A quiet evening Alone

Umar khayyam said, " a cup of wine, a loaf of bread, and Thou". Or something to this effect. To the civil servant careering after floods, disasters and diseases, or the mother chasing after kids ,a quiet evening alone is often a luxury. Tonight is such a luxurious one. However, the company of a loved one is not available today. Some people are afraid to be alone. I was a late child, my parents were too caught up in their mid life duties by then and my siblings were too old to give me commpany.So I developed the hobbies of a solitary child, reading, drawing, movies and music, and later painting and landscaping gardens,and ofcourse, cooking and experimenting with nearly all the major cuisines of the world. when I had a home of my own, I also indulged my love of the arts with a piano and interior decorating. Thus solitude has always been a welcome friend. I have always loved the feeling of touch, taste,smells and colours.I surround myself with them. Tonight it is too late to cook, so I settle for a leisurely bath with lavender incense. Its my favourite and infinitely relaxing. I even gift lavender products to my loved ones, so that i smell it on them when i snuggle up or hug them. My little Siamese, she is called margot by the way, follows me to every place in the house, trying to snuggle with me in the shape of a ball whenever I sit down. I bought flowers on my way home, and I listen to Chitra Singh as I arrange tuberoses , lillies, gladioli, and hothouse chrysanthemums in various vases around the house. Tonight i feel like doing more than read or watch tv..my cat walks on the piano and I think of playing it. Chopin? or no, lets try Mozart. One of my friends found a Mozart music book in London for me on a holiday, for which I am grateful. It is Requiem II. I play it slowly, looking for guidance at every note from the book. It is a melancholy number, which always reminds me of the highs and pitfalls of life. All art, Wilde said,is ultimately useless, but that is not true..it is art which enhances the ability of every individual to feel and empathise with others, to break the shell of our egos and make us think of things that are beyond our own selves..There is so much self righteousness in our society and growing every day it seems, these people think they have the answer to every ill, but their solutions are usually the "why dont they eat cake" ones espoused by Marie Antoinette, a few months before she was beheaded. These days people shun forms of art, many times confused if it is islamic enough or not. If it is not provocative, how can a thing of beauty be obscene or unislamic? With these thoughts i stop playing and and go up to settle into my red nest, where time stands still. If for the moment someone is away, the imagination fills the gaps with memories of togetherness, with a promise for tomorrow. Faith, and trust, keep my rambling heart firmly in someones coat pocket, which im sure is still smelling of my favourite perfume. I love this smell on my heart.

Blankness

The past events in my country, Pakistan, have left me emotionally and mentally in a state of blankness which perhaps is the next stage after numbness. After pain, after disgust, after anguish, numbness , now I just feel blank. I was born in the seventies and one of my first memories is hearing my sister going around the house with a newspaper in hand, calling out, Bhutto has been hanged. I was a small girl when I heard on tv that zia ul haq had yet again dissolved the assemblies. I was a young Assistant Commissioner who was heartbroken when Benazir was murdered and went to office the next day through roads scattered with burning tyres and protestors. She was my idol, I was a great fan. And after her death I read her book, Reconciliation, and was amazed at the wisdom of the doctrine of the political parties who chose to forego their very real and fundamental differences to strengthen democracy through the charter of democracy. The Doctrine of Reconciliation is, in my opinion, the most important political fundamental of our country after the Constitution of Pakistan. It is to democracy what the doctrine of necessity is, to dictators. Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is one of the signatories of the charter of democracy. Those who compelled him to look towards the armed forces for reconciliation in the present crisis have done a great wrong to him and the country. Hopefully he will recover this slip. But I wonder if we will recover if our country's democratic forces let darkness engulf them? I support the right of parties and individuals to demonstrate and demand what is their right. But will the rigidity of personalities bring us to this impasse? The government should not hold back decisions it has to take which are it's duty to take. They should not be in response to any demands. If it had done so earlier, things would not come to this. Yet is power more important to both sides than right or wrong? It is the willingness to do what is right which makes a statesman, imran khan would do well to read about Gladstone, British Prime Minister, who stood fast on whist he believed in, even if it broke his party . His belief was that the Irish deserve to be free. It was political suicide for him they said, but he did it. Prime Minister should also ponder over this example and try to do what is right. Who will lead the nation when they themselves seem to have lost their way? I do not want to sermonize, I am happy that Pakistan Peoples Party is supporting democracy even though that was not what PML N did with them, but both Protestors and the government need to speak to each other again. That is the only way Pakistan can make it through this impasse.

Side effects of the Azadi March

Amid slogans and songs, containers, dancing and jeering crowds,the bold charge of Imran Khan into the uncertain and dangerous,has made for a riveting week for all Pakistanis, especially those glued to the TV like me. The media coverage was awesome, with drones adding a new dimension to the way we see demonstrations and events. Whether Khan succeeds or fails, what I liked about these events is that the man on the street has gone to the houses of the powerful and privileged , and demanded to be taken seriously. This New generation of Pakistani is no longer the cowering voter Of the old order who would be begging the chaudhry or the big gun of the area for justice as a favour, without raising his voice, and always mindful of past ehsaanaat of the village chaudhry. Unfortunately, this kind of old style politics still prevails outside the major cities of Pakistan,which are not many to begin with.In the last week, through the media, this country has witnessed a new,boisterous and irreverent Pakistan, which demands justice as a right rather than a one- off favour, and keeps it's humor intact despite the severe issues it is protesting, such as election rigging and murder of more than a dozen Pakistanis by a government. Through it's resilience, this crowd has forced an arrogant and disdainful government, whose cabinet members were spewing venom at it and aggrandizing it's imagined concessions to it, to treat it with respect, accept it's right to protest as citizens on any issue it wants to. In my opinion this in itself is a great achievement Of the Azadi March, even if it is a by product of it. What I found disconcerting was the attitude of the government, the contempt and disdain with which it's functionaries eyed the protestors at first. But the media, other political parties and even the armed forces compelled the government to Treat the crowd with respect, and finally the "mob" graduated to the level of protestors. But it took the extreme demand, the resignation of the PM, to get the attention of the government on two issues that are genuine, legal and the right of the protestors. Accountability of the killings in Model Town in June,and election rigging charges. Is it because PML N has become too comfortable with it's comfortable majority in parliament and considers itself invincible? I was shocked by the belligerence and Self righteousness of the govt members. Even if these were all misguided people asking for the moon, atleast their fundamental rights should have been recognized . It is really an old order clashing with a new one, old ways of behaving, perceiving and reacting, while the new generation is marching on regardless. It belongs to a different class from the voters of PML N, so it's responses are not recognizable by the party. This is not what PML N leadership is used to. It is used to being addressed as "Quaid e Muhtaram", not " Oye Nwaaz sharif"! In the red zone! But life, power, politics is strange. Power slips from ones hands like sand. It is definitely a wake up call for PML N mid term. It should keep things real, and not forget to eat humble pie once in a while. We are all humans, and in a democracy, leaders are only first among equals, and that's it. It would do well to recognize this fact and make changes in it's political philosophy. Whether the new order can Whether these people are weirdos, poor, rude, what they think and want should be a concern for the government, nt a condescending acknowledgement of concession that since" bacchian" were there, we let them in" when in reality, the governemnt could not afford to stop them by force.would it change the old way of perceiving the citizens of pakistan, is a question for future events. Change even in perception, is a value addition to society.

Options

"I am considering my options", have you discussed all the options?" " will discuss the options', "i had no other options". I think my readers can think of many other variations that i have missed here of the same question. What to do and what not to do. To be or not to be, what to be, what not to be. Every moment each human being is presented with so many options. So many vistas to choose from, and each path taken or not taken defines us and our life path. But are we really that free to choose, to exercise free will? Does life really gives us that many options? A friend once said to me, as i chafed at the inequalities and constriants of my life, " perhaps kulsume, life doesnt have as much to offer (as u expect).That made me wonder, do i really expect too much from life? i was born with an innate faith in God. it is fortunate that i have never doubted the presence or power of God. So, i said to myself, when i believe that God can do anything, then is it too much if i want or expect him to fulfill all my dreams and wishes, which i want sincerely and not at the expense of anybody else's happiness? Seemed fair enough.Life is strange. One has one's own agenda and but God has his own. So many options that are presented to us everyday seem like options because we never took them, as we could choose only one of many. And we look back and think, oh i could have done that too if i wanted to, but i didnt. i tried to do that but couldnt. if only... but only the spiritually enlightened know that at that moment in time, we had only one option. The one we TOOK. It was to be, and, is,perhaps, as it should be. However, i like to think that options that a person has are based on larger issues, and choices. Lets say I want to be a crook, i have the choice of becoming one of so many types of crooks. But I will only become the type which fate allows me to be. But since I wanted to be a crook more than anything else in the world, I will become one.That is how life balances Will and Fate. The values we carry and our larger dreams usually come true, but what shape and clothing they wear is determined by our circumstances. So my friend who wanted to become a Chairman of some orgsnization might not become one, but if he stands fast he will get recognition and fame and respect and perhaps a little more money, if he tries hard in that direction, and since these are his larger hopes and desires, thats good enough. Being the permanent optimist and believer in the correlation between human effort and divine help, I think we have always have the option to dream and aspire, to live according to our values and goals. We always have the option to refuse to do whats wrong and to do what is right, what our heart says is right. And that is enough choice. Keep expecting more and aspiring for more,nothing wrong with daring to dream. Our dreams have as mauch chance of coming true as not, so why not give them a try. One will never know if one never tries.Its not easy and gives us pain and pleasure,makes us insecure and scared at times, but life should not be lived in half measures. If we had all the answers at the outset, our life would be like a book whose last chapter we read even before starting its first. Where our choices take us is the beauty and mystery of life, which is beautiful despite its pathos and pain, and we are lucky to be alive.

Rights are ok, but what about responsibilities?

Complaining is the staple diet of many people around us. What the government could have done but didn't, what the others should have done, why don't they like me,nobody loves me enough, I'm so busy that I can't find time to do what I want, and the rest of the world is having a blast...what's so great about her that she got praised and I didn't? It seems that Pakistanis have made blame shifting, a permanent feature of their mental landscapes. It is everybody's fault but theirs. But somewhere, this attitude also denotes the sense of helplessness that all of us feel at how things are and why any of us are unable to do anything about it. Many of us who try to do the right thing have a feeling of acting in isolation and getting more and more distanced from those around us, and many of us fall in with the usual ways of our society just to identify and feel that we are not alone. Unfortunately, the fact that people are less and less certain of punishment for wrongdoing, makes it clearer to them that crime pays and it is ok to live selfishly, shirk personal and societal responsibility and to blame it all on some vague idea in the end: the system, the government, or ,well that is how it is. What many of us do not realise is that societies are based on individuals giving up some of their rights to secure collective rights, and these collective rights become the responsibilities of each individual living in a society. Due to lack of education, lack of social cohesiveness, we do not appreciate this. Therefore, we want our rights, but no responsibilities. One of the biggest reasons for lack of social cohesiveness is the lack of equality among us. The largest amount of population which resides in Punjab and Sindh provinces is still divided in castes, rural hegmonies and clans, with the same tendencies in its educated classes too. Though i admire the Pathans for their independence and egalitarian approach, tribal approaches still mar their relatively more egalitarian society. Blaming the government is good, but it is made up of people. One of the biggest failings of government as well as the educated class of Pakistan is to spread education and instruments of equality to the grassroots level. This collective failing has led to collective feelings of helplessness among those who want to do good. In the segment of society which can make the biggest difference, the middleclass, there is the most apathy, especially in the younger crowd which has led to spoofs like "Slackistan". The educated class and especially the younger crowd are underestimating their ability to make an impact. It is imperative that they realise their own responsibilities before asking the state to do everything. If we stand up for collective rights of freedom, equality and justice for each indiviual in society and also spread the word, it can make a difference.Guarding the rights of others and remembering our responsiblities is the only way to ensure our personal rights. We need to help others, not through charity, but by enabling them with the necessary awareness and tools to change their lives. If we do that, they will take care of the rest of their lives. The english speaking (and reading class )of Pakistan should stop thinking of the rest of pakistanis in the same terms as the colonials saw them, and called them the White Man's Burden. And for starters, just make sure that you are not impinging on anybody else's rights through your actions. Thats the easiest step which all of us can take. But only if we think about this in the first place.

Rememberence

What is the best way to remember somebody? This has been on my mind for some time.. how does one remember them when loved ones are not with one, and sometimes one has very little or no hope of meeting again? Perhaps One could start by the features one loved best, the eyes, the hair colour and texture, the smile, the voice, and perhaps even fragrance. The infectious laugh of a dear friend, eyes crinkling up in the sheer joy of living..then the thoughts and words we shared, and sometimes even the songs we sang, the plans made excitedly , many that saw the light of day, and many more that didnt.. To be human is to be ephemeral, and the frailties that accompany our humanness,endear us even more to kindred spirits. We plan ahead, we think , we strategize, and do cost benefit analyses. yet life is happening to us all this while, and flows on its own path. When its path meets our plans, we call ourselves successful, smart, visionary even. Along this path we meet others like us, and some become the mirrors of our souls.. and being with them makes us feel joyful,complete, strong. And it is not only the good qualities that make two people identify with each other, but also the bad ones, the eccentricities, the quirks which nobody else understands, but in the eyes of a loved one it reflects amusement, humour, understanding. One way to remember a loved one could be through his quirks, the traits that set him apart from others but were similar to you, his habits which nobody else liked but was absolutely fine by you. It sounds almost cliched to say that you love somebody because of what he makes you through his company,but im sure it has happened to all of us that we become different people depending on who we are interacting. The same person can be a saint with one person but a sinner with another. Just depends on what qualities resonate between two people, what is brought out in both wthrough intercation. Friends and most loved ones, not all, make us feel on top of our game, better about ourselves, and full of hope and dreams. With their support and mere presence we can have the courage to look ahead, to be brave and aspire for more than we had in the past. These feelings are only the reflection of the good opinion they have of u, or the good opinion u have of them. If you dont feel good with somebody, I suggest you revisit your relationship or its complexion, perhaps it is not what you think it was. But i know that with each of my loved ones and friends, I feel differently, and all in positive ways. And the one i feel best with, is the one i love the best. The one I want to meet, or would want to meet with the dawn of each new day. Recalling the feeling that you get when u see each other, that is the best form of remembering.

Divinity

I grew up in a regimented lifestyle, with very clear dos and donts, yes and nos, hierarchy and discipline. Most of my generation did . As a member of the civil service i still work in a very regimented system. We are taught certain things as children, and we learn to judge others very early in life through these standards and also define our own course in life according to these beliefs and suppositions. Yet there comes a time when one, through the course of one's life, stops and asks himself/herself, are my beliefs correct? does following my values really pay? Is this the path to a fulfilling life? some find answers, some dont, and a few never ask these questions in the first place. But while we theorize and find answers, the universe, living, breathing around us, seems to follow a different course and does not work how we thought. I was trained to believe that mistakes are punished and people should pay for them. But i have seen that happiness belongs to the ones who forgive, who let go, who let others decide things for themselves,not those who set out to punish others. It is said that to forgive is divine.But to forgive is to me the ability to acknowledge the superiority of the divine power to punish and do justice, and forego it ourselves. It is true that people who sin are punished, but it is only for God to decide to punish them, and for what and how much, not human beings. And no human being can punish someebody the way God can. So leave it to God and behold his justice. We think that the more we hold on to things the better we can possses them.Yet nothing could be farther from the truth. Love is a flower which needs nurtutring, but gets crushed when held in hand, or if tinkered with too much. The same is with our possessions.The more you run after them, the more you lose control of things. To accumulate is good, but it is a silent principle of the universe that only those are given in abundance, who share their good fortune with others, who use thier possessions and positions to help others. The more you give, the more you receive. I believe in it. Possessions come and go, but who you are and what you stand for, is what defines you, and as Robert Frost said, makes all the difference in your life path. And the more you forgive, the more you accept and love others as they are, and not try to control them, the happier you are, and much more loved. We all want love and acceptance, how can we receive it if we are not willing to give? I see people who are really unhappy and frustrated because they want to control others,to do their bidding. they want to be smart, they want to befool them into submission. it works for a while, and after that, one just ends up angry when ones ploys fail. People who aim to control others, often forget, that there is a hand of God, which thwarts their machinations and creates balance in the world. Because God belongs to every one, even one's enemies, and listens to their prayers too,so does justice. This is how I came to realize the existence of a living Divine power, much higher than all our designs and expectations, and to live in harmony with divinity is what gives us lasting peace.