I still remember my father trying to instill in me the idea that I am equal to men, and that I can even surpass them. On the eve of my marriage, I remember my elder sister telling me that i should not only try to make my spouse happy, but also remember that he should make me happy too, that i should not forego my own happiness for the sake of somebody else. I have been reminded many times by my liberal and forward looking family that i was more than a girl, or a woman, i was a person. Of course, i grew up to be that, a person. With an identity of my own. Choices that were independent, and not dictated by anybody. But the more independence i sought, the more away I seemed to be from my life partner, who found it threatening, difficult to take in his stride, and he, like any other man, sought solace in people who were, and could be dependent on him. The more of a person i became, the more threatened my near ones became. More alienated, less sympathetic, less willing to help. Human nature is that one doesn't want to help somebody who seems ok, but thats how it is.
Being more than a woman, I feel, takes away the womanness in a woman. So I thought, rather than being weak and dependent on everybody, and being too compromised on independence, I could decide to be dependent on my children and one man . Meaning for love, affection, attention, advice, support and collaboration, and help. That did not seem such a bad start, then my siblings came in also. But being in love and living for the one that she loves, comes naturally to a woman. There is no greater happiness than seeing your loved ones happy. Being a person takes away your selflessness, and takes away from your womanhood.
I have had the fortune to be with somebody who matters. Men seem to think that power and money matters. It does, a little, but it is not everything. It cannot make anybody fall in love with you. Atleast not me. I fall in love with a person, his qualities, abilities and attributes. Yes it is true that it takes a lot for me to be impressed. But I only appreciate personal attributes, never outer trappings. If a persons exceptional personality makes him or her stand out in life and achieve something, so be it. And it is true that ones exceptional character does help one achieve in life. So it just happens that the one I love can be exceptional in other things too. If a person has trappings but no personal attributes , I would not be interested even if it was , name any handsome actor or rich man. I could never love somebody I could not respect, admire and adore, and who does not love me back.
I wish I did not face this dilemma , of holding a balance between being a woman and an independent person. Yet i face it everyday.But I cannot stop being a woman, and i cannot stop being independent. I love both. The scales balance someday, some days they don't. But I like this.
