Am I alone?

There is no clock in my bedroom. I cannot feel the time pass here. In the dim warm light of red and white and earth hues, I am alone with your thoughts, your images, your words and your dreams. I am alone here . Yet all the creases of the bed,the fall of the curtain, the walls the hearth envelop you in them, though you have never been here . My thoughts, my feelings, my action, they all belong to you. You live inside me as a living, breathing being. I don't know if you are a being or an emotion, but never for a moment am I without you. You are so so far away. I am busy, and you even more so...I love my work, and so do you...yet i feel hollow when I don't hear your voice plaintively asking me to tell you about my day, there is love here...in this Age of frenzied activity and virtual communication, we are bound in our lives and living with each other through these gadgets, these toys that we have. My heart doesnt ask me why, what, how. When it comes to you, it just Is. I just know that you will make it happen, that i can count on you whether near or far.And that is no small comfort because..you are an oasis of peace in my splintered existence..your warmth makes me forget my fears, my self doubt and My inhibitions(not that I have many), your smile makes me believe again that there is goodness in this world. Despite everything, despite everybody. And it is not tinplate, it's gold. And for me, it is enough.Enough for me to close my eyes and look forward to another day.

Thoughts on the struggle for Change

The law locks up the hapless felon who steals the goose from off the common, but lets the greater felon loose who steals the common from the goose. ANONYMOUS, ENGLAND,1821 Society tells us what to do and what not to do. The State also tells us what to do and what not to do. but who is the state and society telling all this..the ones who are rich and powerful, or the ones who has nobody to turn to, the one who has only his own blood and toil to rely upon, to feed himself or herself and their family? it is said that law is made by a set of individuals to control another, perhaps larger set of individuals and gain power over them. it is also said that law is not equal for everybody. it is different for the rich and different for the poor. In the Middle Ages it was true for all countries.. yet democracy and its champions in various lands and those who struggled and laid down their lives for ideals higher and greater than themselves, felt proud that one of the greatest achievements of democracy is to have lessened this disparity. the ideal of democracy is equality of all people, the common dignity of all people, and equal access to justice for all people of a society and nation. However, we in our land of the pure live in a clime of holy cows, of ruling groups and and elite clubs.We are, as i have said before, a nation of experts in lip service. perhaps lip service is somewhere ingrained in our minds as Farz e Kifaya for all the actions not acted upon, things which we should have done but did not do, out of laziness, lack of confidence, selfish interests or in the abuse of power. Self interest takes precedence over belief, over faith, over values. the power to do the right thing dissolves into the melting pot overlaid with selfish considerations. Why is that, are we different from other nations in this? no, we are only failing because we are approaching the problem in a wrong manner. we are placing too great a premium in the ability of the individual to withstand social pressure. we propose placebo solutions to social ills. Prayer, and no action. shifting the blame to God. it isn't that I doubt His Power, but am i not his viceregent to do his work? It is unfortunate that we don't talk about it, so afraid are we to break stereotypical ideas, but the truth is that belief is not as strong in its pull as self interest. Just saying to somebody that do the right thing is'nt enough.We need to support and join hands with like minded persons and support them against the hegemony of the status quo, be it the establishment, the elite, the religious establishment. Those who support democracy and democratic mores need to stand by each other, and help each other sustain the scorn, the victimization, the defamation which is piled by the minions of status quo upon people who want to see change in this society. It is easy to steal a goose from the common like a common felon, but let not the pioneers of change be like felons. it takes a herculean effort to take back the common from the ones who took it away. we can, but together.

About Being Different

In the last week, some people were astonished at my views. Perhaps they do not conform to the stereotyped image of me. But then, I am no stranger to being different, the odd one out. I'm used to it. It all started with me being a leftie. Being southpaws attracted attention since school, and still does. One of my islamiyat teachers lectured me about it being sinful to use my left hand and I thought, then has God sinned by creating me this way? This was one of the things pointed out by my father in law when I got married. It was then I first realized I had married wrongly. But this state of being different went on. I was brought up at par with my brother, encouraged by my father to think for myself and question ideas that we take as givens in our society. I got married and then started studying again, became a civil servant after becoming the mother of a child, topped my batch and became ok with being the lone woman in the room in most work situations. Now i dont even notice gender. Slowly my feeling of being different changed into a lifestyle. My reasons for joining public serv ice were also sadly different. I wanted to do good, help people and devote my life to helping others by using my power and position. I have fallen over many times trying to do and say what I think and feel is right. But God has always given me my feet back. I chose to be out of a relationship which could only continue through hypocrisy, rather than hang on. That is also called different around here. So, I am used to being the different one. But that has made me bolder, stronger and more certain of my ideas and ideals. Opposition has made me aware of how one becomes a threat by being different and believing in new ideas and having the courage to act on them . I am the outsider looking into the system. Social change is imminent. We cannot blame the rot on any one segment, each reflects the tendencies of our social mores. Lots of people among us say that we need a different way of thinking and acting as a society. But we are reluctant to apply these ideas to our own lives. Our lives are mired in hypocrisy where paying lip service is not only enough, it's the done thing. The first step to a new life pattern is to stop lying to oneself. For me this is always a good start, and plus it is different, and takes you down new vistas forever.Helps to stop lying to others too ! Where is the harm in that...

Can we have a little life please?

I have often wondered, why people around me, normal people, are so listless, so without initiative,drive,verve, spark, whatever you may call it.And this is true of all, those who lead a privileged life, and those who do not.Listlessness is a cross cutting feature of Pakistani people.Most are unenthusiastic about their work, about their personal life, even their engagement with life. True, money is an enabling factor in many cases but I have mostly seen money as a corruptor of values. It is so easy to fall into the trap of conspicuous consumption where the more u spend, the emptier u feel inside. Or to get into the rut of living to earn money and more money. But it is life without meaning that kills one's drive to get up in the morning and do something.How many of us ask themselves what do we live for? If i were cynical i would say we try not to think because it would make us more depressed to enumerate our reasons for living. But then, how can a society, where the decisions of a person's life is taken through family panchayats, have verve? where an individuals life is the business of the whole family, friends, neighbourhood and even foes? we have been conditioned to believe that we must please others at any cost. One is considered good when one gives up his or her right to live life as he/she believes, and lives the way others want. It is called living for others. Apne aap ko mitana..especially true for women. In a society without personal freedom , people feel that each day of their life will dawn exactly like the last; like how others want it to dawn. Then why make any effort to change things at work either? we are so used to compromise that we forget to have opinions, much less to air them. A person who speaks his/her mind is an anomaly,not a team player, ill mannered and so on.This is true even in the professional sphere. It all stems from our families where discussion and difference of opinion is discouraged. Respect is good but surely not at the cost of stifling one's own individuality? it makes an individual lose confidence in his ability to change anything within or without. I say, dare to dissent. It is healthier and natural. and the more you do so, the more confidence you will gain.One must have opinions and the confidence to live ones beliefs, not only mouth them. for Pakistanis, Changing our own self is the road to changing our life and soci ety.It is not guns and doles that we need, we need social change to get ahead. All of us must recognize this fact.

Was gone for a long while. reason: took the plunge of going into the fray, the sea of people, the common man. the place where i am the happiest and which i was away from for the last five years. The children are old enough, and i have emerged finally from my personal grief, if not unscathed, atleast intact. i am proud to be a public servant, and have gone to what bureaucrats fondly call the field. I joined civil service with a lot of idealism, because i wanted to make a difference for my people, and believed that those of us, who are born to a privileged life as i was, should not live selfishly but try to give of themselves to those common people who have nobody to rely on but themselves. that in my opinion is what public servants are there for. People have asked me many times who i have loved most. i have loved, and once perhaps a bit too much,with fleeting joy and lasting pain, but there is nobody i have loved more than my work, because it gives me the chance to be with other human beings and to help them. Perhaps it sounds cliched, n so many talk about helping the poor, the commoner,that perhaps it is a bit, but i would never leave my work . For anybody. it makes me happy because i can do good through my work, and i would never want to let go of the personal freedom it gives me: the freedom to choose who i am, the freedom to be what i am, rather than what others would have me be. Work keeps me occupied but happy, but i return again to writing, because it reminds me that i have a voice which can be and is heard. My beloved mentor, the one i learnt most of my own self from,who is so much like me, gave me this gift of voice, made me believe in myself. so what if my idealism is smashed each day by the machinations of my peers and the realities of public life in Pakistan, it shines at me again and again when i am able to help somebody , when i see the difference i make each day. There is lasting joy here.

I am a single mother. My three children are the most valuable part of my life. My daughters say that my son is my favorite, I don't know, maybe. I tried so hard that they should not go through the pain of their parented divorce. For that I went along an unhappy marriage for twelve years. Finding no happiness, I immersed myself in my work, my work became my hopes, my dreams, my expectations. But the gulf became so wide that something had to give, and the marriage gave. But when divorce finally came, people could not accept it. They would stay away from me, as if I was unacceptable this way. But I decided through experience that a relationship only gives happiness when two people love each other, understand and respect each other, and are like each other. These are the right reasons for a marriage. Marriage for the wrong reasons only brings grief. My friend once said that ninety nine percent live with people they don't like. Is that right? Well I have decided to belong to the minority. The ten percent who does not want their lives to be a compromise at least in their personal life. We make so many compromises in our professional lives everyday, at least our personal lives should be a source of joy. It is a tough decision, but one I took the chance. Of taking. Because I'm an optimist and believer in faith and God. And that God has destined happiness for me too, even if I'm alone .

Another new day

9th November,2013

Today the sun rose brightly after the season's first winter rainfall in Lahore. I open my eyes lazily, and roll over again to sleep some more on this Saturday morning. It is a brand new day again. I feel grateful.

Some say that life does not give you second chances, but  others say that allowing you to live another day is God's way of giving you another chance. In my life, the latter is true. We humans are weak things. We make mistakes and falter, get scared, lose confidence and lose hope, but life gives us chance after chance after chance. And each day is a new day, a clean slate, a new beginning. If only we recognize it for what it is.

I think we are lucky to be alive. God has forgiven our mistakes and blessed us in many ways, and the best blessing is that He has given us the ability to adapt and start over. Some of us do make changes and some keep waiting for the chance that we want in life. And that day, when it arrives, if we are ready, it is a hit. And it does come. Believe me.
It makes me think always, that when life is so generous, why are we so stingy in helping others find their way out of the woods? why do we make it so difficult for others to start over? Why we do not accept people as they are and want to change them, reform them, pigeonhole them and see them behave as we want them to behave? Why do we lose the chance that God gives us with each new day? Many of us are so good at talking about what is wrong. But why not talk about what is right? what is there, alive, around us and in us. We can do this everyday.
This is what my blog is about. Another New Day.