you. Perhaps they would do that much for you themselves, so they expect the same from you too. All of us have expectations from each other. Our expectations of others depend not only on our feelings for them , but also on the opinion we have about them. If we think that somebody is good or has good qualities we expect them to act accordingly. And if we do not have a good opinion of them we expect them to act in a certain way also , usually expecting them to act worse than they actually would perhaps. This is the basic gap between reality and expectations. It reflects the gap between our perception and reality.sometimes we perceive somebody to be better than who they are and sometimes worse than they are. Our perceptions also depend on our own personality and upbringing, and the biases and opinions we have accumulated. Our perception is always coloured by our values and biases , making us see things that sometimes exist or not. This gap leads us to have expectations which are not met and to make errors of judgement. The above is a nice scientific explanation of why there is a difference between our expectations and reality. But the pain and hurt that accompany the realization that a person was not what we thought he was can be devastating. It takes a long time to accept that what you saw and heard upon which you based your perception and expectations was wrong. You doubt your judgment and sometimes yourself for being so utterly mistaken. Now the flip side. Sometimes we think that we are giving concessions to people for their shortcomings but we forget to remember that they are also forgiving and accepting our shortcomings. We might be surprised that somebody did not treat us according to our expectations but maybe we disappointed them at some level too, which we don't think about as most of us perceive ourselves to be perfect. Which is never the case . It is not possible to have no expectations of anybody. That is the attitude of the pessimist. But it I always feel that it's better to give people the benefit of doubt and trust them to be good, rather than trust them to be bad. If you suspect or judge in relationships, you are reducing each other to enemies. Not friends. A positive outlook always brings out the best in people. Including yourself. And forgiveness helps us accept the infirmities of other. They might not come up to expectations sometimes, they are human and have other compulsions also. But many times they will and do surpass our expectations. It is good to remember that.

Here and there

I came to attend a conference in Rome this week. Ever the shopaholic, when I got free early one day i decided to explore the beautiful city on foot as I rarely get to do that when i am with family. When you walk the streets and roads of a city, you get to know its true complexion and its people. The romans are very civilized but not chummy. This is true of all europeans. But I want to write about an encounter i had with an Indian. Near Palazzo Montecitorio, I stopped by a cafe to have lunch. I saw an Indian waiter bring my order. When one is abroad, Indians and Pakistanis tend to be especially friendly with each other and we started chatting . I asked him where he was from and he replied east Punjab, Ambala to be precise, and was living here with his brother for the last 12 years. He asked me how long i was staying and i told him that i would return in two days, the same old issues waiting for me at home and work. He smiled and said this is the same for us. When we go home, family politics and demands meet us, and I have spent so much money on my family and still they are never happy. I spent so much money on building a house in my village and my parents live in it, it is of no use to me. If i had saved it I would have been able to set up my own business by now, instead of still working as a waiter even after twelve years. At this we both smiled, and I think we identified with each other. Across all divides, the family system in the subcontinent is more or less the same. There are many good things to be said about it, but it naturally creates a larger number of dependents in our families and discourages independence. Our society teaches us not to be selfish and take care of others, but it discourages us to carry our own weight and try to be independent and take care of oneself. We often see men or women taking turns to take care of the family. The father and then the son or a daughter, the ones who are able to do something in life. But there is no pressure on each of us to become independent and be on our own. Intact, the ones who are too lazy or unable to do anything are even more pampered by the families and there is additional pressure on the ones who make it in life to take care of those who do not. The reasons are that one is fortunate and the other is not. But nobody sees whether the allegedly unfortunate one made enough effort or not. The ones who are working hard are made to pay for the failures of their near and dear ones. I am not saying we should not help out, but this atmosphere of dependence makes many in our society feel they don't need an effort, their families are there to take care of them, find them a job, help them ahead. The worst thing is that if one refuses to help relatives beyond one's ability, all one gets are accusations and recriminations. There is so much social pressure on all of us that a lot that we do is according to what others want, without any desire to do so. And it never ends. It is good to be kind and generous to others, but it is also good to know when to stop and release oneself from unnecessary social pressures. We need to encourage our family members to be more independent and do things on their own.Independence teaches you self worth and self respect. Instead of mollycoddling the children the mothers should teach them to be on their own, take initiative and make decisions. And let them go at an early stage without agonizing about everything they say or do. Otherwise there will always be people from the subcontinent telling each other when they meet abroad, that they feel free and happier, not feeling like going home. Who wants to live in shackles?

High Temperatures in Lahore

I usually avoid political issues. My blog is not the place for it, my blog is about my personal thoughts on life. But how can I ignore it if there is an election going on where I live? Yes, I have the distinction of living in NA 122, the erstwhile constituency of Mr. Ayaz Sadiq, who is again fighting for his seat as well as his honour. As an assistant commissioner in Lahore in 2008, I used to think he was one of the finest and most dignified members of parliament that I ever came across, and I have come across many. I am sure he retains those qualities. Whatever happens in the elections, the campaign has crippled all normalcy in the area. The whole constituency has taken on the permanent look of a carnival. This is a mood that Lahorites thrive on. with the election due on sunday, the whole constutuency is pulsating with election fever. Lahore is a city given to extremes. Lahoris are characterized by their emotion, generosity, extreme friendliness and adaptability to different situations. They tend to have a que sera sera attitude about life and things in general, and like to enjoy the journey of life, with food, song,revelry, fine arts and following their own special cultural norms. Lahore is actually one city that never sleeps. The Lahore culture has evolved through its thousands of years history as a melting pot of races, cultures and a variety of rulers. An airhead female anchor on Dawn TV was declaring the PML N candidate as belonging to the Kashmiri clan today, while he belongs to one of the distinguished old families of Lahore who converted to Sikhism to Islam. Lahore opens its arms to everybody and assimilates them, as it has seen war, famine, upheaval and devastation through the centuries. upheavals have made them accepting, and whatever difficulties they have in life,they know how to keep the party on. They have an immense ability to enjoy themselves and help others. But there is a dangerous side to Lahorites. They do not like pride and arrogance.They do not like to be ignored. If one is haughty to them and treats them with contempt, they will tear you down.They are not people who will be fooled or cowed down. And they will like to be left alone and do their own thing, which may or may not be legal, but that is how they are. But if one is humble and accepting, Lahorites love you and will support you till their last breath. I think that since I was born in lahore, I can identify with their attitudes and share many of these too. However, I do not like their propensity to show off.They tend to go to any extremes. The Lahorites, infact the whole of Punjab, is guilty of the propensity to show off and spend money for effect and to impress others. All political parties seem to have given in to this propensity, for their primary ojective at the moment is to surpass each other in impressing the people of Lahore into voting for them. Nobody loves lavish shows like Lahore, and parties are giving them grand displays everywhere at the moment. Lahore has low tendency towards violence, therefore the campaign remains thankfully peaceful, despite the invective being spewed by all sides. Some of The most venomous politicians have gathered from all sides, and even PPP is hurling insults like never before. Despite the onset of autumn, this campaign has warmed the blood of every Lahorite.Whether the Lion breaks the bat in two, or the bat makes a cat out of the lion through hits, will be seen on sunday. But democracy will win hands down either way, dhandli(rigging) or no dhandli.