Was gone for a long while. reason: took the plunge of going into the fray, the sea of people, the common man. the place where i am the happiest and which i was away from for the last five years. The children are old enough, and i have emerged finally from my personal grief, if not unscathed, atleast intact. i am proud to be a public servant, and have gone to what bureaucrats fondly call the field. I joined civil service with a lot of idealism, because i wanted to make a difference for my people, and believed that those of us, who are born to a privileged life as i was, should not live selfishly but try to give of themselves to those common people who have nobody to rely on but themselves. that in my opinion is what public servants are there for. People have asked me many times who i have loved most. i have loved, and once perhaps a bit too much,with fleeting joy and lasting pain, but there is nobody i have loved more than my work, because it gives me the chance to be with other human beings and to help them. Perhaps it sounds cliched, n so many talk about helping the poor, the commoner,that perhaps it is a bit, but i would never leave my work . For anybody. it makes me happy because i can do good through my work, and i would never want to let go of the personal freedom it gives me: the freedom to choose who i am, the freedom to be what i am, rather than what others would have me be. Work keeps me occupied but happy, but i return again to writing, because it reminds me that i have a voice which can be and is heard. My beloved mentor, the one i learnt most of my own self from,who is so much like me, gave me this gift of voice, made me believe in myself. so what if my idealism is smashed each day by the machinations of my peers and the realities of public life in Pakistan, it shines at me again and again when i am able to help somebody , when i see the difference i make each day. There is lasting joy here.

I am a single mother. My three children are the most valuable part of my life. My daughters say that my son is my favorite, I don't know, maybe. I tried so hard that they should not go through the pain of their parented divorce. For that I went along an unhappy marriage for twelve years. Finding no happiness, I immersed myself in my work, my work became my hopes, my dreams, my expectations. But the gulf became so wide that something had to give, and the marriage gave. But when divorce finally came, people could not accept it. They would stay away from me, as if I was unacceptable this way. But I decided through experience that a relationship only gives happiness when two people love each other, understand and respect each other, and are like each other. These are the right reasons for a marriage. Marriage for the wrong reasons only brings grief. My friend once said that ninety nine percent live with people they don't like. Is that right? Well I have decided to belong to the minority. The ten percent who does not want their lives to be a compromise at least in their personal life. We make so many compromises in our professional lives everyday, at least our personal lives should be a source of joy. It is a tough decision, but one I took the chance. Of taking. Because I'm an optimist and believer in faith and God. And that God has destined happiness for me too, even if I'm alone .

Another new day

9th November,2013

Today the sun rose brightly after the season's first winter rainfall in Lahore. I open my eyes lazily, and roll over again to sleep some more on this Saturday morning. It is a brand new day again. I feel grateful.

Some say that life does not give you second chances, but  others say that allowing you to live another day is God's way of giving you another chance. In my life, the latter is true. We humans are weak things. We make mistakes and falter, get scared, lose confidence and lose hope, but life gives us chance after chance after chance. And each day is a new day, a clean slate, a new beginning. If only we recognize it for what it is.

I think we are lucky to be alive. God has forgiven our mistakes and blessed us in many ways, and the best blessing is that He has given us the ability to adapt and start over. Some of us do make changes and some keep waiting for the chance that we want in life. And that day, when it arrives, if we are ready, it is a hit. And it does come. Believe me.
It makes me think always, that when life is so generous, why are we so stingy in helping others find their way out of the woods? why do we make it so difficult for others to start over? Why we do not accept people as they are and want to change them, reform them, pigeonhole them and see them behave as we want them to behave? Why do we lose the chance that God gives us with each new day? Many of us are so good at talking about what is wrong. But why not talk about what is right? what is there, alive, around us and in us. We can do this everyday.
This is what my blog is about. Another New Day.