Expectations

I read somewhere that don't be surprised if somebody expects a lot from you. Perhaps they would do that much for you themselves, so they expect the same from you too. All of us have expectations from each other. Our expectations of others depend not only on our feelings for them , but also on the opinion we have about them. If we think that somebody is good or has good qualities we expect them to act accordingly. And if we do not have a good opinion of them we expect them to act in a certain way also , usually expecting them to act worse than they actually would perhaps. This is the basic gap between reality and expectations. It reflects the gap between our perception and reality.sometimes we perceive somebody to be better than who they are and sometimes worse than they are. Our perceptions also depend on our own personality and upbringing, and the biases and opinions we have accumulated. Our perception is always coloured by our values and biases , making us see things that sometimes exist or not. This gap leads us to have expectations which are not met and to make errors of judgement. The above is a nice scientific explanation of why there is a difference between our expectations and reality. But the pain and hurt that accompany the realization that a person was not what we thought he was can be devastating. It takes a long time to accept that what you saw and heard upon which you based your perception and expectations was wrong. You doubt your judgment and sometimes yourself for being so utterly mistaken. Now the flip side. Sometimes we think that we are giving concessions to people for their shortcomings but we forget to remember that they are also forgiving and accepting our shortcomings. We might be surprised that somebody did not treat us according to our expectations but maybe we disappointed them at some level too, which we don't think about as most of us perceive ourselves to be perfect. Which is never the case . It is not possible to have no expectations of anybody. That is the attitude of the pessimist. But it I always feel that it's better to give people the benefit of doubt and trust them to be good, rather than trust them to be bad. If you suspect or judge in relationships, you are reducing each other to enemies. Not friends. A positive outlook always brings out the best in people. Including yourself. And forgiveness helps us accept the infirmities of other. They might not come up to expectations sometimes, they are human and have other compulsions also. But many times they will and do surpass our expectations. It is good to remember that.

Here and there

I came to attend a conference in Rome this week. Ever the shopaholic, when I got free early one day i decided to explore the beautiful city on foot as I rarely get to do that when i am with family. When you walk the streets and roads of a city, you get to know its true complexion and its people. The romans are very civilized but not chummy. This is true of all europeans. But I want to write about an encounter i had with an Indian. Near Palazzo Montecitorio, I stopped by a cafe to have lunch. I saw an Indian waiter bring my order. When one is abroad, Indians and Pakistanis tend to be especially friendly with each other and we started chatting . I asked him where he was from and he replied east Punjab, Ambala to be precise, and was living here with his brother for the last 12 years. He asked me how long i was staying and i told him that i would return in two days, the same old issues waiting for me at home and work. He smiled and said this is the same for us. When we go home, family politics and demands meet us, and I have spent so much money on my family and still they are never happy. I spent so much money on building a house in my village and my parents live in it, it is of no use to me. If i had saved it I would have been able to set up my own business by now, instead of still working as a waiter even after twelve years. At this we both smiled, and I think we identified with each other. Across all divides, the family system in the subcontinent is more or less the same. There are many good things to be said about it, but it naturally creates a larger number of dependents in our families and discourages independence. Our society teaches us not to be selfish and take care of others, but it discourages us to carry our own weight and try to be independent and take care of oneself. We often see men or women taking turns to take care of the family. The father and then the son or a daughter, the ones who are able to do something in life. But there is no pressure on each of us to become independent and be on our own. Intact, the ones who are too lazy or unable to do anything are even more pampered by the families and there is additional pressure on the ones who make it in life to take care of those who do not. The reasons are that one is fortunate and the other is not. But nobody sees whether the allegedly unfortunate one made enough effort or not. The ones who are working hard are made to pay for the failures of their near and dear ones. I am not saying we should not help out, but this atmosphere of dependence makes many in our society feel they don't need an effort, their families are there to take care of them, find them a job, help them ahead. The worst thing is that if one refuses to help relatives beyond one's ability, all one gets are accusations and recriminations. There is so much social pressure on all of us that a lot that we do is according to what others want, without any desire to do so. And it never ends. It is good to be kind and generous to others, but it is also good to know when to stop and release oneself from unnecessary social pressures. We need to encourage our family members to be more independent and do things on their own.Independence teaches you self worth and self respect. Instead of mollycoddling the children the mothers should teach them to be on their own, take initiative and make decisions. And let them go at an early stage without agonizing about everything they say or do. Otherwise there will always be people from the subcontinent telling each other when they meet abroad, that they feel free and happier, not feeling like going home. Who wants to live in shackles?