Homecoming

The reflection of the half moon of summer glitters on the watery green fields . In the dusk twilight, I can see the orange-pink of the unending horizon from the aeroplane window , and the moon, and its moonlight on the ground at the same time, as my plane hovers over the Lahore airport, preparing to land.To this bewitching city I come back once again. In my efforts to keep my shattered life together, I shuttle between my workplace, Islamabad, and my home, Lahore. Here I was born, bred, married, had children, worked, divorced, buried my father and only brother, and here, whats left of my family, and my children, live. I have loved, lived laughed and cried in this city, and here i will be buried, as God wishes. So far so good. A life lived in pockets of priorities, career, family, love, self, aspirations, becomes fragmented and cyclical. One pocket at the cost of others keeps swelling, perhaps all of us live like this these days. Insulated from the people in my workplace, only exposed to office intrigue and petty minds and concerns, I feel myself wilting, deteriorating. My work used to be the most significant part of my life, because it enabled me to make a difference and help others. That sense is not there now, and I feel useless and uninspired, restless. Happiness in love cannot compensate for this. I do not feel alive. My ex spouse is getting married, as I always knew he would. That was the main reason for his insisting on a divorce, which was not surprising, since we never had anything in common. Even our friends could not find anything in common when they met each other at our home. But i did not like the whole vaudeville he created to enable himself to extricate himself from the marriage. Perhaps he knew that if he told his family the real reason he wanted out, because he was tired of living a lie, people would not accept it. So he created a justification, and postured to be a hapless husband who had to take care of his children, which was farthest from the truth as it could be, as when i worked, my mother took care of my kids and he just lounged around watching tv, making the occasional bottle of milk for the one year old. I would have respected him more if he had stated his reasons frankly and moved on. But then, in this hypocritical society, who can dare to speak out his real needs? And he could never bear to be unpopular or disliked. he always wanted approval, which made him such a coward. Well may he find happiness, Im happier to note that another of his lies about devoting his life to kids and never remarrying, stands exposed. I could never love him, because he was always a liar. Finally I will be freed from his blame games. The best things in my life are the kids. Beautiful, bright, doing well. confident and serious, but always bursting with joy and naughtiness. I hope they know the value of the good things in life, and know how to differentiate between whats right and wrong. One big thing going right in my life. Im lucky. The self is the last these days. It will bloom with inspiration, and love, the snippets that i receive of it from time to time, though they suffice for now. The tall bamboo trees in my home rustle in the wind, as the monsoon clouds come sweeping in on the unending horizon. Another season of fulfillment is coming on.

What happens next

Human beings have been traversing the earth for aeons, and ever since we were dropped onto it, as our religions say, or evolved, a Darwin says, we have for ever been clueless about why we are here, what we are supposed to do here, and where we are heading. Religion has taken care of the first two questions. We know we were put on earth by God to do good things, the right thing, and help him prove to the Devil that our creation was not in vain. We also know we will go back to him, and death will take us there, but one question always bothers each human being as we progress on our own individual life path: what does the future hold, what does life have in store for us, simply, what happens next. To me, it seems the reason for this curiosity is, that there is an outer landscape around us, and in our minds, there is an inner landscape that is very different from the physical one outside. the landscape of our minds is composed of what we want our life to be like. It is made up of our hopes, dreams, desires,ambitions. And with this landscape our emotions are very much attahced. There is an innate desire in every human being to want that the physical lanscape around him should match his inner landscape as much as possible, and on this his or her happiness and satisfaction in life depends. The desire to know what happens next is because we want to know how much these two landscapes will resemble each other in future, and if our efforts to match them will bear fruit or will be futile. We have devised many ways of assessing what happens next. Astrology, tarot, runes, iching,palm reading,dream interpretation, signs, all sorts of superstitions, globe reading gypsies, and Istikharas for muslims.We pray, we go to holy places, we make promises to God, all to placate Him into granting our wishes. Yet we still have no idea. Sometime something works, sometimes something else works. We do not know why. But more often than not, we notice that what we believe in works. Is it perhaps because belief is stronger than all other things in the universe? What we beleive in, becomes our truth. And that becomes real, palpable, and takes a physical form in the end. Does that mean that the human being is actually the most powerful being in this world? the viceregent of God the creator, who can acheive things through sheer willpower? Hope, belief and faith, have made what seemed impossible, become possible in my life. So I guess I am one person who has proof that faith can move mountains. I am sure each of us have many examples of such events in their own lives. It is true, things in our life never match our inner landscape exactly. There are variations. Depends on our effort level and and also our willingness to take risks. Which follows on the strength of our beliefs. The more we strive, the more similar they become. The more one believes, the more one strives. Reminds me of Rumi's ideas, (i do not remember the exact words), that there is a hidden treasure in each of us, meaning a well of strength, which is more powerful and valuable than anything in the outside world, and every human being should try to seek that. If we find it, we can change ourselves and our world. What happens next in our lives, is usually based on what we find inside us.

Soulmate

I write todays post one day after my birthday. On my birthday I re met one of my very good friends, and she then told another, then another. It is true that I have very few friends. I dont make them easily. But Im surprised again and agaian to know that those who hung on to me through my difficult times, are with me because of myself, not because of any other reason. Perhaps the only way to recognize true friends is to see how they treat you when you are down and out. My mother used to tell me that people are insincere and wicked, and she taught me from an early age to distrust people, expect the worst from them, and always be wary, aloof, suspicious. So that people do not get the oportunity to hurt you. I thank my stars that i met so amny other people in life, good people, who liked me and stuck by me, and made me believe in the goodness of humanity, the ability of the human being to attract good by doing the right thing, and bringing the best out of people by expecting the best. It was my father who taught me to stand up for my values and for what i believed in, no matter what. he taught me to be independent in thought and action, but I think I learnt to take risks purely on my own. And a good but reticent friend taught me not to feel sorry for myself even in the worst of times, and get hold of my life by getting a grip on myself. But I learnt the most beautiful lesson of my life from the one that I love. He said, expect good from life, only then will good things happen to you. I was struck by it, because i had never thought of life this way. Nimbly and nervously, i began to venture out of my fears and began following what he had said. I trust him so much, I believed it because he had said it, though i wasnt sure about its effectiveness. Till date, this thought has given me nothing but happiness, faith and hope. Well it is not surprising. Ever since I have met him, i have known much happiness. Whenever I look into his shining eyes, I see love, acceptance and appreciation, and myself. He doesnt say much, but then nor do I. I want him to express his feelings more, but then i remember that i am the same. We say little, do more, and feel most. His actions, sometimes i like them,sometimes i dont, are a perfect mirror of myself. His good qualities are my good qualities, but the ones that i dont like, I realize that i have these habits too. Its sometimes uncanny. Perhaps this is the reason, I cannot stay away from each other. Sometimes, when Im patiently waiting for him to find time while my issues get bigger and bigger,I remember my daughter, three years old, who used to wait for me when she came back from school, if she needed anything, thinking that she would do her project, ask for things when mama came home. But I would get late and she would fall asleep waiting for me. I was very busy at the time, i couldnt help it but feel bad to this day. She learnt to do without me. But when i wait for him , i realize how trying it is to wait for someone you love to find time for you when he has so much work to do and cannot help it. It wasnt my fault, it isnt his, but it is trying all the same. The tiredness, the irritability, the preoccupation, I have gone through it myself, that is why i can accept it. I do know that my love washes away his worries, the same way his love and affection , his spontaneous bursts of affection, caring and sometimes possessiveness, wash away my sorrow, my loneliness and my insecurities. I bloom, smile, and feel grateful. And feel that i am the luckiest woman in the world. He isnt perfect, but he is perfect for me. Whenever i expect bad from him, i recive only good. whatever, is in my best interest, he does instinctively. Whenever we are upset with each other, circumstance remove all our misunderstandings. For all his possessiveness, he never makes me feel cloistered or suspected, only loved and cherished. Do I wax too eloquent on his greatness? As i said many times before, it is not because he is perfect, but he is perfect for me. And on my birthday,I guess Im allowed to feel a bit grateful for all this uncanniness. We look for miracles, but we miss the small miracles that God blesses us with: the people whom we love, and those who love us back.