Relationships

The other day I came across a very interesting study on what are the factor that make a human being perceive that they are happy. Of course, what we perceive about ourselves and our lives is what makes it true for us, and one person's perception of what is great or not so great, might be different from another, but broad similarity in human behaviour can be there. The results od this study are surprising, and makes me think that human priorities have changed, but not as much has we perceived, especially what is shown in the media. This study says that out of the total number of people interviewed , only 44 percent of them said their faith and religious commitment brings them happiness. Not surprisingly, 85 percent said having enough money to make their life comfortable makes them happy,88 percent said enjoying social life or recreation makes them happy, and a surprising 89 percent said they feel happy if they are fulfilled in their studies or work. 91 percent attributed happiness to a good relationship with their friends, and 92 percent attributed it to a good relationship with their family. 94 percent, stated the obvious, that being contributes towards a feeling of happiness. 

The pleasant surprise for us is that people still rate happiness in their relationships much higher than money or work or even religious belief. In the age of mounting materialism and religious zealots, the need for connection, and a happy one, between human beings, remains one of the primary needs  for each of us. And what are relationships? only the sharing of feelings and experiences, and acceptance by one person of another as he or she is. We need the support of others to go on in this world, and the love and support of our friends and family mean so much that it can help us get out of any problem, any setback. Therefore, nobody should discount the effect he or she has on the people around them, and try to make those people around them happy and to help them. If human beings think of themselves as a bigger whole, each sustained by the other, we can try make  others happy, and become happier ourselves as a result. Of course it cannot match the glee you feel by vanquishing other, putting them down or feeling yourselves superior to them, but this is in the end, an empty feeling. It is fleeting success, which makes us get into an interminable race which does not have an end apart from death. So its better and more fulfilling to choose life over death, happiness and acceptance, co existence, over fighting and competition. You cannot take my fate from me and I cannot take yours from you, so it is better to support each other along our respective life paths.

Because Somebody Cared

There was a news story on tv the other day about a Pakistani girl who lost one leg as a child in the 2005 earthquake and was adopted and taken to the US by an American family. With their care and love she grew up into a confident, pretty, educated young lady, who is now an avid skier. I think her name is Insha. I was enthralled by her shining eyes, her excited and happy face as she said" I like speed". Like any girl her age , and even older( even I like speed and driving fast :)  ) she knows how to and is able to enjoy life and doesn't let her disability bog down her spirits nor her dreams. It was only possible, because somebody cared about her. 

In Inshas case, it was the Amercian couple who raised her and became her parents. But how many children and human beings, wilt, deteriorate and die, because even while living with bustling families, nobody cares about them, nobody thinks they are something special, nobody thinks it worth their while to spend some time with them. In a crowd they remain lonely, unappreciated, lacking in self confidence and any feeling of self worth. 

Human beings are fragile beings. born helpless and weak, they need support from the beginning. Physical touch of the mother, safety from elements, and friendship and love from fellow human beings to prosper and flourish in this world. it is paradoxical as we are also in constant competitions with each other and other living being, with survival of the fittest being the prerequisite of evolution. Over the eons and with civilization, which is basically another word for being considerate to each other, human beings have devised society, the welfare state, social safety nets and institutions to take care of the vulnerable, old and infirm. Despite these structures, the relationships between people, and belief in others is the crucial factor which is required to drive the individual towards success and self actualization.

The strongest of us, the richest, the most beautiful, and most powerful, need somebody to love us, believe in us, encourage us and think the world of us. It can be anybody in our life, but we need that. Not all the appreciation of strangers can mean as much as somebody from our life who stands by us. The most important ingredient is acceptance of what we are, and belief in what we can be. Belief in a person can make him or her achieve the impossible, do the unimaginable. It can make one reach heights to even surpass oneself, so important is the significance of another beings belief that one is all that, and perhaps more. Even in religion, faith is everything, believing in God and what he can do for us somehow makes it true and makes him a reality, perhaps its our own faith which makes it true. When we pray to God and see miracles happen, think of what miracles we can witness when we believe in ourselves and others.

Imitation is the best form of?

Ever get irritated by somebody who constantly imitates you? Who always has to do what you do, wear clothes like you, have hair of the same color as you, who competes with the way you speak, act, etc etc. When we are kids and younger, we all have somebody we want to copy or somebody who copies us. When we get copied, most of us get irritated, and feel as if that person is taking away our identity. But when we copy ourselves, we feel its ok, we are just improving ourselves, or perhaps upgrading ourselves to a different level. After so many years of people copying me and getting irritated with it, I think i have grown up and , well, try, to take it as a compliment. No doubt, when we imitate somebody we only do it because we think that person is doing something right, or perhaps that person represents a kind of life or image that we want to attain and somehow couldn't , or we think we can't.  We are, unconsciously, following our own dreams that the person seems to represent. 

Of course, the road to progress is through learning from each other. Now what we are learning or imitating is another matter, whether it is good for us or not in the long run. But imitation , I tell myself each time I see it happening, is inevitable. Even art, copies nature. So what God has endowed somebody with, it is natural for another person to imitate. We usually imitate to be "current", not to be left behind, to be always on top of things. And sometimes a more pushy imitator pushes behind the original, who doesn't blow his trumpet, his being what he is a natural state of mind and nothing to brag about, but for the imitator, the effort it took to copy definitely engenders a desire to flaunt his/her achievement of a successful imitation.

Although most of us do not take the trouble to think so much about why we are doing things, the underlying reason for imitation is always an attempt to feel good, perfect, wanted, accepted, through the imitation. All of us, want to belong, to somebody, to some group, to some identity. So since the ultimate goal is self satisfaction or actualization, how do we actually achieve it,  because there will always be one more fad, one fabulous woman, or some catch phrase or avant grade idea to adopt. If EVERYBODY ends up doing the same thing, making the same noises, statements and taking the same initiatives, as is very obvious on social media these days, how do we get actual peace of mind? Originality, perhaps? But how do I know how to be original, Im such a bundle of sensations, impressions, experiences and influences, wheres the real me. Even my DNA is connected to ancestors living millions of years ago. If we are so interconnected, how do we find ourselves? The only way, I think, is to do what your heart says. Not what people say or told or advised you to do. Each of us has a soul that is our own, which is original, and the identity that will last to the other world. So whatever it says, do. You will be an original. You will be yourself.

Self Love and the Woman

The other day I was reading about  a sort of survey of men about top ten things they wish women would understand about them. Number one was, that if a woman compliments us, we take it really seriously. In short, men believe what women say and really take it to heart. Usually in a positive way if praise is communicated, but, it seems to follow, that they also take criticism too much to heart and then start avoiding the woman who told them things about themselves which were less than pleasant. Even the indication from a woman that she is unhappy is enough to make the man shrink away, when perhaps she is relating something which she feels generally and he isn't its cause. 

Men are of course, used to the image of the loving mother since childhood and a lot of their sense of well being is related to how much the woman in their life loves/admires them. They are used to a lot of love by the mother, and their self love is well fed and intact. Men have the whole society centre around theorems they have set for themselves and women, and for them, not much has changed for Eons, till the woman changed and wanted to do something else apart from being with them. 

Enter the modern woman. Under pressure all the time. Striving for perfection all the time. She just HAS to be beautiful, thin, attractive, smart, funny, entertainment, sexy, a caregiver, emancipated, great mother, having a thriving career, hooking/ keeping a great husband/partner, great homemaker, party thrower, religious n dutiful as well as able to look great in naughty nightwear, the list of accomplishments she is striving for seems endless. Perhaps it is. She is pushed in opposite directions. Even if she achieves all that she strives for, she is usually exhausted with the effort. and sometimes not as much fun to be around as a woman who just takes things as they come and doesn't push herself too much. 

But a woman does not have self love fed by the parents from the start . Hers used to be an upbringing about how to please others. Not anymore. Even then she is often worried about how much she is liked, especially by men, how much people in her life value her, did the person who gave another woman a smile, give her one or not? an often, even when she receives compliments, she disbelieves half of it, and is insecure about retaining the level of attention that she has seemed in her mind , to secure. The traditional woman was content to excel in the traditional arts like looks, home, cooking, mothering, and the erotic ones( that was for bad girls), but the modern woman finds herself competing in more and more fields to be more attractive to men. She finds herself competing with her rivals now in having a career, being more altruistic, independent etc.etc etc. Just to impress men who will just not be impressed anymore. Perhaps she is wrong. All that he wants is only to be loved, admired, accepted and taken care of. And mostly left alone to do what he likes. Can a woman love herself ? Only in the reflection of her beloved's eyes. Perhaps they will not like to say, it, but that is what the men also feel.

Every mark but the mark of shame

I was reading Faiz s poetry the other day....and a favorite verse struck my heart. Har daagh hai is dil men bajuz daagh e nadamat, which translates roughly as my heart has every mark and wound, but these do not include the blemish of shame or remorse. It is true that as you go along the path of your life, if you have done things with good faith and what you thought was right, you have no cause to be ashamed or to have remorse. However people judge you or try to find fault with you, if you know in your heart that you tried to do the right thing, you should take succour in the thought that you have done nothing wrong. Allah is, of course, aware of what is in anyone's heart and weighs your action accordingly. But remorse is, as Faiz said, actually a blemish in a heart. if one has done something wrong and is ashamed of it, it forever resides in your heart as a dark mark, a blemish, a reminder of what you did wrong. It makes your heart imperfect, tainted, not pure and whole. But if you know it in your heart that your actions were driven by good intention, faith and love, however somebody's actions hurt and disfigure you for life, physically and emotionally, your heart remains pure, whole and perfect. It is beautiful because its true. There is nothing more beautiful in this world than the truth.

Many times people wonder, myself included, when somebody lets you down, is it my fault? Did  I deserve this because i was foolish enough to put my trust in somebody's words?  Was there something wrong with me that made that person behave unfairly, dishonorably, treacherously to me? Did I deserve this because i chose not to demean myself by treating them the same way? And why did it happen to me when I was sincere? You hear all sorts of excuses from people who let you down, and you think, maybe everybody in this world is right, I'm the only one who is wrong...wrong to expect love, wrong to expect sincerity, wrong to expect loyalty, in spirit if not in flesh, wrong to expect affection and support from the people that I love, why? They say that one expects thing from people which one would have done for them, and the difference in their response shows the difference in the feelings you have for them, and the feelings they have for you. 

But it is not your fault if somebody else behaves badly. If somebody is evil, it is not your fault. Everybody has a choice to act the way they want to. If they behave badly, it is only their fault and their behavior. Even if you do anything, a bad person will behave badly, there is nothing you can do to change it. The only thing you can do is to hold fast to your values and what you think is the right thing to do. Never let a bad person veer you away from it. 

When I look back at life, I know one thing. I did what i thought was the right thing to do. Loving someone is not a crime, cheating someone is. When one thinks one cannot get along with somebody faithfully, it is good to separate rather than cheat. Now mostly people don't do that, and somebody who doesn't want to live a lie, is condemned for trying to be with somebody who one can be happy with. If you are true to the one you love, if you are faithful while it lasts, there is no need for remorse. If somebody lets you down,it is not your fault. It is his fault. Perhaps they couldn't do as much as they would want to. Everybody has their limitations. It is not cause for any shame. Regardless of how our skewed society sees it, the blemish is in the heart of the one who is untrue.

The God Given Country

From the window of my office in the Pakistan Secretariat, a partial view is available. In the federal capital , the rumblings of national politics are palpable, but i am no VIP. I do not even like the lifestyle of a VIP. I am and like to be close to the ground, with my feet firmly planted on the ground. I dislike gunmen and protocol, one does not need to have an entourage to serve the country. But everywhere i see, I see perturbed faces, questions on the faces of the people in the Secretariat. They are thinking, what is going to happen? are we going to be able to come to work next week? Is the city safe anymore? 

The same questions are also on the minds of people of Islamabad. These are questions of personal safety, collective future, and political uncertainty. This is not the first challenge that this city has seen to its security. It has weathered many a storm. It has seen the Marriott bombing,the Laal Masjid debacle, the dharna of 2014, and many military takeovers. But the city, like the country, is resilient, and comes back again and again. However, the questions remain in the minds of all thinking people in the country. The limits of freedom are not breached yet, but  being able to get to work is my basic right, as well as freedom of movement, access to education, food and shelter. If anything curtails that, the State should act to protect me. However, the right to question its political leaders conduct is the right of every citizen of this country. We have salvaged democracy from the debris of toppling governments many a times. Democracy is valuable for us. Everybody is worried how we as a nation balance democratic rights of political parties as well as ordinary citizens. 

Peace is directly linked to prosperity , our country has seen much chaos, which has pushed it back by many years. Nobody wants that. Nobody should want that. In order to avert such happenings, politics should come to the fore. Politics is not only the art of the possible, but of myriad possibilities. Too rigid a stance from any side makes for a standoff, and the consequent damage to the nation. Hardline stances are good for political parties to rally forces together, but dialogue and a meaningful one at that, is the only way out to balance peace and stability in our country. It the responsibility of all sides to keep the dialogue going, and to resort to peaceful means to debate issues. It is the responsibility of the government most of all to keep the dialogue going. They have been elected to be responsible for the safety and stability of the country. It is a difficult balance that the government is treading. Lets hope for everybody's sake that they can make a go of it. Hopefully the God Given Country (Mumlikat e Khudadaad )will have divine help too, but sanity is required, first and foremost.

Role Reversal, ladies!

Last night I took a late flight from Islamabad to Lahore. Usually we see male pilots in the cockpit and air hostesses on the aisle. But last night I was pleasantly surprised to hear a female voice announcing from the cockpit that we are now landing and staff to take positions. The male flight attendants complied immediately. While this role reversal in the workplace is getting more and more common all over the world, it is still a bit uncomfortable in some parts of our society. Atleast in the urban areas, women in control are no longer a novelty. Although in the rural areas, women empowerment is still to be seen as an accepted reality, in urban areas, due to sheer financial compulsions, more and more girls are working and as a result, gaining independence and a stronger role in their families.

Whether financial independence necessarily translates into change in the societal roles for women, is still not a purity for independent, educated girls, or , for that matter, the uneducated but independent girls. Women in our society, whether independent or not, are still required to play the traditional roles that our society expects of them, and is used to. While the enforcement of these roles sometimes takes extreme forms like honor killing of a girl supporting her family, it usually takes milder forms like elders making sure that even if a female is working like a man in a man's world, she is supposed to take a supporting role in the house, that of the dutiful whatever she is in relation to her males, the companion, supporter, caregiver. Of course caregiving and nurturing, emotions, come naturally to a woman. But there are different qualities required to succeed professionally. As a working woman becomes more like men due to working in male dominated fields, she becomes less compatible in her roles at home as she brings these workplace qualities home to her personal relationships.

Naturally then, her relations with her family change. When we were growing up in the eighties and nineties, our female elders and some male relatives would call it that we have become outspoken, fast, headstrong and totally irreverent. This was only because girls who got educated and were given freedom gave voice to their opinion. This came as shock to elders and was disconcerting to say the least.

Some twenty years later, this is still the case. Men don't like to have independent ladies with minds of their own. Women are thought to be better if they are seen and not heard, they only applaud the thoughts of the men, and not at all is it ok if they disagree and worse, if they stick to their opinions. Unfortunately, men who are worth having usually are chauvinists, as naturally all confident meant think they are superior. So how do we manage? I guess reversing roles when we get out of houses, and then again when we get back in? This is a difficult balancing act. In the meanwhile, we keep on getting more and more space in the workplace. If more and more men get used to our changing roles, hopefully, we will have to do less role reversal at home and work.