Come October

This weekend I watched, for the third time, one of my favourite movies" Come September". for the information of the younger crowd, its a fifties movie starring Rock Hudson and Gina Lolobrigida. The movie is about an American jet setting billionnaire who only finds time to meet his girlfriend ,who lives in Italy, once a year, when he comes down to his villa in Liguria every September. His girlfriend is naturally unhappy at this arrangement and since she has many suitors, decides each year to leave him but then goes on waiting for him, but one year, she actually decides to marry another man in July. Out of the blue, the American reschedules his visit to July and calls her, but she refuses to take him back. By the end of the movie, she decides that " it is better to be unhappy with a man you love, rather than be happy with a man you dont love". She returns to him and they marry. This dialogue has intrigued me ever since I saw the movie for the first time as a teenager. Is one happier with a man that it is difficult to be with but whom one loves, or with one whom it is easier to be with, but one does not love? First of all, the universal truth is that it is impossible to feel happy with a man you dont love, whatever you do or he does. If you dont love a man, even if he gifts you diamonds you toss them aside, and instead run/drive/fly to be with somebody who will be busy on your birthday, forgets what you asked him to bring, and forgets to tell you how beautiful you look. But you see in his eyes how he feels about you, and your heart knows. And the woman will disregard all material possessions for the sake of one smile of his. No wonder men find women difficult to understand. Indeed, women are strange creatures. They will make any sacrifice for the man who makes them feel loved sincerely, but will not turn a hair for one who doesnt. They take pain, loneliness, humiliation, for the sake of a warm embrace. But why is it ok to do that for the right person? We do not know. Only the heart knows. Love itself is a painful emotion. The more you love somebody, the more you are prone to experience pain. The propensity to feel hurt , insecure, jealous, possessive, longing for him/her, and wanting to own, all increase in a person who is in love, man or woman. The words of a beloved, however innocently spoken, can be misunderstood and blown up to cause hurt and squabbles. It all stems from our desire to be the best and number one in the eyes of the one we love. This is true for males as well as females. But If you feel your partner is not as committed to the relationship as you are, your own interest flags. It feels natural to be important in your partners life and unnatural to be unimportant. So happiness in love, is a relative term. There are highs and lows, happiness and hurt. Love is not a stable emotion. So there are times when a couple will be happy together, and times when they will be unhappy together. But as long as they are together, joy will return, time after time, if they remain true to one another. But what makes one run from one person to another? What is the most attractive quality? Beauty, figure, age, money, power? and why does one stay? It is the trust that the other person will understand and support us, for whom its important what she wants, not only what he wants, the ability to be there for somebody,and who will like and wish us well, not resent one's success and good fortune. Who can rise above the self, love selflessly, and be happy only in the happiness of ones beloved. If a man or a woman is sure that they are loved selflessly, it doesnt matter if they dont do the rituals or go through public displays of affection . They will go on loving each other not only till September,but many Octobers.

Angst

On my way to Lahore this week, I noticed the light green leaves of the sisham trees turning red as autumn . Red seemed to be all around, a deep, burgundy red. Clothes, flowers, nailpaint, even the curtains of my bedroom. But I noticed as i entered my room that the dark mauve velvet chaise longue gives a lovely contrast to the red and off white colour scheme. It got there by chance, but today I see it as if for the first time. Caught up with the more striking red, I seldom noticed the mauve, but it was always there, a colour that I always loved, but never gave much thought. Today it makes me smile. It is not the colour of life,action and passion like red, but it is the colour of creativity and spirituality. Both are necessary for me. A life without spirituality and creativity, however passionate and driven, is only half lived. Creativity is the gift of God himself, but without drive,comes to nothing. One of my favourite stories about God's relationship with us is that in the Afterlife, a man is before God and asks him, that when i look back on my life path, I see two pairs of footprints. God says, they were yours and mine. The man asks, but at the most difficult periods of my life, I see only one pair. Where were you? God smiles and says, these were the times that I was carrying you. Its true that no human being can survive without God's help and guidance. Sometimes we are aware of how we are being guided, but mostly we are not. Focusing on the red, we forget that the mauve is infact ordained too. Yet sometimes, our belief system makes us forget about our own responsibilities in life as we become too prone to leave things to God. That is one of the negative sides of our culture influenced partly by sufism. Most of us believe so strongly in the power of God to make things right that we forget to play our role, and fail to recognize that we are to act first, and only then leave the outcome to God. In our social as well as our professional intaractions, there is a phrase that I have come to hate: " That is how it is". If something is wrong, people are not interested in making it right, they just want to edge their way past the problem. They feel it is not their problem,not realizing, that a problem that affects enough individuals in a society affects everybody in the end. There are very few people that I have met who take things seriously and strive to make changes for the better.They are the ones who make a difference.It might not be ones own problem, but the ability to make things right for everybody through individual efforts, is what keeps a society together. We must be able to discern what is the will of God, and what are the problems brought about by human selfishness, injustice and lack of effort. A little angst is good for oneself and everybody else.Angst means to worry, to be worried about possible outcomes and pitfalls in any situation. It is a German word, and describes very well the temperament of the German people. Angst makes them self possessed, cautious, well prepared and hard working.They leave little to chance.They work hard to keep the undesirable outcomes at bay. And consequently they are one of the most advanced nations of the world. I have never seen a successful person who is not careful, not well prepared and who leaves things to chance. To believe makes us strong to weather storms, but working to prepare for those storms is the result of angst. Angst drives us to action, and to take things seriously. How one balances the angst and to be able to surrender to God is crucial for success and peace of mind. Like this room, perhaps three parts red in life is offset beautifully with one part mauve.

Jealousy

Jealousy is a potent emotion. It revvs up our engine and motivates us to compete and get ahead of others. It makes us adopt unscrupulous methods to beat people that we are jealous of, human beings lie, cheat, conspire and even shed blood out of jealousy. It can rouse a person out of a sickbed and forge ahead, powered only by the hatred of the people he or she is jealous of. Among lovers, it can get even more dangerous. Killing a lover or spouse out of jealousy might be a commonplace happening, but it is a very real emotion within every human being, and does not bode well for the person himself or for others around him if it rears its ugly head. We have graduated to be civilized in some regions of the world, and instead of murder, leaving the person , perhaps noisily,is the preferred choice of civilized, rational human beings. But this emotion is the antithesis of reason. Im sure all of us have felt jealous of somebody at some point in our lives. The one who says i have never been jealous, is a liar. Jealousy drives people to keep on harming people who want to have nothing to do with them, to keep stalking and be curious about them long after the severing of ties. The innate desire to make a person fall, suffer, be humiliated, and to show themselves to be better than him all arises out of jealousy. But I think that , and my readers are free to enlighten me if im wrong, that jealousy itself arises out of the pain of feeling small, unwanted, inadequate, unloved and insecure of one's own ability to be good enough. Sometimes such people make a career out of trying to mitigate their own shortcomings by pulling others down which they feel are better than them, get more attention and love. But i have a question. Does pulling one down make oneself feel any better in comparison? I dont think so. At best, it can only give momentary satisfaction that is destructive for ones own being. And the end of it is always self defeating. Because jealousy is only an inverted desire to be loved and wanted. Jealousy instead of drawing people closer, draws them even further apart. Jealousy in our society has become the most motivating emotion in my opinion. We find ourselves inadequate in many ways and the more we are unable to achieve ourselves, the more we talk against others and connive to bring them down to the same level. We sometimes joke among colleagues that in the public sector, nobody is interested in work or doing a good job, but all are very good at politics and only concerned with what others are doing and how to pull them down. perhaps the private sector is like that too, i have no experience of it. Maybe our attitudes at large have to do with how we are brought up. Nuclear families have less family politics but joint families have a lot of it. In joint families there are a number of dependents who dont do anything and live off the pleasure of their elders. in nuclear families the people are more independent and consequently have less need of politics to get what they want. So what we learn at home we reflect in our behaviour out in the world too. It could vary in rural or urban settings. But jealousy/envy has captured our national psyche like nothing else. And its a destructive emotion. How we can get out of this vicious circle beats me. Perhaps if we became more independent and judge less on everything but our work ethic, jealousy could also become less active or atleast more in check. Playing straight is a difficult thing to teach and more difficult to learn where there are so many opportunities to be crooked.

A day in the life of a woman in public life

I got a rare comment last week praising me. Im not used to praise, but more to accusations, slander, character assasination. It made me think, i wonder if people realize how it is for a woman who ventures out of the house to work, to prove herself, to do her bit in public life? Perhaps we all do, at some level of consciousness. More and more women aree now working in Pakistan. Women in the office space are not an anomlay anymore. But women in positions of real authority are still few. Especially in public life. to some extent, they are to blame themselves for it. When they go out for work, instead of leaving the woman in them at home and bringing only the professional at work, they bring the mother, the wife, the woman and in some extreme cases even the femme fatale to the workplace. They look for concessions as women, want the easy way out, and as I see these days, fall into the trap of flirting and being seduced on their way to what they think is the top, but usually turns out to be nowhere. That is there, and such females ruin it for others, who want to be taken seriously and respected for their work and ability, rather than what they can offer otherwise. They encourage stereotypes, and people expect every woman who steps out of her house to work, to be open to suggestion. So much for the ones who use their gender( I wont use the other word) for advancement. They live their lives and make choices knowingly. My concern is the women who dont want to use feminine wiles to get ahead. Who want to prove their mettle through work and surpass the men. And believe me, most of the working woman want that. When i was studying and had aspirations as a professional, I wanted to do well in my work, develop a serious work ethic, and of course, being the feminist, be better than the men. With effort and gods help, I became that. joined a service where I worked constantly with men only and proved my capability and grit among them. I thought the story would end there. It didnt. I realized that as i did better and got to good positions, my colleagues would attribute every reason to my success but my cappability. They just wouldnt believe it. When it became too obvious, they would backbite and be mean. In an effort to be professional, I tried, and still try, to be a bit reserved until i get to know anybody. I see that men take this as an offence that why a woman who isnt bad looking, wont come to their office to butter them up. And if she is being friendly and nice, why it isnt leading to anything else. After many bitter experiences of having to shake people off very rudely, I just dont engage in conversation after a certain level. One would think it would end here. The self respecting ones understand and distance themselves, while the others become mean and start conniving. For a woman in public life, life is tough. From the moment you get out of your car, you are the center of intense attention from all males, high and low, and of course most of the male help think it is good measure to hum songs when they pass a woman. With the passage of time of course, they learn not to dare. But it takes lots of curtness from the woman. I do not like to be rude, but i have to be. If im not, they will be all over the place. So i would rather be known as rude than as that"chick who laughs a lot". Atleast when i speak, they listen. Dress is a major factor. the more you cover yourself, the more respectable you seem in their eyes. I thought it didnt matter if i was ok myself, but realized at my cost that our males are too backward in the public domain. A woman has to be either extreemely ugly or suitably covered to command respect. Then there are the ones who would not give up on getting ones attention. they wait for the time when you might need anything form them and they can use the task to get friendly. This kind sometimes creates problems for women just so that they can help them later and then get lucky. What i have learnt is, the less favours a woman takes, the safer she is. favours cost too dearly at times. I am in no way condemning men and women who find love at the workplace. Meeting somebody and liking somebody is a different thing, but using ones powers to get a woman's attention forcibly through incentive or harrassment is a crime. It should be discouraged at every level. But male chauvinism refuses to recognize or to confront such patterns of behaviour. My only reactions to such people is that if they wait for this woman to ask for favours, they will be waiting forever. I would rather not have things than to expose myself to such behaviour. All said and done, If a woman is good at her work, doesnt take undue favours and concessions, and remains serious and focused, always wins respect and recognition, even if it is grudging. In order to gain respect in the public life, a woman must learn to say no. To many things. She might not get as far as fast as her more unscrupulous sisters, but her success would be real. As for me, to all who praise me and pity me, I may be innocent and too kind, but I am not a victim,and would bbe against my self respect to be protrayed as one. I like according to what my values, and have no time for regrets.

HONOUR

The other day I was watching tv and a lawyer who had gone to Kasur was speaking about what she had learnt there. What stopped the people from coming forward earlier? They felt they would lose their honour or IZZAT if they did. This is not the first time i have heard this. All of us in Pakistan, the subcontinent, have been hearing this since childhood. Something bad happens to you, especially if it is related to females and to matters which are considered taboo, like rape, molestation, insult and even injustice, one is supposed to hide it, one is supposed to feel ashamed of oneself, not feel enraged and justified to avenge oneself against somebody. In the west, this is the favourite defense of the rapist. " she asked for it". We as a society seem to be enveloped in the same kind of denial based mentality. It is a society where the strong has the last word and the weak is supposed to spout the same propaganda,which puts all the blame on himself, not the wrongdoer. "you made me do this. " A patriarchical society runs on this mindset. The wrong doer is thus absolved of any responsibility of his actions and the victim is made to feel ashamed so that he or she would remain quiet and not demand justice. A harrasser , a rapist, an exploiter,a criminal, a wife beater, an abuser, remain free from blame not through poking dust in the eyes of the law, but through this social arrangement, this social contract whereby evil is allowed to perpetuate and the good is silenced. Over the ages, this conspiracy of silence has eaten away at the fabric of our society and is slowly making it die. Our problems as a nation are basically of social deterioration. we as a society are slowly dying. That is what happens to people who embrace lies and shun the truth. I have always wondered since I was a child, how and where did our society become so hypocritical. We tell lies, we live lies, we pretend to be what we are not and dare not express what we actually are. A woman is harrassed, a child is molested, a woman is beaten, a servant is mistreated, but they are all supposed to keep quiet, because if they tell others what happened to them they cannot expect sympathy or help. they can expect jeers, ridicule, humiliation. That is why people are content to live a life of pretention, false honour and false pride, rather than become vulnerable to the heckling of society. Perhaps we all know in our hearts how helpless we all are in our own lives, but learn to hide it early, so we enjoy it more when somebody eles weakness is exposed. Perhaps it gives us a chance to feel better in comparison. We wear these masks and feel that nobody can see our sadness, our pain, our helplessness and cowerdice. Cruelty is the attribute of the coward. All brave people I have met in my life, are essentially kind. And all kind people I have met, are essentially brave. Kindness and bravery seem to go hand in hand. No wonder that this nation of cowards is so cruel, its sense of right and wrong so skewed. What they do not dare to change, they learn to invert and internalize. Perhaps that is why we are so preoccupied with honour, or retaining the pretense of it, however skewed. Everybody likes to pretend to be what they want to be if they cannot be that in reality. We know in our hearts that we have no honour. Are we going to exist like this forever? This society cannot go on like this. there is a limit to rot also. The only way out for us is to speak the truth to ourselves, and to each other. If we face things, we can change them.

A State That Cares

Much has been written about the Kasur Tragedy in newspapers and media over the last one week. No human being can deny the horror of the incident, in which a network of child abuse and the sale of its videos was unearthed. A number of myths were broken by this tragedy, one of them was the myth of rural areas being the hub of tradiditional values and simple living, while the fast growing urban areas were considered the cesspool of crime and the places where the erosion of our values was taking place. This incident shows that our rural areas are the breeding ground not only of inequality and injustice, but also of crime and depravity. It also shows that the erosion of values has been uniform in Pakistani society and that evil has no boundaries. Another reality unearthed is the superficiality of development and brought into sharp focus the lack of focus on rural development in our country, especially in the most developed province in the country. This incident and other like it, are symptoms of a grater and multifaceted malaise that afflicts our society and State. Human depravity and evil has been there since the creation of humankind, and evil cannot be completely wiped out, only controlled to an acceptable extent, so that human beings can live comfortably in the society. That is the main aim of governance, and the focus of the state. However, no debate is going on about the disconnect between the requirements of the contemporary Pakistani society and the state mechanisms available on the ground. One of the major problems is that our successive governments have continued with the colonial structure of governance, which was designed to control the natives, not to serve them. Police was an instrument of control, not of social service. After independence we have continued to rely on the existing paradigms, but there is a strong need to enhance and build the capacity of social welfare and services, as well as having an independent and coherent structure of human rights protection at the grassroots level. this is non existent in our districts at the moment. There is no forum where a battered woamn, an abused child, or a bonded labourer can go to for the redressal of human rights violations. Ombudsman is not for this. Police does not have human rights abuse as a very high item on its list of priority. then where do the people who are victims of abuse and injustice, go? We do not know at the moment. It does not befit a government of a nation with the majority of its citizens young people, not to have a clue about this. It is correct that significant legislation regarding women, children, and disadvantaged segments of the society has not taken place, due to various controversies. Reform is a dirty word in this country so overwhelmingly controlled by the proponents of the statue quo. We need not only relevant legislation but also an effective implementation mechanism at the grassroots level. but how do we do it? the truth is, this deeply divided nation needs consensus on most issues. The doctrine of reconciliation was a breakthrough in our political thought. We have now progressed to consensus on democracy and security, and people talk about a consensus on economy also. However, we urgently need consensus on social freedom and justice. We need discussion and legislation on personal and collective freedoms and also the translation of this vision into well organized and responsive implementing agencies with some authority and teeth. it cannot be left to the police or handed over to the military. Both are neither permanent nor effective solutions. The government has to take the first steps to make our State metamorphose from a state that rules and dictates, to a state that cares about its people. After 69 years of independence, this metamorphosis is long overdue. We should remember and talk about transformation rather than the usual cliches on this independence day. Please dont wait for the youth to grow up and transform the State. Give it to them as a legacy so that they can grow up safe and out of harm's way. In the current climate it sounds like a utopian idea, but a beginning is necessary to reach the end of the journey.

Destiny

I am sitting in my room on my red velvet stool near the fireplace, there is no one here tonight but me. I remember the first time you called me in the evening three years ago. I was very upset that day and was crying after coming back from a party. I was unconsolable that night and felt I would die. Then suddenly the phone rang and it was you. I was surprised but felt happy to hear your voice. Somehow, ever since I first knew you, we have always been able to tell when the other is upset or perturbed, though we like to put up a brave front and downplay our problems with each other. Still, whenever I have been unhappy the thought that comes to mind is usually you. It was so easy to tell you whats wrong. It still is. The innate trust between us has seldom been shaken, if at all. You asked me how I were, and my hurts cascaded out of me. you consoled me in ur cute clumsey way, and told me stories about your keen observation and attention to detail. I was impressed, as I still am, (no mean achievement to be able to impress me by the way) and promised to call again. The begining of a long story. I look back now, and missing you tonight more than usual, because I need you to be with me. There are some people one meets in life who are meant to be there forever. They might come and go, the nature of relationships might evolve, but they are meant to be together. That is destiny. Destiny binds us to kindred souls who are like us and sense our feelings instinctively. In this chaotic world, this is God's gift to sustain us through life. Whether a child, sibling, friend or beloved, we cannot survive without our own set of kindred spirits. Through them God teaches us the secrets of life and its meaning, and also the lessons each of us need to learn. I used to scoff at the eastern concept of love before I met you. Grew up westernized, and to worship the ground your man walked on sounded like mumbo jumbo from Indian movies and totally against my feminist beliefs. I was totally into equal relationships. I dont know when this deep devotion creeped up on me. Suddenly like a vine entwining itself around a rough wall. I once said to a friend of mine, while trying to understand the dynamics of love, how can one fall in love in an arranged marriage. I got the reply, when he will love you, you will also fall in love. I got no such love the first time around, but now i think its true. One always loves the one who loves one, and vice versa. The sweet considerate things and rememberances have gotten the better of my tough soul. But I love your boldness the best. Love with a weakling must be a shame. I sometimes feel like a tamed shrew. But it is such a pleasure to love, respect and to be devoted to you.I have never looked back. And now I know that in the East, we do not love, we adore. The pitfalls of such adoration can be when ones sees the feet of clay. None of us is perfect, but I now know what a lady meant when, while describing her husband, once said to me, that he is not only whom I trust, he is my aqeeda( belief). When I think with my head, this still sounds a bit uncanny. I overanalyze what is only to be felt. I have attained the level of aqeeda and hope perhaps unreasonably, that I never see clay. Love is belief and clarity. When i question this state of being, My heart only answers, it was meant to be. In this velvet silence, I can feel the true form and shape of love. It is all around me.