A quiet evening Alone

Umar khayyam said, " a cup of wine, a loaf of bread, and Thou". Or something to this effect. To the civil servant careering after floods, disasters and diseases, or the mother chasing after kids ,a quiet evening alone is often a luxury. Tonight is such a luxurious one. However, the company of a loved one is not available today. Some people are afraid to be alone. I was a late child, my parents were too caught up in their mid life duties by then and my siblings were too old to give me commpany.So I developed the hobbies of a solitary child, reading, drawing, movies and music, and later painting and landscaping gardens,and ofcourse, cooking and experimenting with nearly all the major cuisines of the world. when I had a home of my own, I also indulged my love of the arts with a piano and interior decorating. Thus solitude has always been a welcome friend. I have always loved the feeling of touch, taste,smells and colours.I surround myself with them. Tonight it is too late to cook, so I settle for a leisurely bath with lavender incense. Its my favourite and infinitely relaxing. I even gift lavender products to my loved ones, so that i smell it on them when i snuggle up or hug them. My little Siamese, she is called margot by the way, follows me to every place in the house, trying to snuggle with me in the shape of a ball whenever I sit down. I bought flowers on my way home, and I listen to Chitra Singh as I arrange tuberoses , lillies, gladioli, and hothouse chrysanthemums in various vases around the house. Tonight i feel like doing more than read or watch tv..my cat walks on the piano and I think of playing it. Chopin? or no, lets try Mozart. One of my friends found a Mozart music book in London for me on a holiday, for which I am grateful. It is Requiem II. I play it slowly, looking for guidance at every note from the book. It is a melancholy number, which always reminds me of the highs and pitfalls of life. All art, Wilde said,is ultimately useless, but that is not true..it is art which enhances the ability of every individual to feel and empathise with others, to break the shell of our egos and make us think of things that are beyond our own selves..There is so much self righteousness in our society and growing every day it seems, these people think they have the answer to every ill, but their solutions are usually the "why dont they eat cake" ones espoused by Marie Antoinette, a few months before she was beheaded. These days people shun forms of art, many times confused if it is islamic enough or not. If it is not provocative, how can a thing of beauty be obscene or unislamic? With these thoughts i stop playing and and go up to settle into my red nest, where time stands still. If for the moment someone is away, the imagination fills the gaps with memories of togetherness, with a promise for tomorrow. Faith, and trust, keep my rambling heart firmly in someones coat pocket, which im sure is still smelling of my favourite perfume. I love this smell on my heart.

Blankness

The past events in my country, Pakistan, have left me emotionally and mentally in a state of blankness which perhaps is the next stage after numbness. After pain, after disgust, after anguish, numbness , now I just feel blank. I was born in the seventies and one of my first memories is hearing my sister going around the house with a newspaper in hand, calling out, Bhutto has been hanged. I was a small girl when I heard on tv that zia ul haq had yet again dissolved the assemblies. I was a young Assistant Commissioner who was heartbroken when Benazir was murdered and went to office the next day through roads scattered with burning tyres and protestors. She was my idol, I was a great fan. And after her death I read her book, Reconciliation, and was amazed at the wisdom of the doctrine of the political parties who chose to forego their very real and fundamental differences to strengthen democracy through the charter of democracy. The Doctrine of Reconciliation is, in my opinion, the most important political fundamental of our country after the Constitution of Pakistan. It is to democracy what the doctrine of necessity is, to dictators. Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is one of the signatories of the charter of democracy. Those who compelled him to look towards the armed forces for reconciliation in the present crisis have done a great wrong to him and the country. Hopefully he will recover this slip. But I wonder if we will recover if our country's democratic forces let darkness engulf them? I support the right of parties and individuals to demonstrate and demand what is their right. But will the rigidity of personalities bring us to this impasse? The government should not hold back decisions it has to take which are it's duty to take. They should not be in response to any demands. If it had done so earlier, things would not come to this. Yet is power more important to both sides than right or wrong? It is the willingness to do what is right which makes a statesman, imran khan would do well to read about Gladstone, British Prime Minister, who stood fast on whist he believed in, even if it broke his party . His belief was that the Irish deserve to be free. It was political suicide for him they said, but he did it. Prime Minister should also ponder over this example and try to do what is right. Who will lead the nation when they themselves seem to have lost their way? I do not want to sermonize, I am happy that Pakistan Peoples Party is supporting democracy even though that was not what PML N did with them, but both Protestors and the government need to speak to each other again. That is the only way Pakistan can make it through this impasse.